This Smile is Glued to My Face

I have officially accepted the job offer for the contracts/risk specialist position. I will transfer on Monday, March 21st to my new cube downstairs. I am super excited about this opportunity!

Above is a snip from the e-mail that confirmed my entry into the 2016 TCS NYC Marathon! I won the lottery! 

My lab results are in. Although they have improved slightly, the doc wants me to start taking iron again because my levels are still too low. He didn't mention anything about switching meds and since I'm feeling ok, I didn't ask.

It's not even Wednesday and this week has already been a whirlwind. When I have more time, I'll post more about my new position and NYC.

From Bed to Work to Bed

I wake up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. That has been my routine this week as I fight a nasty bug that's been going around the office. No time to dream. No time to make plans. No time to live. No time to run. Things like showering and eating have taken a backseat. I've been so tired that I've been tempted to pull over at the rest stop on my way home to take a nap before I finish driving home. I finally mustered up enough energy to get a shower and now I'm about to head back to bed.

I have lab work scheduled for Saturday, but I'm probably going to cancel it because my upper respiratory infection will make the CBC test worse.  You know, that's the lab test that's going to tell me how much inflammation is in my body to know whether the increased Cimzia dose is working or not. So, I think I should wait until I'm healthier before I get the lab work done.

At my doctor's appointment on Friday I weighed in at 142lbs. That's 8lbs off my target weight. I started taking iron again this week as a last ditch effort to help my iron levels in my lab result and I'm already constipated, which means I've been "gaining weight." I hate that I'm going to postpone getting lab work because that means I'm going try to keep taking iron until I'm well enough to get the lab work done... so I won't be having a good poop for a while. Honestly, I don't know how long I'm going to last taking iron. Woah is me. I'm sick with a cold and I have no energy. Pity Party of One, your bed is now available.

I'm the One That Doesn't Care

After reviewing my labs, my doctor thinks Crohn's may be active. He wants me to get an MRI or colonoscopy. The goal is to stop active inflammation before it leads to complications - strictures, abscess, fistulas. (Hey, I've had all of those before) I have opted for the MRI. Now, I just have to schedule it. Technically, I'm an adult; however, I had a tantrum in my room about my current health situation. I bawled my eyes out and pissed off some people. I don't mean to upset people. I felt so isolated and alone yesterday. Does anyone really get it?

It seems as though every damn time I have issues related to Crohn's that my mom blames me. Whether that blame is direct or indirect is beside the point. It's my fault because I don't do anything she says to "help" prevent things like this from happening. In my twisted head, when I hear her go off on tangents about what all I should be doing, all I think is that she doesn't get it. She doesn't care. It's not my fault. Chill out. It was brought to my attention that if she didn't care, she wouldn't be trying to "help". And I was told to never say mom doesn't care again. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I see that I was wrong. The truth is my mom cares... almost too much, but perhaps I need that. The truth is that I'm the one that doesn't care.

I'm skeptical eating better will help. I'm skeptical taking probiotics will help. I'm skeptical taking vitamin D will help. I am making changes anyway. I will start eating better. I will start taking probiotics. I will start taking vitamin D. I will do it for "them". I will do it to keep them quiet. If you have a cure, tell me and I'll add it to the list. I'll do it for you. Maybe one day I'll do it for me, but for now I think it's just going to be a waste of my time and money.

It's hard to take advice from someone who said, "inflammation is a sign of healing." I couldn't help, but laugh out loud when I heard that. Crohn's is the immune system attacking itself, which causes chronic inflammation in the GI tract. I don't believe the inflammation is a sign that I'm chronically "healing".  That makes no sense!

I am suffocated by those who care and yet I feel alone because I don't think they get it. Heck, maybe I'm the one that doesn't get it.

Lab Results 10.30.15

I got my lab results back. Now, I just have to wait to hear back from my doctor about how much iron I should be taking and whether I should be doing anything else.

Test Name                    Value                    Reference Range
Iron, Serum                     18                       35 - 155 ug/DL
Iron Saturation                 5                        15 - 55 %
Hemoglobin                    9.2                      11.1 - 15.9 g/DL
C - Reactive Protein       11.7                     0.0 - 4.9 mg/L

I highlighted what I think are the most important values that were out of range on my results. Yes, I read my own lab results. I needed some help from Kim and Google on some of them though.

As expected my iron and hemoglobin levels are nowhere near where they should be. I'm not sure how worried I should be about this because I know my levels have been this low before.

The C-Reactive Protein test is interesting because it measures general levels of inflammation in my body. Crohn's must be hard at work inflaming everything. I'm surprised I'm not having more issues.