Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I am not the least bit sad to see you go. You were a lot like a fly-over state. You offered some cool views, but really it was mostly boring while waiting for you to pass by. Perhaps it's because I was too busy adult-ing.  The highlights you left me are as follows:

1. I mustered up the guts to quit working for my dad to sell cars. When I look back at selling cars, I think that it's proof that I really can do anything I set my mind to. It was a great experience. I just disliked the hours and the way they worked me to the bone. All the while I was still going to school.
2.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude from UCF with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration as a finance major!!! It's still hard for me to believe that I did it! This accomplishment is HUGE in my book of life. It may sound dumb, but there are days when I miss going to school.
3. I had the courage to quit selling cars without any job prospects. Thankfully, my dad's company was busy enough to hire me until I found my current job as Payroll Assistant. I consider this job my first "real" job out of college. I'm learning so much. I'm blessed to work for such an amazing company with a super awesome workforce.
4. I took myself off of my parents' health insurance plan and got my own insurance through work. This was and still is a big deal to me because health insurance is my lifeline.
5. I started a 401K through work. I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say this excites me because I think it really is a step in the right direction to prepare for my future. 
6. I had my first MRI and it sucked, but it didn't suck as bad as a colonoscopy would have. I heard those words I hate hearing from my doctor: Crohn's is active. In response, I started doing Cimzia injections every three weeks instead of every four weeks to help determine if it's still working. I know what I think.
7. I started going to counseling for the first time in my life. I didn't realize the layers of mental complexity Crohn's is affecting/creating. My feelings are valid. Even though I could be saving the money I'm spending on counseling, I think investing in my mental state is a wise decision.
8. [Edit: I added this one because it somehow slipped my mind yesterday. I financed my dream car and I'm still in love. The Mustang totally exceeded my expectations!]

I spent most of 2015 working and reaching goals I set for myself many years ago. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It feels like I'm sleep walking though life at the moment though.

IBD Stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease

IBD Awareness week ends tonight and here's my lousy attempt at telling you a few things that I wish more folks understood about me and Crohn's disease.

Tasks that seem easy to you may take all my energy to complete and/or leave me sore for days. I try hard to maintain normalcy, but sometimes I can't keep up. Examples: Showering, doing my hair, doing my makeup, looking alive/normal, doing laundry, cooking, washing dishes, and walking up stairs.

It's more than a physical disease. It fucks me up mentally, too. Don't be mad when I don't remember things, when I have a poor/dark/negative outlook, or when I have low self esteem.  If I could flip a switch to change it, I would. I wouldn't choose to be this way. 

Unless if I ask for it, I do not want your advice. If you give me unsolicited advice, please don't keep drowning me with your opinions. You're not helping. Say your peace and move on. I heard you the first time.


Breaking news: I have been considering finding a counselor. I promise, I'm not just doing this to find another couch to nap on. I've just been getting other people's opinions at this point before I start looking for one and figuring out if this is something I want to do. I don't think I'm coping as well as I used to with Crohn's. I've become too emotional and I feel weighted down by the burden of this disease. I have lost my ambition.  I would love to learn to better cope with it. I feel no shame in considering seeking professional help.  I have some supporters. I also have some that feel that me seeing a counselor indicates that our relationship is failing and I could use relationships in place of therapy by talking more openly about what's on my mind. That whole opening up thing...yeah, I'm not very good at that because of the fear of judgment and more opinions that I probably don't want to hear. So, what are your thoughts on this topic? Yay or nay? Positives and negatives? Should I keep considering it?

Busy Week Ahead

After I stopped taking my iron supplements last week, I started taking multiple double doses of Senokot laxative tablets. It seemed like it took forever for it to work... it took at least 5 days. I finally had a bowel movement on Friday. I've had a few more since then, but I want more! I was constipated for almost a week and half, but because my belly was so empty prior to becoming constipated it didn't get too sore, thankfully. Once I feel like my bowels have become regular I'll start taking the iron again. Whatever regular means these days...

This week is going to be a super busy week. I'll likely be working overtime on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because its accounting's close week for the month of November and because we have two payroll runs this week. My supervisor and I will be busting our butts in payroll during normal hours and staying late to help accounting for close. On Friday, I'm scheduled for a vacation day. On my day off, I'm going to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. I'm just hoping that I feel well enough when the time comes and that I'll have the energy to last all day. I know I can push through a half marathon, but my will power is not the same when it comes to theme parks.

La De Da

Please, excuse my arrogance.  I often wonder how awesome I would be if I didn't have a chronic disease. Positive self thoughts have not been coming easily to me lately, but yesterday I feel like I had a break though. I crossed the finish line of the Space Coast Half Marathon yesterday! It was also my third year in row of crossing the Space Coast finish line, so I qualified as a Milky Way Challenge finisher and received another super cool medal. If you've ran any kind of distance, you know it takes as much mental strength as it does physical strength.  It took me 3 hours and 42 minutes, which was exactly a 17 minute per mile pace. I can't even be upset that it was my worst half marathon I've ever completed time wise.

Kim and I did 10 and 30 intervals with the 3 hour and 30 minute pacer, where we ran for 10 seconds and walked for 30 seconds at a time, until mile 9. I know the intervals seem ridiculously easy, but after 9 miles I couldn't keep up. My legs were on fire, my back hurt, my feet were screaming at me, and my arms were in discomfort, too. Yes, it took me 9 miles to hit "the wall."  I was expecting to hit the wall much sooner, but I think keeping a slow and steady pace from the start helped to lengthen the distance to the wall. Kim told me, "You can do it. You're doing great." My reply was, "I know." The truth is walking those last four miles seemed killer, but I didn't once think about quitting. After all I know pain and the pain I experienced on the course was minor compared to the pain I had after the MRI.  I knew I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Once we passed mile 12 I asked Kim if we could run a little to make it to the finish line under 3 hours and 45 minutes. She said, "What's the point? We're already sucking." I know my race wasn't pretty, but ouch. We didn't run until we saw the finish line in sight, but we did pick up our walking pace for the last mile. I'm thankful Kim sacrificed her race to stay with me because I don't think I would have done as well without her.  After the race, I apologized for sucking. Even though I was elated that I finished and somehow in my twisted head I felt like a badass for crossing that finish line!

Kim was my support while others told me, "You have no business doing that race."  La de da, whatever... I needed to cross that finish line! Strangely, I feel like it gave me a positive boost to my mentality. Although I'm still doing the post half marathon shuffle, once the soreness has gone away I think I may try to start running again. After all, running is a great anti-depressant.

Side note: I'm still constipated, but my belly hasn't started hurting yet.

Falling Baby Dolls

I walked 2.5 miles with my Team Challenge peeps this morning for the Turkey Trot. We kept a 17 minute pace, which felt like a super fast walk to me. Kim even went with me to "evaluate" if I should be doing the half marathon tomorrow.  I was surprised how well I felt. I didn't struggle to breathe and my legs felt stronger than I expected. Kim and my Team Challenge peeps agree that I should at least walk the half marathon tomorrow since there is a 7 hour time limit for the course. This makes me happy because after picking up my race packet yesterday, the pre-race excitement is running through my veins.

Of course, there's a catch. I'm constipated. I haven't pooped since Wednesday. I took laxatives on Thursday and Friday, but I still haven't pooped. I won't be taking any laxatives today because I don't want them to start working during the race. I just hope my stomach feels okay tomorrow. Two weeks ago I was pooping about every hour and now I can't even poop. This disease makes no sense. My bowel habits are almost always on my mind.

In other news, I remembered the dream I had last night. As much as I sleep I rarely remember my dreams, so this is exciting for me. Tons of naked baby dolls were falling from the ceiling and whoever collected the most in a minute won. I never saw anyone else trying to collect the baby dolls in my dream though. It was just me running around picking up as many naked dolls as I could. It hurt when the falling dolls fell on my head, so I was trying to avoid the falling dolls in the process. It was the longest minute ever... Super strange.

I'm a Prisoner

I like to write and I like to rhyme. Especially, when I'm going through hard times. It helps me cope. Normally, I wouldn't post something like this, but I think this can help others understand what I've been through in the past week.  I titled it: I'm a Prisoner.

My body is my antagonist. It attacks, it fights, and it causes pain. My body is always full of shit. It’s an ass, it lies; it’s a ball and chain. I’m a prisoner; stay over there and love me. I’m a patient; come over here and hug me. I’m not myself; don’t hate me. I am myself; please love me. I’m lying here crying on the bathroom floor with lots of pain I’m trying to ignore. I’m fed up with being fucked up. When it comes to health, I don’t have much luck.

Energy

My energy is still lacking, but I think it is slowly improving. I have signed up for the Team Challenge virtual Turkey Trot to benefit the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America. I'll be meeting up with Team Challenge peeps Saturday morning after Thanksgiving to get our trot on. I know I'm in no shape to run, so I plan to mostly walk.  I haven't exercised in months and my low iron and hemoglobin levels make exercising seem harder than it should be. I'm signed up for the Space Coast Half Marathon on Sunday after Thanksgiving. I told everyone I'm not doing the race. When I told them, it was what they wanted to hear and I also had no intention, at the time, to do the race.

Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better and I've started to consider doing the race. In fact, I'm doing the Turkey Trot with Team Challenge to test the waters to see if I think I could do Space Coast. I really want to do the race, but I don't know if my body is in agreement.  My body tends to be my biggest antagonist. I've done half marathons before without training. This is a little different because I'm not quite as healthy as I usually am. I don't know if I should start the race without knowing I'll definitely finish, or if I should only start the race if I know for sure I'll finish. Shouldn't I try? Isn't it better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all?  If I decide to do the race, I know it won't be easy. I can't say for certain that I'm mentally strong enough to fight through the inevitable walls that I would hit.  I feel like I need to taste the victory of the finish line even if it will likely be my worst half marathon to date.  That sweet taste of victory might be enough to motivate me to make it across the finish line.

After the MRI...

After the MRI on Friday, November 13th, it didn't take long for me to start feeling negative side effects from the three bottles of barium I drank as prep. My stomach turned to knots of pain and I found myself rushing to the bathroom every hour or two. I desperately wanted to sleep, but it seemed just as I cried myself to sleep I would get another urgent urge to go to the bathroom again. The urges felt like I had to pee, and even though I peed every time I went I also pooped black diarrhea every time, too. This went on Friday, Saturday, and even Sunday. I did not rest well. I lost eight pounds. I'm sure I was dehydrated. In the middle of the night, when everyone was in bed, I found myself sleeping on the bathroom floor to make for a shorter trip the next time the urge struck. One night, my dad slept in my bed so that I could sleep in my parents' bed with my mom close to their bathroom. My groans from being in pain woke my mom up a few times in the middle of the night, but she was a trooper. I felt physically and mentally fucked up, yet I'm still convinced the MRI was better than a colonoscopy.

I messaged my doctor to let him know how horribly I had been doing since the MRI and he let me know that it was typical for the barium to worsen symptoms, but that it should only last for a few days. Well, that would have been nice to know before I went into the MRI. It also makes me question the results of the MRI. Did the barium cause for bad or worse results?

I almost called in sick to work, but I hated to waste a sick day. I want to save my sick days for hospital visits if it has to come to that. Thankfully, I started feeling better on Monday. Yes, I was still experiencing pain, but I was experiencing less trips to the bathroom. My doctor called right at 5pm as I was signing off my computer at work, so I answered it even though my supervisor Kim was right in the office next to me. I would have walked into the stair well for privacy, but I didn't want my phone to drop the call. My doc asked about how my visit with my colorectal went, so I told him, "It was too tight to do the sigmoidoscopy, so she just flexed it with her finger and I go back in three months." Geez, I can't imagine what my supervisor is thinking of this conversation. My doc then went on to give me my MRI results: There is swelling in my small bowel, a possible fistula, and I was constipated during the MRI. Obviously, this means there is active disease, which makes us question if the medication, Cimzia, is working. My doc gave me two options: bump the dose of Cimzia to every three weeks instead of every four or switch to Humira or Remicade. I decided that I want to be sure Cimzia is not working before I switch to a different biologic, so I chose to bump the dose. I'll get lab work done in a few months to see if my inflammation levels have gone down and that's how we are going to tell if Cimzia is still working or not.

I was crying during my drive home from work, which has been happening more often than I care to admit lately. I had my car read me my messages for the day and Brittany came to my rescue again to turn my day around. Her and her family got me a get well gift, so I called her to thank her and filled her in about the results.  I don't know how she does it, but she should write a book on how to be a friend to someone with a chronic illness because she is an absolute beast at it. She rocks my world when it needs rocking. Thank you, Brittany, for being an angel disguised as my friend. I know we don't talk that much, but I hope you know your heart is amazing and I love you!

I made it to work for the rest of the week, but I have been unfathomably exhausted. I did my Cimzia injections on Thursday, November 19th.  Throughout the week I experienced occasional stomach pain. Mainly after a BM, but sometimes the pain just hit like a Mack Truck. I've been going to the bathroom more often than I'd like, but I've had worse so I'm happy it's not worse. Sleep has been difficult because I'm either waking up to go to the bathroom every few hours or I'm awake because I can't sleep through the pain.

I was supposed to visit Taylor this weekend, but I cancelled on her to stay home and recover from the week I've had. I promise it wasn't to stay home to binge watch House of Cards on Netflix. Thankfully, she understands I'm not always a flake. She's been a great ear for me to vent to. I don't complain verbally, out loud, but she is one person that will listen and I won't feel guilty when I need to get it off my chest. I know I complain on this blog (even though I think I'm just explaining the facts of what I'm going through mostly), but I think that's different. The minute you don't want to read it you can close my page, but mentally it helps me to let it out sometimes.  She encourages me to call her at 3am when I'm in pain and can't sleep. Thank you, Taylor, for always being there to listen about my crazy shit. Thanks for always checking in and sending me funny memes. My love for you runs deeper than the sewers. I love you, Stinkbrain!

I even had to turn down an offer to go to the Gator game. It was the right decision because I feel like the rest I got today did me well. I've only had pain once today and I've only been going to the bathroom about every three to four hours, so I'm super happy I seem to be on the right track.  I have more to say, but I'll blog again tomorrow since this post is already long

The MRI

I know this post is super delayed, but I have been busy surviving.

Once I checked in at the imaging place on Friday morning, I had to drink three bottles of barium. It tasted like cold, chalky fake-grape liquid. Thankfully, it didn't make me gag and I was able to finish each bottle in the time limit I was given, 15 minutes for each bottle. By the time I was on my third bottle there were about 15 other people in the waiting room and I was the only one that had to drink the barium.

The nice MRI Tech, Lisa, called me back. On our walk to the room she said this is the most complicated MRI. She asked if I had anything metal on and I didn't, so I was able to wear my clothes. When we got to the room, she asked me to climb onto the table. She then had me lay down and slide to a certain point on the table. Lisa strapped some kind of foam thing with holes in it that was attached to the table over my abdomen. She tried for an IV in my right arm, but my vein collapsed. Thankfully, it didn't hurt or bruise. She was able to get the IV going in my left arm. Finally, she injected something that slowed my bowels down for 30 minutes. She let me know this injection is the reason we have to work fast through the breath holds and get started quickly. She gave me a "help-ball" to hold onto to squeeze if I needed anything. She left the room and my table began to slide into the MRI tube. Once in the tube I got a sudden urge to pee, so I squeezed the help-ball to tell Lisa. She was nice and came rushing in to unstrap me from the table, but told me to run and hurry because we are on a time crunch.  I peed so much! Oh all the while I'm holding my IV up with one arm. How did all that liquid get inside me? I awkwardly washed my one hand and I went running back to the MRI room where Lisa quickly strapped me back in. Although I did peek a few times I was more comfortable keeping my eyes closed. The whole MRI was a series of breath holds. I would hear Lisa in my head phones, "Take a deep breath and hold your breath." Then a bunch of racket would go on for 30 seconds and I would hear Lisa say, "Breathe."

Toward the end with only three breath holds left I squeezed the help ball again because I really, really had to pee... again. Lisa told me through the head phones that we were almost done and there wasn't any time to let me out to pee. I wasn't even embarrassed when I peed myself a little during the next breath hold. I squeezed the help ball to tell Lisa and she told me it was okay. I mean it was kind of her fault because she didn't let me out after I warned her. After the MRI was over, she quickly came in the room to unstrap me from the table and to take out my IV. Lisa hinted that I might have some bladder issues going on. As soon as she said I was free to go I rushed to the bathroom. I peed and peed and just when I thought I was still peeing I realized I was also shitting very liquid diarrhea that sounded like peeing.

It's been a week since the MRI and I feel like I am still recovering from the MRI. This weekend, I'll blog about the after effects of that damn barium that I had to drink and the MRI results. You know the results aren't good when the doctor personally calls you to discuss them.

Yay for Today

I woke up around 11pm with a killer cramp in foot/toe. The pain was unreal. Tears were streaming down my face as I hopped out of bed to see if anyone was still awake. I saw the light on and I called for my mom. She must have heard it in my voice because she came running and helped me to the couch to prop my foot up. She gave me a yoga band to try to stretch out the cramp. The pain went away and then the pain came back several times. My mom woke my dad to come give his advice because he sometimes gets leg cramps. When the pain went away one time, my dad started to massage my foot and the pain never came back at that moment. He also gave me a potassium supplement that he takes. Yay for parents!

The killer foot/toe pain woke me up again around 3am. I knew no one else would be awake, so I just stayed in bed, cried, cringed, and moaned with the on and off pain. I tried massaging my own foot when the pain went away and it didn't work. The pain came back. I finally decided to stand up on my cramping foot when the pain went away and somehow that did the trick. I then walked to the kitchen and ate a banana. I haven't had a foot/toe cramp since. Yay me! 

I've only been to the bathroom 4 times today and my BMs were kind of formed. I skipped lunch today and I had more energy after work than I have had in a while. Ya'll, not only did I take a shower, but I also shaved my legs and I'm still awake. Side note: I did eat dinner. Yay for energy!

The biggest and best surprise of the day came when my long time friend, Brittany, sent me a message. It said, "We care about you." Attached were two photos letting me know that she and her family donated to the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America. This made me cry the happiest of tears and it even made me smile. It made me feel so loved and cared about, which is exactly what I needed today. Shout out, Britt! Thank you!!!! She even calmed my nerves and gave me good advice for the MRI. I'm just going to try to relax and nap. We all know I'm good at that. I can sleep anywhere.  Yay for amazing friends!

MRI Is Scheduled

I don't know how I've almost made it through this work week. I've already pooped 10 times today and the day isn't even over yet. Where is all this crap coming from? How can all of that shit be inside me? It's been mostly explosive diarrhea. My stomach has been sore. I get shortness of breath by just walking up stairs. I was shushed by my sister Kim when I was trying to tell her how I've been feeling. I've been harassed behind my back about my bathroom habits by my sister Leigha. Oh, and the last time I tried to have a conversation with my mom about me she seemed too busy on her phone and laptop to really listen and then later claimed that I walked out in the middle of our conversation. Yes, I did.

Then I see a FB post from a friend that says, "I'm quickly becoming extremely frustrated by this whole being sick thing. Enough is enough." I can't comment: Imagine if you had a chronic disease. This post should be mine. What have you been sick for a week? Sounds like a dream. Hey, to each their own.

I had every intention of going to the MRI by myself.  I already had plans this Friday to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. Since I scheduled my MRI for Friday morning Kelly will be taking me to the MRI. If I feel okay afterwards, we'll go and drink butter beer at Hogwarts. I have to arrive an hour before my appointment to drink 3 bottles of something. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it, but it can't be worse than a colonoscopy prep, right? I told the scheduling lady that I'm not claustrophobic...we'll see if that's true.  While I'm in the machine I'm sure it'll be like an out of body experience because there's no way I'd be brave enough to go in there. I'm trying not to be nervous about it because I think it's going to be a way better experience than a colonoscopy.

My Stomach is on the Fritz

Since Friday evening I've slept for just about 24 hours. I was only up for a few hours yesterday. My first nap I took with three blankets on top of me and I didn't even break a sweat. At first I was freezing and then I was comfortable. My second nap wasn't planned. I started watching an episode of the Walking Dead and the next thing I know I was waking up three hours later.

I don't feel well. I could blame eating healthy. I could blame my period. I could blame the liquid multivitamin. I could blame the vitamin D. I could blame the vitamin C.  I'm not blaming those things though. I am blaming the iron pills. I am taking iron for myself because I believe, in time, they will help me feel better. They better make me feel better because right now I feel like shit.  My stomach has been on the fritz. It's been hurting. I can't trust farts. I've been having very explosive bowel movements. I've barely been able to get the bathroom fast enough. I'm experiencing down right nasty diarrhea. Some of my stool is black and some of it appears green... it's a side effect of the iron.

Can I just take one long nap and wake up feeling well?

I'm the One That Doesn't Care

After reviewing my labs, my doctor thinks Crohn's may be active. He wants me to get an MRI or colonoscopy. The goal is to stop active inflammation before it leads to complications - strictures, abscess, fistulas. (Hey, I've had all of those before) I have opted for the MRI. Now, I just have to schedule it. Technically, I'm an adult; however, I had a tantrum in my room about my current health situation. I bawled my eyes out and pissed off some people. I don't mean to upset people. I felt so isolated and alone yesterday. Does anyone really get it?

It seems as though every damn time I have issues related to Crohn's that my mom blames me. Whether that blame is direct or indirect is beside the point. It's my fault because I don't do anything she says to "help" prevent things like this from happening. In my twisted head, when I hear her go off on tangents about what all I should be doing, all I think is that she doesn't get it. She doesn't care. It's not my fault. Chill out. It was brought to my attention that if she didn't care, she wouldn't be trying to "help". And I was told to never say mom doesn't care again. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I see that I was wrong. The truth is my mom cares... almost too much, but perhaps I need that. The truth is that I'm the one that doesn't care.

I'm skeptical eating better will help. I'm skeptical taking probiotics will help. I'm skeptical taking vitamin D will help. I am making changes anyway. I will start eating better. I will start taking probiotics. I will start taking vitamin D. I will do it for "them". I will do it to keep them quiet. If you have a cure, tell me and I'll add it to the list. I'll do it for you. Maybe one day I'll do it for me, but for now I think it's just going to be a waste of my time and money.

It's hard to take advice from someone who said, "inflammation is a sign of healing." I couldn't help, but laugh out loud when I heard that. Crohn's is the immune system attacking itself, which causes chronic inflammation in the GI tract. I don't believe the inflammation is a sign that I'm chronically "healing".  That makes no sense!

I am suffocated by those who care and yet I feel alone because I don't think they get it. Heck, maybe I'm the one that doesn't get it.

Lab Results 10.30.15

I got my lab results back. Now, I just have to wait to hear back from my doctor about how much iron I should be taking and whether I should be doing anything else.

Test Name                    Value                    Reference Range
Iron, Serum                     18                       35 - 155 ug/DL
Iron Saturation                 5                        15 - 55 %
Hemoglobin                    9.2                      11.1 - 15.9 g/DL
C - Reactive Protein       11.7                     0.0 - 4.9 mg/L

I highlighted what I think are the most important values that were out of range on my results. Yes, I read my own lab results. I needed some help from Kim and Google on some of them though.

As expected my iron and hemoglobin levels are nowhere near where they should be. I'm not sure how worried I should be about this because I know my levels have been this low before.

The C-Reactive Protein test is interesting because it measures general levels of inflammation in my body. Crohn's must be hard at work inflaming everything. I'm surprised I'm not having more issues.

Visits with My Gastro and Colorectal Specialist

My gastroenterologist visit on Thursday went well. I weighed in at 148lbs, which made me super happy! I've come a long way since December/January. The doc quizzed me about my bowel movements, which I had no real complaints about. I'm been pooping without pain, I typically have been going about 4 times a day, and the stool has been formed. He then asked about my stricture. The thing about my stricture is that the only reasons I know I have it are because my stool is super thin and because they tell me it's something we need to keep an eye on. In my experience, I have learned that I cannot accurately tell you "how my stricture is doing" because I do not put my finger or anything else up my ass to see how tight the stricture is and I'm not good at observing my stool getting thinner over time. I only feel it when my colon and rectal specialist uses her finger to loosen the stricture. Anyways, I told my gastro that I didn't think the stricture had gotten any worse. He said I looked healthy, but went on to say, "Since you have a history of severe Crohn's disease we need to make sure you are seeing Dr. M. regularly." Dr. M. is my colon and rectal specialist. My gastro only looks at my ass if I have a colonoscopy, so he sends me to Dr. M. for regular ass observation. I really only use my gastro to get prescriptions even though Dr. M. has given me prescriptions in the past. I talked with my gastro about my lack of energy and possible depression and he ordered me to get some lab work done to see if I'm anemic.  He thinks that's most likely wants causing the lack of energy and even plays a role in leading to depression. I'll likely have to start taking iron pills or get an iron infusion to help with the anemia.

My colon and rectal specialist visit on Friday was pretty much a visit from Hell. Again, I weighed in at 148lbs. It had been a year since my last visit and I'm supposed to be going every 3 months. Every visit the doc loosens my stricture with her finger and sure it's uncomfortable, but I would never have described it as painful before. Well, this time I was in so much pain as she was loosening it that I had to have her stop. Then I had decide if she was going to try again or if I wanted anesthesia. Of course, I wanted anesthesia, but that's expensive so I held my breath and told her to try again. The pain I felt can't be put into words. My mom was in the room and it almost brought her to tears for her to see me in so much pain. My doc was able to loosen it, but she said that she wasn't going to use the scope because that would likely hurt and certainly make me sore the next day. She lectured me about seeing her every 3 months because my rectum is in "bad shape." That scares me. In the back of mind, I know I'll likely be pooping in a bag at some point in my life and as much as I joke about it I really don't want that to happen. Hopefully, when I go back in 3 months, my rectum will be big enough for the scope so we can see what the disease is doing.

If I was a good patient, I would research the heck out Crohn's and strictures, but I can't bring myself to do it. The few times I have tried to find information I soon stopped because I don't want those other patients' stories to be my future. My Crohn's isn't that bad, right? I'm sure that makes me an idiot because that also means that I'm solely in the hands of my doctors with no real opinion on what to do about my condition of my own. Perhaps I should care more, but I don't... I can't. That absolutely makes me a guinea pig because I just do whatever my doctors tell me to do most of the time. I had a friend ask me if "they are blowing [...the stricture] up with a balloon?" I might get around to looking up what that means one day, but at the moment I'm content not knowing. I'm in chronic denial.

I've Been Busy; That's a Lie

Hi! Long time, no blog. I could lie and say I've been busy. The truth is I've been sleeping my life away. How am I feeling? I hate that question!  Honestly, I usually say I'm doing good until one day I wake up and I realize that somewhere along the way my 'normal' has changed. Yet, I'll still tell you, "I'm good."

I see my gastro on Thursday and my colorectal specialist on Friday, so I'll be haunting my doctors with my ass for Halloween. Thankfully, I haven't been experiencing pain. Two weekends ago, I shit so much in the middle of the night that I woke up with abs the next morning... I haven't worked out in months. Sounds like a dream, right? Go to bed, wake up 14 times to shit in the middle of the night, and then wake up with abs. My bowels have gotten back to 'normal' since then. I have been super tired. I slept for 26 hours this past weekend. My doctors and I have some talking to do... even though they still don't know about the incident in Texas last December and I don't know if I'm going to tell them.

Enough about that... When I'm not working, sleeping, or shitting, I've been reading "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking". I'm about a third of the way through the book and all I can is wow! It has been eye opening to the way our brains process information consciously and subconsciously. This is a book about psychology and so far learning about priming and thin slicing is so interesting to me. I can't wait to see what else this book has in it!

I've also been finding new music on YouTube. My current obsessions are with Halestorm and Halsey. If you're only going to listen to one of each of their songs, listen to Hold Me Down by Halsey and Love Bites (So Do I) by Halestorm. If you're going for a second song, go for Gasoline by Halsey and Apocalyptic by Halestorm. I'm surprisingly leaning toward more rock selections. The screaming parts are just the therapy I need. 

Lastly, I've been binge watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. I just got to season 5! All I can say is that I would not survive a zombie apocalypse. I'd be one of the first to turn and then I'd be attacking all of you healthy people.

Hello, October

Good news: Cimzia was delivered, which means that it is covered under my new insurance plan! This makes me love my job even more. If you know me, you probably know I'm a nerd for numbers.

Before I only ever knew the estimated cost of Cimzia. Well, here are some numbers from my latest Cimzia order. The cost of Cimzia is $3,159.68 for each month's supply. I'm responsible for 10% of that: $315.97, my co-pay. After subtracting my co-pay, the insurance company has to cover $2,843.71 of the medication. Thankfully, I have a Cimzia co-pay assistance card that covers my co-pay, $315.97, for me so that I get Cimzia for free.

Once I do my October injections that will finish my third year of taking Cimzia. Over those 36 months, I'll have injected myself 72 times. Most of the time I find it easy, but sometimes my head over thinks it and the injections freak me out. Occasionally, they hurt, bleed, or bruise.  I have done all of the injections in my stomach. I could do them in my legs, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it in my legs. Plus, I figure since it's my belly giving me the trouble it can endure to be the pincushion. Anyways, over those 36 months, insurance has saved me $102,373.56 and the Cimzia co-pay card has saved me $11,374.92 for a total savings of $113,748.48!   If it wasn't for insurance or the co-pay card, I would either be really broke or really sick! Bring on year number 4!

If that's not great enough, get a load of this...

With my new insurance plan, the co-pay for Cimzia that the co-pay card covers actually counts toward my out of pocket maximum even though that money isn't coming out of my pocket. $315.97 * 12 months = $3,791.64 towards my out of pocket maximum.


I finally got my 'Stang back. I love the leather and the stitching! This car really feels too nice to belong to me.

Goodbye, September

I don't know what procrastination says about a person, but I do know I am an expert at procrastinating. If I had the energy, I would probably be stressed. I'm not stressed, just irriated that people can't do their jobs right. I have no trouble sleeping and I don't feel worried. Perhaps I'm depressed...

After leaving five messages with my nurse over a 9 day period to get a prior authorization for Cimzia, she still hadn't returned my calls or submitted the prior authorization like I requested. So, I sent my mom to the gastro office to get some answers. I sent my mom with a copy of my ID, new insurance card, and a patient disclosure form authorizing her to access my medical records. It turns out the nurse didn't call back because she didn't think the prior authorization was necessary since she gave a prior authorization for me last year. Can you believe that shit? My mom told her that she should have at least called me back to let me know she didn't feel like doing her job. Thankfully, my mom got the nurse to transfer the prior authorization from last year to my new insurance. I don't understand why the nurse couldn't just give a new prior authorization because that would last longer.

The pharmacy finally let me schedule delivery for my Cimzia, and said that insurance approved the prior authorization. Although during my first attempt today to schedule delivery, the pharmacy said that the prior authorization had been cancelled. Nobody seems to know what they're doing. I guess if Cimzia arrives when I scheduled the delivery, none of it matters.

In other news, while my car was getting leather installed they broke a bolt when they were putting the driver's seat back into the car. Now, they have to keep it in service to fix it. At least they gave me a free rental car. Plus, the leather looks and smells amazing, so it'll be worth it.

Technology Troubles are the Worst

I'm typing this on a kindle. It sucks!  My computer either won't turn on or will turn on for about 10 seconds before shutting down.  I'm going to be so pissed if I can't back up my files. I have lots of drafts and stories that I don't want to lose. Imagine all of my characters just ceasing to exist. I think I'm going to cry.... don't even get me started on thinking about losing my pictures

I used to delete my writings, but then one day I started saving some of them and obviously became so attached that I don't want them deleted. Especially one draft I've been working on for a while. We called her Betty.

Happy Early Birthday

I had a fun three day weekend in Lake Placid. I celebrated Taylor's birthday early with her and the family. Her family is beyond awesome! They are so sweet because they had dinner waiting for me when I arrived. Saturday we woke up early and Mr. C. took us out on his airboat. We saw tons of birds, butterflies, and a couple of baby gators. We even took the airboat on a dry land and got stuck, so Mr. C. had to get out to make it lighter for it move.  By the time we made it back to the house Mrs. C. was serving homemade lasagna for lunch. After lunch, Mr. C. told Taylor and I to get ready because he made us a mani & pedi appointment for 2pm. Mr. C. got a pedicure and Taylor and I got manicures and pedicures. It was my very first mani and pedi. It was quite an experience! I took a short nap afterwards and then Mr. and Mrs. C., Taylor, and I headed to see the movie "A Walk In The Woods."

Sunday, Taylor and I spent most of the morning trying to figure out how to work the C Geo app so that we could go geocaching. Once she figured it out we went out in search for geocaches. We found tons! We even went to the local state park to find some and we ended up seeing a deer and swinging on swings as well. We ate lunch at a local Chinese restaurant, which was delicious. Afterwards, we headed back to the house to take showers and then I took my daily nap. Mrs. C. made pork chops for dinner. Yum! After dinner, we headed to the bar down the street. We started with a jack and coke, then went to a long island iced tea... after which we still weren't  feeling a buzz at all. We took a Johnny Vegas shot (red bull, watermelon schnapps, and silver tequila) and then we felt the buzz. Taylor went up to the live band to request a song and ended up singing two songs (Sugarland's Stay and a duet of Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss' Whiskey Lullaby). I loved it because I had never heard her sing those songs before.  While she was singing I drank two key lime martinis and paid our tab. They tasted just like key lime pie. I should have been drunk, but I was just buzzed. When she was done, we sat at the bar a while longer talking until she was ready to drive home.

Monday, we woke up, had breakfast and lounged around watching TV until it was time to head home.

Airboating

Cake

geocaching

Can you spot the geocache?

Enjoying a drink at the bar while listening to the live band.

I Am One Happy Lady

Prior to Saturday my plan was to trade in my car by the end of the year. I already had the money saved, but I wanted to put as many miles as possible on the Mazda before making a trade. I have had wicked new car fever for the past few months and I was itching to get rid of my Mazda. 

I had an appointment for an oil change at Mazda on Saturday. Somehow I had a feeling that a lot of work was going to be needed although I couldn't tell you what felt wrong with the car, so I blamed the feeling on my new car fever. I hypothesized scenarios with my dad about how much money I should be willing to put into the Mazda (even though at the time I didn't know anything was wrong with it) before saying no since I planned to trade it by the end of the year.   Anyways, it turned out it needed $1800 worth of work done. Something about the suspension, axle, brakes blah, blah, blah... I stopped listening after I heard $1800. I told the service lady not to perform any of the work, so I just paid for the oil change and tire rotation that they already performed and took my old lady (my 10 year old Mazda) home.


Obviously, I decided not to put the money into the Mazda. Once I got home I talked with my mom and dad. I was pretty set on getting a new Mazda6. However, I asked my parents to go with me to look at Mustangs to rule them out. My dad came along for fun because he also wanted to test drive one and I felt my mom came along because she's mom and I'd like both my parents there to consult with. Although I half expected my mom not to support the whole idea of getting a Mustang. Test driving seemed like a logical thing to do because I've never driven a Mustang before. Ever since I was a kid I have wanted a Mustang. In fact, when I first saw the 2015 body style of the Mustangs, I was disappointed because I knew this would be the year I would be in the market for a vehicle. I dislike the rear end of the 2015 Mustangs, but I went to Ford to make sure I really didn't like it. After all, it's been a dream since I was a kid. 

I told the sales guy I was looking for a coupe... preferably black. I also let him know that I liked the 2014 body style better than the 2015, but I needed to see the 2015 to rule it out. He took us to the pre-owned section first. This is where I found a black 2014 Ford Mustang Coupe V-6 with 26K miles on it for $18,900. I loved the body style and loved the way it felt when I sat in it, but I asked the sales guy if we could look at the 2015's and then maybe come back to the 2014. After looking at the new 2015 Mustangs, I knew right away I didn't even like it enough to test drive one. We headed back to the 2014 to test drive it. The guy made a copy of my license, told us the test drive route, and sent us on our way unsupervised. The sound of the engine was music to my ears. By the time I pulled back onto the lot, I was in love.

After my dad took it for a spin, we looked at the Carfax. The fact that it had been a rental almost made me walk away, but it was a certified pre-owned Ford that came with more warranty than a new vehicle. My parents and I discussed it and they didn't think it was a bad decision to get it, so I financed it. Adios Mazda! My credit score was beautiful and I qualified for their special APR. I did purchase some additional warranty to protect my investment. Plus, that gave me more peace of mind since I was apprehensive about it being a rental.  I even found out that they ordered leather for the vehicle and that was included in the price, so I'm going to schedule an appointment to get leather installed when it comes in.

Overall, I saved a ton of money by going with a pre-owned. I absolutely love it and that's how everyone should feel after getting a car. I have no buyers remorse. I certainly don't regret not getting a Mazda6. The Mustang is so much fun to drive! I can't stop smiling because I am one happy lady.

Switching Insurance Plans

At first, I wasn't concerned about switching off my parents' insurance plan and onto my own plan through work. However, I freaked out a little with the switch fast approaching. 

What if my current doctors aren't in network? What if my medication is no longer covered? What if I have to find new doctors and I go into a bad flare while waiting for "new patient" appointments? What if I have to find a new doctor and they want me to do a colonoscopy?

Those thoughts above are toxic. The negative and worrisome mindset is addictive and exhausting. I had to shut it down and go back to being nonchalant about the whole thing.  When dealing with insurance and doctors, I expect a crisis on the horizon. On the flip side, I am an adult and I probably have as much experience with insurance and doctors as your grandma. Plus, I have others with more experience in my corner. My plan is to take it one day at a time and handle any changes as they come because worrying about the "what if's" won't be beneficial.

Before I shut down the negative thoughts, I called my pharmacy to inquire if I had any refills available for Cimzia. To my surprise, I did. Wow, I got the refill without having to call my doctor to request it because the pharmacy communicated with my doctor! Anyways, I asked if I was cleared by insurance (still my parents') for a refill, or if I had to wait for my refill clearance to become available (I can only refill once every 3 1/2 weeks or so, so the refill window is sometimes tight). To my surprise, I was cleared for a refill. Long story short, my September dose of Cimzia was covered by my parents' insurance and will be here this week, which means I have a longer period of time to figure out my new insurance plan. It's a huge relief!

A Bachelorette Party

After work yesterday, I went out with a few ladies from the office for my supervisor's bachelorette party. We started the night with drinks and appetizers at Dexter's in Lake Mary (the same place I had my lunch interview with my supervisor and her supervisor). It's a completely different atmosphere at night. We all wore paper tiaras that said "Team Bride."   I started the night with a Blue Moon.

Next, we walked over to World of Beer. This is where the fun really started. Everyone got another round of drinks. This time I got a Guinness! For some reason the Guinness made them inquire about my relationship status....Like only single women drink dark beer.  I told them I am closer to becoming a rockstar than I am to being in a relationship. They laughed and inquired what my "type" is. I told them I don't really have a type and the one lady concluded that I'll bang anything.  I'm pretty sure everyone else ordered their third round while I was still working on my Guinness. We chatted, laughed, and drank. We all had a Cinnamon Toast Crunch shot and then I followed that with a vodka tonic.

We chatted up some guys and the one bought the bachelorette a shot. We stopped drinking alcohol around 8:30pm and started drinking water. We eventually made our way back over to Dexter's. They had a live band playing, so we danced. The bachelorette even got a shout out from the band. They didn't mention anything about my lack of dancing skill, so I guess I blended pretty well. We were all sober by 11pm, so we called it a night.

I had a great night getting to know the ladies better. They are fun and super chill. I have mad respect for them because they are hard working women that know how to have responsible fun. Most are mothers and/or wives a little older than I am, but they aren't like any parent or spouse I've ever met. They define the role of mother/wife differently than other people in my life. It sounds weird. It's hard to explain, but I like it.

Something's Gotta Give

Last Wednesday, I was overcome with nasty fatigue. I thought maybe it was because I used too many spoons at a pub crawl with work on Tuesday night. However, the fatigue has stuck around like an annoying zit that isn't welcome. Times like these make me glad that I'm not responsible for anyone except myself. I don't even feel like taking care of myself because it feels like a lot of work.

If I'm being honest about it, I probably noticed becoming more easily fatigued a month or so ago. Then I started running a couple of weeks ago.  It's hard. I'm slow as fuck. I find myself gasping for air and my legs screaming at me to stop... to which I tell them to shut up. After a one or two mile run, I feel like I've ran a marathon. I can say that because I know how that feels. I'm exhausted. It doesn't feel right. I totally understand that getting back into shape is hard, but I don't think it's supposed to be this difficult. I'm supposed to be athletic for crying out loud.  I have such little energy that taking a shower tires me out.

When people ask how I am, I tell them I'm doing great. For the most part it's true and I want it to be true, but it's not completely true. Fatigue is part of the invisible side of Crohn's.  I look normal and healthy, but really I'm struggling with energy.  Can't someone pay me to just sleep and poop?

I finished a 5k on Saturday and it was ugly... 40 minutes of ugliness. Typically, I would say 5k's are easy, but not anymore. 5k's deserve more respect than I previously gave them. I woke up, ran and mostly walked the 5k, went home, took a shower, and then slept until dinner. I ate dinner and then went back to bed. From Friday at 7:30pm until Sunday at 7:30pm I slept over 30 hours. The crazy thing is that I'm still tired.

Why am I so tired? Is this just typical for being out of shape? Heck, I've ran a half marathon without training before and it wasn't this hard. The last part of last week I went to work and then came home, ate dinner, took a shower, and went to bed just to do it all over again the next morning. Something's gotta give... I want to feel strong again. I want to feel like a runner again. I want the slight pain in my belly after a bowel movement to go away, so I can stop ignoring it. Ahh, is that pain I feel... no, I don't think so... you're just a wimp. I don't feel any pain. No, really though...was it pain? Maybe I'm just being paranoid about another flare looming.

Rewarded for Working Hard

If you asked me what my strengths are, I would tell you my strengths are being a quick learner and being a hard worker. I got my work ethic from my dad and he got it from his dad. I work hard without expecting praise and/or rewards for doing what needs to be done. My family isn't known for giving praise, so I grew up with either silence or criticism. I worked for my dad for 10 years and rarely got praised. It's just not his style, so it's always a little strange for me to get praised. Although I do love high fives!

My supervisor at Wharton-Smith gives me feedback on my work every week. She praises me by telling me how great I'm doing and telling me how impressed she is with how fast I catch on. Though I think she is super patient and a fantastic teacher. It makes me feel good and it takes the guessing game out of figuring out how well I'm doing at work. Last week, my supervisor took the praise a step further. She recommended me for a bonus and the VP of Finance and the President of the company approved it. I've only been with the company for five weeks and I got a bonus! I think that speaks volumes about how well I'm doing at work. In the past, typically my hard work was rewarded with letter grades, winning, scoring the most points, or just the satisfaction I get out of doing my best. This time, my hard work was rewarded with money!!!  I am falling more in love with Wharton-Smith every week.

I signed up for health benefits with Wharton-Smith. That will be kicking in September 1st. I'm feeling pretty adult-y about having my own health insurance through my company. I also will start contributing to my 401K through the company starting September 1st. After two years with the company, they begin matching. Once they begin matching I'll start contributing the maximum allowed to take full advantage of it. I also get life insurance, which will be enough to handle all of my debts (right now I only have student loan debt, but the life insurance is enough to cover student loan, auto loan, and part of a mortgage until they can sell my future house) and after death affairs, and still leave my beneficiary with some left over.

A Rock Star and Vaginal Farts

Rock star:

I just wanted to share this hilarious thing I heard on the radio this morning. A caller called in to talk about what part of life her and her circle of friends are in. After explaining that she is the only single one left in her circle of friends, the radio host asked if she was next to get hitched. To which she responded: I'm closer to becoming a rock star than getting married.  I laughed out loud and knew I will use that explanation in the future when someone asks me about my relationship status and marriage. I'm most definitely closer to becoming a rock star!

Vaginal Farts:

My vagina has farted a couple times this week. It sounds ridiculous, right?  At first I was caught off guard because I didn't feel it coming until it was already rattling my vaginal walls on it's way out... and by then it's too late to hide. It happened after my period ended. It made me giggle. How could I not find vaginal farts funny. I think anal farts are funny, but vaginal farts are even funnier to me. I didn't know they existed. For real though, I am so damn sexy and I know it! My vagina has puffed air like it's an asshole. lol I don't know. It didn't hurt. I've been Google-ing vaginal farts and comparing normal peoples' experiences with Crohn's disease patients' experiences.  For normal people it's no big deal. For people with Crohn's there usually ends up being a fistula involved. I'm curious ladies, does your vagina fart? I'd love to hear about it. No, I don't feel like this is too much information. I don't know that much about it and I want to learn more. It's not bothering me, but if it keeps up should I ask a medical professional about it? If so, would I ask my OB, gastro, PA, or colorectal specialist about vaginal farts?  Imagine the phone call, "Hey Doc, my vagina has been farting and I'm wondering if I should be concerned? 

I Pooped!!!!!

Today at work, I pooped! I even pooped again when I got home! Does anyone else get excited about taking a shit? As I flushed I pumped my fists into the air to celebrate before washing my hands. It's frustrating how one week I can be pooping my brains out and the next week I could be willing to give my life just to have a bowel movement. My life often revolves around my bowel habits.  It's kind of sad how much I think about it throughout the day. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be better. I haven't had any stomach pain lately.

Perhaps the coconut oil pills helped the constipation. However, my money is on the Senokot laxative tablets. Shh, don't tell my doctor... I probably wasn't supposed to take those because she says senna, the active ingredient, can turn my colon black. As if my colon isn't ugly enough let me turn it black. That sounds like a title to a book: The Black Colon.

In other news, on September 1st I will be switching off my parents' insurance plan and onto my own plan through work. Once I do that there's no turning back. Thankfully, it's still with United Health Care, so I'm hoping the switch won't be too difficult regarding continued coverage for Cimzia. I'm not really concerned if I have to find different doctors in network because I'm not in love with my current doctors.  At least I'm not stressing about it. I'll deal with the switch when the time comes. I'm also getting vision, life and my 401k will kick in in October. I'm growing up and it feels good! I'm also looking forward to my 90 day review in October where it's likely I'll be getting a pay bump.

Constipation Update

It's been a week since I've had a good bowel movement.

I've been taking coconut oil pills twice a day since Thursday to get my mom off my back about it being "my fault" for being constipated. I verbalized my doubt of the coconut oil pills being able to help and she hopped on my back again. It's "my fault" they won't help because according to her I should have been taking coconut oil pills every day as a "preventative" for these kinds of things.  I disagreed and she got offended and is now being quiet about this round of constipation. I lost her support for this round, but can I really lose something I never really had this round?

Seriously, I understand that people care and want to help, but I despise when people blame me for my situation. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE CROHN'S! I know I don't always take proper care of myself. Mostly because I don't have the energy to or I don't care enough about myself to. If you have some miraculous solution or preventative treatment for Crohn's, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue, chronic pain, anal leakage, and/or rectal bleeding, sell your idea and make millions. Don't harass me about your hypothetical cure.

My period is just finishing, so I don't know if this round of constipation is somehow related to that or not. I know my bowel habits are unpredictable around this time of month. I started taking Senokot tablets (it uses a natural vegetable laxative ingredient) instead of Miralax yesterday. I've had a few dip n' dots, but nothing that could be considered a real bowel movement. My stomach is starting to feel the pressure building from not being about to shit. The shit building up inside me makes the scale believe that I'm gaining weight, so that's the plus side.

On The Verge of Constipation...

I haven't pooped today. Although it's wonderful not pooping at least 3 times a day (my normal/healthy schedule), I'm concerned I may be constipated. Remember the last time I was constipated? It led to the Texas incident...

Fun Times

Update: I think I'm back to "normal" as I've only pooped a couple times today. I'm feeling good and I hope it continues. Btw, my dad cleaned the bathroom for me. I owe him one!

Finally, I can blog about girls weekend without the fear of pooping myself. Let me start by saying that I had four days off in a row!!!! I can't remember the last time that happened.

Thursday was absolutely incredible! Even though my rental car wasn't the convertible I booked, I picked up Taylor around 5:15pm and we headed to Miami for the Shania Twain concert. On the way, we mostly talked and caught each other up on our lives. Not much to catch up on since we just talked for a few hours on the phone the night before. We got to the arena early and we were giddy in our seats playing around on Dubsmash to waste time. Once the concert started we sang along with every song. We acted like we were serenading each other, screamed like fan girls, and danced like no one was watching! The night lived up to my expectations, which is to say it was a night I won't forget.

Friday, we returned my rental car and then headed to the hotel for girls weekend. After we checked in early, Taylor and I ate at Lola's. I had an amazing blackened dolphin sandwich. We got a huge brownie to share and that brownie lasted the whole weekend. It was excellent. Once we got back to the hotel we took a nap, and then we lounged by the pool while we waited for Brittany and Kelly to arrive. I enjoyed lounging because it was the only time during the weekend that I read The Martian. It's one hell of a good book. By the time we changed and I jokingly did Taylor's hair, Kel and Britt had arrived. We went to some Tiki place for dinner and it had the perfect atmosphere to set the tone for the weekend. When we got back to the hotel, we played games for hours and danced. It was great to have good old classic fun.

Saturday, we went to the beach. While there we played with a beach ball and Frisbee. Heck, I even joined the ladies in the ocean. The water was clear because there weren't many waves, which I loved. After the beach, we grabbed lunch and took showers, and then headed to the mall. I was exhausted, so I took a nap after the mall. To no avail I woke super fatigued. My stomach hurt, but I just thought it was gas pain. Anyways, I sucked it up and we went bowling and sang karaoke. I won both games of bowling with a 117 and Taylor pointed out my Taco Bell order # on the way back to the hotel was 117. Those numbers don't mean anything to me, but I thought it was weird.

Sunday, we went to the beach and headed home. For me, overall, this weekend was the relaxation I needed and great bonding time with amazing friends. I am noticing though that I don't feel as fun as I used to be. Is that a sign of getting old or just not feeling 100%? I want to have more energy. I don't want going to the beach to feel like it costs me half of my day's spoons.

I Pooped My Brains Out

I'll post about the fun girls weekend next time.

This post will be about fucking Crohn's disease.  I was supposed to do my Cimzia injections on Thursday, the day I left town. I decided to post-pone the injections by 3-4 days because they make my belly really sore and the injection spots tend to get puffy and sometimes bruised. I didn't really want a swollen tummy at the beach.

I knew going into the weekend that my energy levels weren't the best, but I thought with afternoon naps I would be able to keep up with the weekend. I did okay until Saturday afternoon. My two hour nap didn't help at all. I still felt really fatigued and tired. I had the chills. Maybe it was the sun and water... maybe it was the alcohol the night before... maybe it was because I post-poned my injections. Plus, I had gas cramps. I'm glad I sucked it up and went bowling and sang karaoke though. I got up a few times in the middle of the night to poop (it was diarrhea). I was as quiet as I could be, but I felt bad because I didn't want to wake anyone up with my potty issues. I tossed and turned and accidentally woke Taylor up a few times. I even woke up sweating at one point, which is strange because I was freezing most of the night.

Thankfully, I woke up Sunday morning with enough energy to get me through the beach and car ride home.  I took a three hour nap when I got home. After the nap, I was feeling way better until I ate dinner. After dinner, my stomach pain had me doubled over and I was running to the bathroom once or twice and hour.

Side note: I'm living with my family. My mom and dad hear me struggling to make my lunch for the next day in the kitchen. I'm moaning in pain. At one point I was on the floor. My mom got up to see what was going on, I gasped in pain when I told her I was trying to make lunch, and then she just said, "Oh, I used to feel like that after I ate Tijuana." (I hate when healthy people think that they have felt what I feel.) She then went back to the couch. I can't ask her to help make my lunch, but she didn't even offer to help and that pissed me off... which is weird because I hate when I need help. (She gets weird when I hang out with Taylor. Even though those two claim to be liking each other these days.) Don't get me wrong I know they care when it matters, but sometimes I feel like when I don't feel well it's just so normal for them that they don't think twice. They are constantly telling me that I can't live on my own because then I'll have no one to take care of me and I'm like it won't be much different than it is now. The only difference will be that no one will see me in pain.

I didn't really get much sleep Sunday night. Between 9pm and 6am I pooped at least 15 times. I pretty much pooped my brains out. How could that much shit be inside me? The last time I pooped that much was in Texas. (Mom has the nerve to tell me to clean the toilet. I know it needs to be cleaned and when I feel better, I'll clean it. Damn you woman,) I'm just glad this time I had at least some control over my bowels. Somewhere along the way the pain went away, but my stomach was sore from pooping so much. If I didn't have my new job, I would have called in sick. I was so tired. I put on a good face and made it through work with way more bathroom breaks than normal. When I got home on Monday, I did my injections, ate dinner, and then went to bed. Thank God, I only woke up 6 times between 7:30pm and 6:30am to poop. I slept much better.

Today, I feel way better than Sunday and Monday; however, I still don't feel as well as I did on Friday. My bowels are still calming down and I'm hoping it's under control before I start losing weight. I've already lost three pounds, but I think it's just because I'm dehydrated. I'll clean the bathroom tomorrow.

P.S. I got an amazing compliment from my supervisor today about how well I'm doing. It almost made me cry. Damn you, feelings.

Fun Times Ahead!!!

This Wednesday I was supposed to go to the Shania Twain concert in Jacksonville with Kim, but she will be in Texas visiting Baylor and learning about their PT program.  Have no fear, I was still planning on going even if it meant going by myself. Thankfully, Kelly will be going with me instead. I'm excited because this will give me a chance to start working her out of her shell before our girls/game weekend.  Plus, I know she will know all the words to sing along.

It's only my second week at my new job and I'm already taking off two days this week: Thursday and Friday. That's how fantastic my supervisor is. On Thursday I'll be in Sunrise to pick up Taylor from work at 5:30pm so that we can head to The Shania Twain Concert in Miami. I will accept nothing less than a night we will never forget.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be spent with Brittany, Kelly, and Taylor! I'm super excited because I think we all need this girls getaway for one reason or another. We will be playing games, drinking, karaoke-ing,  bowling, and beach going. Personally, I'm hoping to forget about life's negativity and my responsibilities this weekend. I don't even care that my pooper has been super active lately. They all know I have Crohn's and I know they will understand if I have to make a lot of trips to the bathroom. I'm not in any pain, so I'm up for a weekend full of fun. It's going to be an interesting dynamic of personalities between the four of us. There will never be a dull moment, which is awesome because I want this weekend to be unforgettable. I want to make memories that will have us laughing for years to come.

The Cat is Out of The Bag

I'm taking Taylor to see the Shania Twain Concert in Miami next Thursday. It was supposed to be a surprise, but her boyfriend told her about it on their anniversary since the concert ticket is one of his gifts to her. Thank God because it was killing me not being able to talk about it with her! Now we get to have awesome text convos like the one below.  It's so awesome that she loves Shania Twain as much as I do!!!  God Bless her... she can't spell to save her life

My First Day at Wharton-Smith, Inc.

I meant to write this post Monday night, but I went to bed right after dinner because I was not feeling well. I pooped my brains out and then I slept for over 11 hours. I felt better on Tuesday, thankfully. Now somehow it's Thursday and I'm just getting around to it...

I always wondered if higher paying jobs were really more work. In this case, it is certainly more work mentally. I'm learning lots and loving every minute of it. The details, organization, and responsibility involved are exciting. I'm pretty much shadowing my supervisor, Kim V. until I get the hang of things. She seems like an awesome lady! The work she does is impressive and I can't wait to learn all of her payroll ways!   She has given me a few projects already to work on. I love it because she is not a micro manager. She showed me what to do, then gave me the project to complete and said just ask if I had any questions. She will be checking my work afterwards until I fully know what I'm doing, but it's nice to have that freedom to do it by myself. There isn't any unnecessary hovering, which is opposite of Classic Mazda. I love that it feels like she already trusts me! I have seen things this week that made my eyes pop with the outstanding realization that I am responsible for highly sensitive information. I certainly don't take that lightly.

Everyone in the office is super nice! Most of the ladies are around my age and are either having kids or getting married. lol I'd say there are about 15 people in the Payroll, Accounting/Finance, and HR area where I work and there are way more people in other areas of the building. As far as Payroll goes, it's just Kim V. and myself. On any given week we will be processing payroll for 450-500 employees.

Soon enough I'll be Kim V.'s right hand gal for everything. I have to be fully trained by September because she is taking off for two weeks to get married!

P.S. I knew I was going to love this job right away once I went to the bathroom for the first time because they keep a poopourri and a febreeze bottle in the single stall bathroom.  At Mazda, I just went into the men's room whenever I had to take a crap so that if anyone smelled anything they would think it was one of the guys.  Now I have absolutely no stress about going to the bathroom at work. It's awesome

Tomorrow is Only a Day Away

I start my new job as payroll assistant tomorrow! Well, technically I'll likely be spending the whole day with HR getting orientated, but I'm excited nonetheless! A new job, a new routine, and best of all less time with certain members of my family.  I'm super excited because it's a set schedule. I even get about two hours of jam session time during my commute each day. It's going to be great time for me to get in the zone of happiness and fun, and get my head right again. I love time to myself even if I don't consider myself an introvert. It's so easy to let others' negativity mess with my mentality. Almost like the negativity is contagious. I'm working on making mixed CDs to listen to.  In the mean time, I'll be jamming out to Olly Murs.

One of Those Moods

Do you ever get into one of those moods where everything anybody does just pisses you off, and then you try to convince yourself that you don't give a shit? I found myself in that mood today.

I like to think that typically I am a very easy going person. Most of the time, I really don't give a shit. That's how I usually keep my zen.  I rarely find myself angry. When I do get angry though, it's always with my family. My first go to strategy is to get quiet because I absolutely hate conflict. So, I avoid it if I can by not giving a shit.  If you're looking for a reaction, you are not likely to get one from me. It's taken years of practice, but I have mastered the art of knowing when to keep my mouth shut. However, I am willing to change my strategy if the circumstances warrant it. Trust me, once I open my mouth I won't be shutting it anytime soon. That's a can of worms you probably don't want to open.  Keep me out of petty games and grow up. We're family, people! Love or ignore; don't hate.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

That Thing I Used To Do

Do you remember that thing I used to do? That thing called running? Yeah, after three months of not running or working out at all, I decided to go for a run last week. Of course it was hot, it's summer time in Florida. I only went for a mile and a half and I walked toward the end. It was good to get back out there. Even though I was so sore the next day it was unbelievable. For crying out loud, I went for less than two miles.

Now that I've established I am in no physical condition I've decided to start training... again. I am so out of shape I have trouble thinking of myself as a long distance runner.  I'm starting back at the basics, which I should be used to doing by now. I have to build back up my base mileage. I know the hard work I'm going to have to put in and I know somewhere along the way I'll fall in love with running again.  Historically, I'm not very good at sticking with a training schedule, but I always start with good intentions.

I have registered for a couple of races as motivation to stick with the plan. I have the  Cocoa Beach Half Marathon at the end of October, the Space Coast Half Marathon at the end of November, and a half marathon in Mobile, Alabama at the beginning of January.  Here's to getting back out there and creating a healthy routine so that I don't become a lazy old lady.

Part 3 of 3: A Wedding, Marriage, and a Gut Check

A Gut Check:

Why do I have to be cynical? Why can't I be a romantic? Why do I have to be skeptical of love? Why can't I find it easy to believe when others say that they are "in love". Dang, that phrase makes me cringe. Although I don't mind singing along with it in songs.. hmmm.

I have never been close to being in love. Perhaps I'm scared of the idea. Honestly, how can I call bullshit on love when I have never experienced it? I will try to stop judging other people's "love" out loud until I experience falling in love for myself. It won't be anytime soon. I might not understand it, but I think everybody loves differently. Maybe it's just that I don't want everyone else's kind of love. I may just have to find someone that will love to my far fetched expectations.

It's difficult to change my mindset. I'm hoping it will be liberating though.

Part 2 of 3: A Wedding , Marriage, and a Gut Check

Marriage:

Yes, here I go again. There are two definite opinions I have that make me feel like a heartless asshole. Just because it isn't for me doesn't mean it isn't for you.

1. I do not like animals as pets. It's a big commitment. They're stinky, they're a lot of work, and basically you love them and then they die... it's heartbreaking. I've only ever had one pet that I truly loved and when she died, I told myself it's not worth the pain of death. Great, now I'm crying just thinking about her. Anyways, I am currently an anti-pet person. I will not have any pets of my own in the near future.
2.  I do not understand marriage and why people get married. That is probably because I do not understand love.  It's a huge commitment. Spouses can be stinky, they're a lot of work, and basically you love them and then one of you die... It's heartbreaking. It always seems like one person in the union is constantly giving more than the other.

I do not have the confidence in myself to be able to fulfill my would be role as wife. I can be a selfish, heartless, asshole and so the thought of a wife's role in marriage makes me itch. Despite of the fact that I also think I am one heck of a good person and I think good ladies like me are hard to find, so the flip side is that I would have a difficult time believing any man could fulfill his duty to me as a husband... And I just wouldn't accept anything except balance. 

Being a finance major, I do see the financial benefits in marriage and that might make it worth considering.  After reading the above post, even I am somewhat confused on marriage and my views on marriage. I know I don't understand marriage and that is probably why I'm confused. This post does pretty much describe my view at this point in time though.

Part 1 of 3 - A Wedding, Marriage, and a Gut Check

A Wedding:

As you know I attended a lovely wedding in Alabama this past weekend. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, but I was a little confused at the ceremony! It was a Catholic wedding and the ceremony lasted an hour and fifteen minutes. I'm not Catholic and although I don't regularly go to church, I'm no stranger to Sunday morning Baptist church service. During the ceremony the 200 + guests would stand, sit, kneel, sit, stand, kneel stand, kneel, sit, stand, sit... Most of the time I was wondering how almost everyone knew what to do and when to do it? The audience would pray and/or shout back words toward the pastor/priest/father (I don't know what the dude is called that was conducting the union).  Anyways the guy looked like the one kid from the movie Sandlot.How did those folks know what to say and what the heck were they saying?  The only thing I knew was the Lord's Prayer.

If you know me, you know I'm very skeptical of marriage and weddings. I was completely lost when the look alike guy from Sandlot began praying in Latin... for like ten minutes. I sat there baffled because I was not understanding the prayer.

My cynicism was confirmed when he cited the Bible verses that feed my dislike of marriage because of the misunderstanding this part of Scripture creates: Ephesians 5:22 - 33. More on that in blog part 2 of 3.

After the wedding, the reception was held at a mansion with buffet style food and drink rooms, a dancing room that also had the wedding cake (that seemed like a dangerous placement to me), tables and chairs scattered throughout the mansion and outside, and even a photo booth. I had a great time with mom. I enjoyed dancing and the wedding cake was incredible.

Wish Me Luck

I have an interview tomorrow with an amazing company, Wharton-Smith, Inc. Construction Group. They have provided general contracting solutions for Atlantis in the Bahamas, Manta at SeaWorld, and Bright House Networks Stadium at UCF to name a few. I'll be interviewing for a payroll assistant position.  I'm super excited for the opportunity to meet with the payroll supervisor tomorrow afternoon. I am going to put my best foot forward.

A Whole Weekend Off

This weekend off was exactly what I needed. Sure, I didn't fill out as many job apps as I would have liked to, but I think I owed myself one weekend of a little laziness. Plus, I felt sick all of last week with a sore throat, runny nose, and pounding headaches. I cleaned my room, did laundry, searched for jobs, dyed my hair, lounged by the pool, tried on my rocking hot outfit for the wedding next weekend and took three hour naps!  It was grand!!!

Seriously, I think I could sleep forever. No matter how long my nap is or how many hours of sleep I get at night I never have a problem falling asleep. I never think I'm not tired enough to sleep. Friday and Saturday night I got about 12 hours of sleep each night. I didn't set an alarm to wake up, I just decided to stay awake when I woke to pee out of obligation to have a somewhat productive day. I took a three hour nap this afternoon from about 4pm to 7pm and here it is almost 9pm and I'm ready for bed.

For the most part, Crohn's disease has been behaving itself. Although I did experience some slight stomach pain last week, but that easily could have been from Aunt Flow. It's been so nice not having to deal with pain. I actually think my pain tolerance has gone down since I'm not used to handling it every day. No pain is good, but I hate how it makes me feel weak when I do encounter pain because I'm not accustomed to it like I was.

Even though I haven't been experiencing pain, Crohn's is still present. I know because I pooped about nine times yesterday and last week I was pooping about five times a day. At first, I blamed my period; however, when it continued I started to blame Crohn's. What the heck, how can I poop nine times in a day and think it's okay? Because I feel okay that's how. It does worry me a little though. If it keeps up, I know I'll start losing weight again and that's never fun. I'm a solid 140 lbs, not the 150 lbs I've been trying to get back to since the beginning of the year, but I'll take it.