Caution: Adulting Ahead

I recently become a certified Construction Risk Insurance Specialist (CRIS).  A few weeks later I received a promotion!  My duties have been slowly changing over the past couple months. I'm training our new Contracts/Risk Specialist on negotiating terms and conditions for our purchase orders and subcontracts. I've been getting more involved in owner and other special agreements. I've also been handling more claims (workers compensation, auto, builder's risk, general liability, as well as bond claims). It's exciting and I'm learning a lot!  

The people I work with are great! The department I am in operates as a strong team without any drama. We have a department meeting next month to discuss the succession plan for when our director retires. I'm confident our culture will remain the same throughout the forthcoming changes. 

So, what's next?  I'm going to keep working hard. In the next month or two, I'm going to start the process of getting approved for a mortgage so that I can weigh my options of renting vs. buying. *gasp* This level of adulting is a bit daunting. I'm working on paying off my medical debt, increasing my savings, and improving my credit score to be strong enough to withstand a few dings when I apply without bringing it below excellent. 

This is What I Wanted

The ostomy reversal surgery took about an hour and half on Wednesday, February 28, 2018. It went well and I'm glad to finally have it behind me. My mom went down to the Cleveland Clinic with me to help me again. Even though I hate needing her help, I am grateful for her support.  Taylor was there on surgery day and visited me again the day after surgery. She told me about all of her upcoming plans and it was a good escape for me. My Team Challenge friend, Bonnie, stopped by to visit me the day after surgery, too.

I basically just stayed in the hospital until I pooped. I pooped late on Friday, March 2nd and I was discharged Saturday, March 3rd. When I pooped for the first time out of my original asshole after surgery, I cried. Okay, I sobbed like crazy in the hospital room by myself.  It was the most emotional and happiest shit I have ever taken in my life. It may have been the least impressive shit in the history of mankind, but it was beautiful to me.

Recovery is going well for the most part. Things are progressing nicely. I've been experiencing occasional stomach aches, but they haven't been lasting for too long.  I can sit up from my bed without pushing myself up using my arms. I can bend over and tie my own shoes. I've been walking and working out on an elliptical. I even jogged today for the first time in nearly four months! At times my bowel movements are erratic, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. I've shit my pants more times in the past few weeks than I have in the past couple of years. Of course, the struggles fuck with me sometimes. When it's hard, I remind myself that this is what I wanted. I didn't want a permanent ostomy. I want to poop out of my first ass even if that means it's messy and I can't trust my bowels sometimes. Should I wear depends when I leave the house or should I risk shitting my pants in public?  I think about bathrooms, flatulence, and bowel movements all the time.  At first, the pain took my breath away whenever I sat up or stood up and walked. Thankfully, the pain has decreased significantly over the past few weeks and I'm able to move pain free now. I think I experienced more severe pain from the ostomy reversal surgery than I did from the bowel resection surgery. Since pain medicine causes constipation, I avoided pain meds after surgery day because I knew I couldn't be discharged unless I pooped. I chose to be in pain to give myself a better chance to poop and get out of there.

The past few months feel like they were an out of body experience and it feels weird to be on the other side both surgeries. As if I've detached myself from it in a way. I've been waiting for this battle with Crohn's to break me physically, mentally, or otherwise. I've been waiting for it to change who I am. It hasn't really broken me or changed me this time though. I've somehow managed to bounce back quickly whenever the current struggles fuck with me. My battle with Crohn's in 2012 seemed more difficult to deal with and definitely broke and changed me more than this current battle. Hell, even my battle with Crohn's in 2014/2015 seemed to break me and change me more than this one and it's likely because I have felt a lot sicker in the past than I have recently. I knew going into the first surgery that if I had to pick a time in my life for this to happen, this is it. I think being in shape and somewhat healthy leading into it as well as having the support of my family, friends, and employer helped me get through this as well as I have.

I had my first infusion back on Remicade on Thursday, March 15, 2018. They pre-medicated me with Benadryl and steroids because the risk of an allergic reaction is higher since I was off of Remicade for over six months. When the Benadryl hit my veins, I took a nap.  Now that I'm in full recovery mode and back on the magic juice, I'm going to start making my comeback!

Scarlett

The anticipation of surgery is over. The results are in and it turned out better than expected. It wasn't an open surgery, it was laparoscopic. The ileostomy is not permanent, it's temporary and it will hopefully be taken down by early March. I went back to work on January 3, 2018 after being off for only five weeks. Since being discharged from the hospital, the pain has been manageable without pain meds. Everything seemed to fall into place and the best case scenarios prevailed. Even though things have been going better than expected, it doesn't mean that it's been easy.

It's common among ostomates to name the ostomy, also known as a stoma. After many suggestions and much consideration, I named mine Scarlett. She's my second butt, my front butt. She's an asshole. I love that her name has a double "t" like the word "butt". My stoma is a red-ish color and once it's reversed it will leave a scar. Scarlett is not well behaved. She farts and shits at will. Is it okay that I don't like her?

People told me that an ostomy would give me my life back; however, I don't think my life was far enough gone for me to have the same sentiment. Yes, Scarlett is serving her purpose for me to get back to normal one day. I don't see it happening while she's functioning as my second asshole though. If Scarlett was permanent, how would my future look? Right now, I'm just waiting for her to leave so that I can move on with my life.

I have this unexplained, constant fear.  I bring spare clothes with me to leave in the car wherever I go in case she leaks. I carry spare ostomy supplies with me in my purse and I keep spare supplies at work in case the unimaginable happens. What if she leaks? Will I figure out how to minimize the mess and patch the leak? Or, will I have to change the whole fucking thing while she's still shitting? I am still abiding by the dietary restrictions. The fear of a blockage and subsequent emergency surgery has been instilled in me. Is everyone looking at my stomach? Can they see the bag filling with shit through my shirt? Shut up, Scarlett, we are not making friends today. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything.

I change my ostomy appliance every three days. Scarlett is supposed to be less active in the morning, but she shits whenever she wants. The changes are the hardest when Scarlett is constantly shitting during the change. I use adhesive remover to remove the bag and clean off the leftover adhesive residue from my skin around the stoma. I use wet paper towels soaked in baby soap to clean the stoma and surrounding skin and I follow that by wiping it down with wet paper towels to remove any soap left behind.  At first, I would measure my stoma and then cut the barrier opening of the two piece appliance at this point.

Barrier Opening. I cut in between the 1" and 1 1/4". This

is the side that sticks to the barrier ring and my skin.

Barrier Opening. This is the side Scarlett peeks through

on and also the side the two piece drainable pouch

connects to.

Now that I know the size of my stoma is slightly over one inch, I cut the barrier opening before removing the bag because Scarlett is an asshole and she can't be trusted in the open. I use skin protective spray and wipes on my skin around Scarlett and as it dries I make sure the barrier opening is cut to the right size making necessary minor adjustments. Next, I open the ring barrier protector (super sticky ring shaped thing that goes around my stoma first), cut it, and stretch it so that it will fit around my stoma. 

Ring Barrier Protector. This is the first thing that

goes on my skin around my stoma.

Cutting it was not advised by most of my nurses, but it allows me to get a perfect fit around my stoma by overlapping a bit of it. Otherwise, it's easy to overstretch the ring and then it won't fit correctly. I do make sure to overlap it at the top and not the bottom since shit is not immune to gravity. I figured if the overlap crack is at the top it will be less likely to leak.  Once the ring barrier protector is around the stoma, I put the barrier opening of the two piece appliance on top by peeling a few layers to reveal the adhesive and putting Scarlett through the hole I previously cut.

After the barrier opening is in place, I connect the drainable pouch. The plastic ring on the bag (drainable pouch) in the picture to the left connects to the barrier opening. The bottom of the bag is rolled up three times and held in place with Velcro as shown in the photo on the right. Once the bag fills with shit, I use the Velcro opening to empty it into the toilet (more on that in an upcoming post). The bags the hospital provided were clear. I hated being able to see my shit through the bag, so I'm glad my prescription bags are opaque. An ostomy is actually considered to be a prosthetic.

Once the bag is off, it's difficult to keep the area clean and dry while doing all of the steps above at the same time Scarlett is shitting. Some changes are harder than others. I am getting better at handling it each time. I recently discovered that Huggies Wipes are amazing when it comes to keeping it clean during high output change days.

My belly definitely looks different than it did before. It's been tough, but I've been tougher!

E. Pluribus Unum

On Friday, I had the opportunity to attend the 2018 FIFA World Cup Qualifier  - U.S. Men's National Team v Panama.  My employer gave single tickets to select employees and somehow I made the list! I sat with six co-workers. It was an absolutely incredible experience!  With all of the shit going on in our county, it was an inspiring event to witness! It gave me hope that we can still be one nation...at least we can be at a soccer match, which could be insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Typically, I would only see something like this on T.V.

To kick things off, both national anthems played and the crowd around me showed respect to both anthems. 

"This is an optimistic piece for trying times. A celebration of strength in diversity that is

the United States at its best. Both the patterns on the scarves and the players on the team come from

diverse backgrounds but work towards a common ideal. We can succeed if and only if we work

together towards the greater good. E. pluribus Unum! Join or Die! I believe that we will win!"

USA won 4 to 0. Every goal brought an adrenaline rush and another round of beer! I imagine attending the Olympics would feel something like this! I have a lot of people to thank at work tomorrow for that ticket!

I Will Keep Going

The week I have ahead of me is daunting.  Despite my intentions not to, I am stressing about my upcoming week.  My sisters listen to a podcast and one of many phrases it's known for is "This is terrible. Keep going." Although I'm taking it out of the podcast's context, I am using the phrase as my motto for the week. There's no point in lying to myself about how shitty this week is likely to be.  It's going to be a terrible week, but I am determined to keep going. I am not in the mood to see the bright side of things this week.

On Monday, July 24th, I will begin the preparation for my Barium Enema. The prep consists of a clear liquid diet, drinking two 10oz bottles of magnesium citrate, and taking two ducolax tablets. I will be leaving work around 2PM to go home and start the magnesium citrate and ducolax  part of the prep.

On Tuesday, July 25th, my friend, Lynn, is picking me up in the morning and taking me to my Barium Enema. I am still thankful for how amazingly caring my new running friends are. I couldn't have hand picked a better group of people. This is the day I am most stressed about. Even though I won't get the results of this test until August 11th, I'm nervous because this test should be able to provide answers as to why feces are in my urine and why gas is passing through my urethra. I'm not a doctor, but in my opinion I think it's a fistula causing a problem and the solution is going to require surgery.  During the Barium Enema, I may experience a feeling of fullness, moderate to severe cramping, the urge for a bowel movement, and general discomfort. Yes, I'm awake for the procedure. Now, you can understand why I didn't want to lie to myself about this week being terrible. Hopefully, afterwards I'll feel okay to go to work because I have a lot to get done there.

I don't really know how I will feel during the days following the Barium Enema, but life hasn't really provided me the time to rest. I will be working my ass off at work to make up time so that I can save my sick time in case I need to use it for surgery. I was invited to a prestigious Water for People, Everyone Forever charity event after work on Thursday. Their Mission: "Water For People exists to promote the development of high-quality drinking water and sanitation services, accessible to all, and sustained by strong communities, businesses, and governments." It's a great networking opportunity that I couldn't turn down. Literally, I felt obligated to go. If it was any other week, I would be excited. However, since it's this week, I just hope I feel well enough to enjoy it and take advantage of it. The company I work for is well known for its work in water/wastewater, so we donated generously to the Water for People mission at the same sponsorship level as OUC. My company hand selects a limited number of attendees from our company to represent us at the charity event and network with other like minded individuals in our community.

Taylor is coming into town the same night as the charity event. I am just way too stressed this week, so I gave up on trying to buffer between my mom and her. I am not going to be home when she arrives.  I know it's hard on her when my mom is openly rude and unhospitable, but I just don't have the energy to shelter her from my mom. I should be more excited about Taylor's visit, but the other events of this week along with my mom are stressing me out.  Don't take it personally if my mom doesn't like you, I know I don't take it personally. In fact, I would say I've grown accustomed to my mom not liking me. My mom is also unpredictable, so maybe she'll have an uncharacteristically nice day. My words of advice: avoid conflict, ignore ignorance, kill her with kindness even if its fake. I get to hang with Taylor after work on Friday and after my run on Saturday! I'm going to try to be good company and enjoy our time together. Although, at the moment my head is elsewhere.

On Monday, July 31st, I have an office appointment with my gastro, which I have a feeling will be a pointless appointment. My perspective of my gastro is that he is only good to write prescriptions, not to provide answers or care. I look forward to being disappointed and frustrated after this appointment because healthcare sucks.

Where Have I Been?

Where have I been and what have I been doing? Don't mind me, I've just been in my own little world working hard and enjoying life. I'm still working like crazy and I'm loving it!

In the Spring Fever "It's for the Kids" 10K on March 4th, I was the first female finisher!!! It's the first race I've ever won!!! I won a $50 Track Shack gift certificate!  Dang, I should get faster and win more races! ;)

I met my Team Challenge friends for breakfast one Saturday. It was nice to catch up with everyone! Since I met them back in 2013, they have truly inspired and supported me.  Their understanding is different from my other friends' and family's because they know first hand some of the shit I've been through and vice versa. When they hug me for a half second longer to squeeze a little tighter before letting go, I feel their empathy on another level!

I was fortunate enough to be one of the four people selected to be on a four person bowling team my company sponsored to benefit Leadership Seminole.  It was a one day event and I bowled a 135 in my highest scoring game! It was fun to network with co-workers I don't get to work with often.

I took my Dad to the second session of the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament in Orlando. We saw Xavier vs. Maryland and FSU vs. FGCU.  It was great spending time with him! I should make more of an effort to do more things with him.

I missed placing 3rd in my age group in the Chase the Leprechaun 5K on Friday by 6 seconds.  I can't be mad with 4th in my age group though. I had a side stich in the middle of the race, so I walked for a bit only to realize it was really gas cramps. Once I let out some gas, I felt better and started running again. I hate that gas cramps slowed me down, but I still finished in 29:14, which is a sub 30 minute 5k averaging 9:26 per mile and that is no easy feat!

Taylor's Bridal Shower

This past weekend was a whirlwind. Friday was a half-day Friday at Work, but work is insanely crazy, so I left later than I had planned. If I could have, I would have worked the whole day on Friday and even on Saturday. It sucks heading to South Florida from Sanford because it adds about 45 minutes to my drive time than if I were to leave from Orlando instead. It took me right at four hours to make it down there. During my drive down, I couldn't get a few contracts out of my head because I left things in a bit of chaos.

I pretty much missed Taylor's dress fitting. I got there just time before they left the location of the fitting. Between thinking it started later than it did and leaving late from work, it was pretty much doomed from the start. Before dinner we had to go to the hotel so that I could bring the ice chest with the bridal shower cake in it to the room, which I presumably managed to keep Taylor from seeing it (I'm not completely convinced she didn't sneak a peek because she lost interest in seeing it relatively quickly). The girls unpacked all of the bridal shower stuff Taylor left with me in Orlando to bring. My car is definitely not made for moving a bunch of shit from one place to another.

We had a nice dinner at Olive Garden and Taylor made my day better by buying me two beers! After dinner, I felt much more relaxed and not as stressed. Once we got the flowers for the bridal shower and were back at the hotel, we got in our comfy clothes and started getting to work on decorations, favors, and such. Cybelle brought super fun face masks for our skin that we used right before we went to bed.

My alarm went off on Saturday for me to wake up early and go for a run, but I decided to snooze and skip running since I had a long weekend ahead of me. We got to the venue about two hours early to begin setting up. Somehow everything fell into place just in time. I don't think the cake could have been more perfect! The shower was elegant, lovely, and fun; however, personally, the work that went into it was not very rewarding to me. I know in the end it doesn't matter what I think because it wasn't about me, ultimately it was to celebrate and honor the bride-to-be. Hey, she seemed pleased with the bridal shower, so I'd count that as a success! I'm glad that's behind us. These wedding things are just not my cup of tea.

I left South Florida to head home around 3PM on Saturday. Thankfully, I was home by 6:30PM. I procrastinated on going to bed and when I finally did, I couldn't get to sleep for the life of me.  It was around 10PM when I finally fell asleep. Only to have my alarm go off at 1:30AM on Sunday so that I could go to my volunteer shift at the Disney Princess Half Marathon.

To be continued...

Highlights of February 2017

I'm not sure what I've been preoccupied with that has prevented me from sitting down and blogging this month. In an effort to save time, I'll give you the highlights of February 2017.

I had the best birthday to date! I spent my birthday weekend with Taylor and she made me feel incredibly special. From the thoughtful gifts to the planned surprise celebration, it makes me wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing friend. She got a bunch of my friends together to surprise me at an escape room, which, by the way, we escaped with like fifteen minutes to spare! No thanks to me, of course.

I've had a couple of really fun races (the Warrior Dash and the Quack Attack 5K) with my running friends. Seriously, they are such an inspiring group of people that they build everyone up. I'm not sure if running is fun by itself, or if running is only fun because of them. Anyways, I'm still as addicted as ever. I woke up at 4AM this morning to meet my group for a morning run. I thought the motivation I had to train while training for the NYC Marathon had long since dwindled, yet I'm still setting my alarm for that ungodly hour.

Work is busier than ever! Don't get me wrong, I love it! It just seems like I have more responsibilities than I have time in a day, in a week, in a month...well, you get the picture. It's challenging and I wouldn't trade it for anything at the moment.  The overtime is awesome!

Even though I'm Taylor's Maid of Honor, she has really held my hand and walked me through my responsibilities. Heck, she's helped me with almost everything. However, with just the few things that I've had to do this month to help prepare for her bridal shower, it reinforces my lack of desire to ever have a wedding or shenanigans for myself.  I know I'm lazy and that's probably why it feels like way too much work. I tried really hard to do my best, but I'm actually nervous the cake and cake stand I ordered won't be perfect. What if nobody likes it?  The fact that I think I'm going to like it is not enough.

Run, Camp, Sleep, and Repeat

The Alafia Ragnar Trail Relay was a super fun experience that took me completely out of my comfort zone. First of all, if I wasn't as healthy as I am right now, camping with Crohn's disease would have seriously freaked me out. Thankfully, I am not dealing with any symptoms, so it wasn't an issue. Secondly, even though I was camping with strangers (now I consider them new friends) and sharing a tent with a guy I only met a couple of weeks ago, my social anxiety was nonexistent because I felt welcomed and a part of the team, aka, Sloth Squad!  Lastly, I had never done trail running before and this past weekend I did an extremely difficult mountain bike trail with cliffs, hills that seemed like mountains, and hairpin turns (it felt like I was running in another state) and I even ran a trail at night...in the dark with a head light!  It was an amazing whirlwind of an adventure.

Unfortunately, I am not very good at trail running. I fell a total of four times and bruised my knees like a kid on the playground. I sprained my ankle on my first trail run. Somehow I managed to push through the pain and finish strong. I went straight to the first aid tent and had the medic tape my ankle tightly to limit its range of motion and offer support so that I could continue the relay. We had a onesie party at camp, porta potties became a way of life, and we became a part of the Ragnarian family!

I carpooled to the relay with two people on my team, The Sloth Squad. We left early on Saturday after we were finished with our legs of the race because we had to get back to Orlando while the rest of our team finished their last legs of the relay. Our team captain picked up our medals when they were done and I'm excited to get it from him Tuesday night at Ten10 Run Club.

I had to get back to Orlando to attend my company's holiday party. It was kind of a rush to get cleaned up from camping and running in order to be presentable at the semi formal event. I'm really glad my sister, Kelly, went with me as my plus one. We enjoyed the cocktail hour before the grand ballroom opened at the Orlando World Center Marriott. I introduced Kelly to co-workers, most of which were executive managers because that's who I work closest with. She got to meet George Smith, the co-founder of the company, which was neat. The International/Entertainment VP told Kelly and Mr. Smith about the Owner Contracts I'm working on for him. The party had a live band, a dance floor, a delicious buffet, and an open bar. I lost count of how many jack and cokes I enjoyed. I had an interesting conversation with our W/WW (water/wastewater) VP about running and triathlons. We are both typically quiet, but the alcohol made chatting more natural for both of us. lol. My supervisor even gossiped about office drama. I stayed seated for most of the night because my ankle was swollen and it hurt to walk, so walked with a limp. By the end of the night, I went to dance with a lady who asked me to go on the dance floor earlier. She danced all night long with her husband and others and was constantly pulling folks up on the dance floor with her. She introduced me to a guy on the dance floor and we danced together for a couple of songs. He twirled me!!! Seriously, I was twirled and I wasn't sure I was twirling correctly, but it was fun! I likely wasn't very graceful with my bum ankle though... not that I would have been more graceful without a bum ankle. Afterwards, Kelly said "Well, he was hot!".

The last few days have been a blast with very little sleep, which means it's time for a nap!

Who Am I?

When I was invited to a divisional party after work tonight, I didn't even hesitate to RSVP. The party was at Gators Dockside in Lake Mary. It was super nice of the Water/Wastewater division to invite me even though I'm not technically a part of their division. I was there from the beginning to end, 4PM - 7PM. That's right, I didn't just eat and leave. I socialized and I actually enjoyed it!  I would say about 50 people from the office showed up to enjoy free wings and beer.

I have been known to be socially awkward and quiet at times. However, I never once felt awkward or quiet tonight. So what were my go to topics of conversation? The NYC Marathon, of course. Oh yeah, and clowning was another popular topic. I even showed my clown skit graduation video to one of the VP's who found it extremely amusing. He didn't realize the clown picture at my desk was me. It was also fun hanging out with my supervisor whose favorite topic of conversation was her cats. She must have enjoyed hanging out with me too because she invited me to happy hour next time a few ladies in the office go out.

Life is Amazing

Life is absolutely amazing at this moment in time!  I've been feeling better than I have in over a decade! Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself. It's been a while since I've posted, so I'll give an update on life.

Work:
I am really enjoying my job! Even though I'm insanely busy, it's giving me plenty of opportunities to learn. Last week, I worked closely with one of our VPs and afterwards he sent an e-mail telling me I did a great job and thanking me for my hard work... oh, and he copied our CEO on that e-mail. I felt appreciated and proud to know I was praised by executive management! I took my first exam for my C.R.I.S. (Construction Risk and Insurance Specialist) certification and scored 98%. Look out world, I'm still smart!  This first course was a prep course to prepare me for the 5 book curriculum to get certified. 5 more exams to go and I'll be C.R.I.S. certified! I recently got a nice bonus. What didn't go to Uncle Sam or my 401K, I'm using for my NYC trip fund. I am also enjoying having a friend at work, my cubical neighbor! She might be signing up for a 5K before the end of the year and I told her I'd run it with her! Our schedules are syncing up. It's nice to have someone to eat chocolate with at the same time of the month.

Running:
When I focus on how much further I have to go, sometimes it seems impossible and I wonder how I ever did this when I didn't feel as well as I have been feeling. When I focus on how far I have come, I feel strong and satisfied with my efforts. It's rough waking up at 3:45am on Tuesdays and Thursdays to run with MarathonFest, but it's worth it because it's cooler in the mornings and they push me to be a better runner. I recently ran a sub nine minute mile! My running group is the best! Runners in general are a good group of people. I've struggled getting through some of the long runs in the heat, but yesterday I ran 12 miles and it actually felt easy. After my run yesterday, I could tell I'm getting stronger.  Do you remember a few weeks back when 12 miles was too difficult, so I stopped after 9 miles? Yeah, well I'm stronger than before!  Heck, last night I was running around outside with Savanna. Obviously, I wasn't sore from running 12 miles which is a beautiful thing.

Me:
I'm doing well! I haven't been having any pain or weird bowel habits. *knock on wood* It's like I'm a normal human being. A few weeks ago I met Taylor in Sarasota for the weekend. I love the friendship that we have! She mentioned she'd like me to make time to write more. I've been making a point to take some time every week to sit down and write, plot, or develop characters. Typically, I don't talk much about my writing because I feel it's personal and I'm not ready to be criticized. Heck, I still keep this blog hidden from most of the people I know.  One day I slipped when my supervisor asked what I did the previous night. She has this way of making me talk. I told her I wrote most of night. Naturally, she asked me questions about what I was writing. First I vaguely said I was attempting to write a novel. She then asked if it was a romance novel. I couldn't help but laugh out loud and clarified that the genre I'm writing about is fantasy. It's about magical creatures.  Now she's been asking me how my novel is going like it's no big deal. I give her as little details as possible, but honestly I think it helps to hold me accountable to keep writing.

2016 Annual State of the Business Meeting

I attended my company's Annual State of the Business Meeting today. My favorite part was finally being able to put faces with names. The meeting was very insightful about the overall health and direction of the company. I am so proud to work for this amazing company!  Everyone in attendance received sunglasses with our logo on them because "the future's so bright" for us.

I can't get over how healthy I am!

Since I had to go onstage with my entire department, I decided to wear a dress. Obviously, that's a big deal to me because dresses aren't my favorite thing. I even wore baby heels!  By some miracle I didn't fall or trip onstage while I was being introduced. My sister, Kelly, took pictures to document the rare moment in time that I actually looked presentable. Now I have a new LinkedIn profile picture. By the way, I don't remember if I mentioned that I have business cards now! Go professional me!!!

Yes, Take a Cookie for Your Brother

While I was in line to get a cookie at Savanna's VPK graduation tonight a little boy asked me if he could take a cookie for his brother. I nodded my head and confidently told him, "Yes!"

My supervisor's mother passed away last week and my supervisor has been out of the office since last Wednesday. She'll be returning on Monday. I have just a little over two months of experience and I've been on my own at work. Executives have been coming to me for my input and comments on contracts and markups. Project Managers and Project Assistants have been looking to me to lead negotiations. Our vendors have been contacting me with questions and having me manage the process to get mutually agreeable contracts executed. Usually, I tell my supervisor my opinion on these things and ask her questions to better understand the issues and she tells me if I'm right or wrong, and then she explains our company's stance on the topic to me. This is how I've been learning in this position. Since she's not there, there's no one to tell me if I'm right or not. Don't get me wrong, I love the excitement of my job; however, I can't help but feel like I did when I told that kid he can take a cookie for his brother. Who am I to tell you what to do?  People are looking to me for answers, guidance, and solutions. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as telling them they can take a cookie for their brother. I'm doing my best and making, what I believe to be, thoughtful business decisions. Only time will tell if I've been doing a good job or not.

Sink or swim
Pass or fail
Get fired or get a raise

Work Gossip

Do any of you remember that captivating guy at the Corporate 5K I blogged about a few weeks back?  Well, last week, after I was finishing a contract with my supervisor, she asked, "Did you know someone likes you?"  Of course, I was confused because it's probably extremely difficult for anyone not to like me.

She informed me that someone in the office is attracted to me. He came downstairs looking for me the morning I was out of the office for my Remicade infusion and asked my supervisor about me. It's peculiar that he hasn't tried to track me down since.

I teased Taylor with this information knowing she would want more details than I have acquired and knowing I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a co-worker. She raised a few valid questions. Do I avoid relationships because I'm scared of falling in love? "Do I think I deserve to find love? 

Even though it makes me feel good that someone finds me attractive, I do avoid relationships. Commitment scares the shit out of me. I can barely handle the responsibility of taking care of myself, so I can't imagine, nor do I desire, the responsibility it takes to take care of a relationship. Just thinking about the task of loving someone freaks me out. What if I get tired?I've never even been in love, so I probably don't fully understand the energy it takes; however, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Perhaps I'm selfish, but I'm quite happy with myself.

I feel undeserving of the kind of love I would be interested in. I would need someone willing and able to care for me more than I  can offer in return and that's not a life I feel I can ask anyone to live. I wouldn't want typical wife/girlfriend duties to be solely my own. Responsibilities shall be shared and interchangeable. What guy is going to be okay with that?

A Faster Gear

It's been a busy week.

Last Monday, I had dinner with my old friend, Brittany. She's not that old, our friendship dates back to the good ole days of childhood though. It's always great catching up and getting her perspective on this thing called life. Britt, is one of my biggest motivators and supporters and her gentle advice helped to pull me out of my last depression. I love you, Britt!

Last Tuesday, I received my first Remicade infusion, so I worked late throughout the week to make up lost time so that I wouldn't have to use vacation time. After working a few nine hour days last week, I wondered how I survived 12 hour work days when I worked at Mazda. I only managed to get in one four mile run during the week, but I kicked ass and averaged an 11:07 minute per mile pace. That's about the pace I was running before my surgery! Hell yeah!

Friday night, my friend, Veronica, from Texas arrived around 11pm. Normally, I would be fast asleep at that time. Especially, considering I planned to wake up at 6:15am to start my 6 mile run before the sun had a chance to heat things up. I didn't go to bed until around 1am, but I didn't let lack of sleep be an excuse to push back my 6 mile training run. When I started my 6 mile run, I felt my body kick into a faster gear. After two miles, my sister, Kim, joined me on rollerblades to keep me company. I told her I may have went out too fast in the beginning and I might start slowing down, but I was able to maintain that faster gear until mile 5 when I slowed down only to find the faster gear again for mile 6. I ran 6 miles in one hour and five minutes! My average pace was 10:51 minutes per mile.  I didn't take any walk breaks and every other mile I took a quick 10-15 second break to hydrate. It felt amazing! In fact, I'm still on a runner's high from it. How the heck do I get faster the farther I run?

I went to the MarathonFest info session at Track Shack to learn more about the training program. I was able to talk one on one with the program director. I showed her my split times for my six mile run and she told me that would place me in the 4:30-4:45 pace group, which is a 9:45-11:00 minutes per mile. I didn't realize I was that fast. I registered for MarathonFest. It starts the beginning of June and I'm hoping I'll be able to train to finish NYC in less than 5 hours. PR, here I come!

I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with Veronica, her mom, my sisters, and my mom. I made breakfast for everyone on Mother's day, which is a huge feat for me. I wanted to quit, but I managed to finish the pancakes and bacon. We also went to Sak comedy for Mother's Day. It takes a lot out of me to be that social for that lengh of time. It's been fun to visit with them; however, I am in dire need for a long nap.

Next time, I'll blog about work gossip. (this is my reminder)

I Made a New Friend

Anyone one who knows me probably knows that I don't make friends easily. Mostly because it usually takes a lot of work to build a new friendship. These are my same sentiments about dating as well. I just don't have the energy for it.  My friends are not high maintenance (well, my bestie could be considered high maintenance, but she maintains herself). This is awesome because my friends and I can go for periods of time without communicating or without hanging out and our friendship won't falter. 

When building a new friendship, I never know the appropriate time to bring up Crohn's. Whether I like it or not, Crohn's has a huge impact on my life. It's stressful to conceal it until I build enough trust to feel comfortable discussing it with someone new in my life. I've seen enough people walk away because they couldn't handle it. As if they are the ones dealing with this shitty disease, not me. Some people think my whole existence is disgusting. In which case, I will not pursue a friendship/relationship. Once I consider you a friend, all bets are off and you might end up wishing I wouldn't trust you enough to share so many details.

I was talking with my cubicle neighbor, Ashleigh, at work and she mentioned her Mom has Ulcerative Colitis, which is another form of IBD. I told Ashleigh I know what UC is because I have Crohn's disease and I inquired about what medicine her Mom takes. Next week, Ashleigh and I made plans to bring our walking shoes to walk laps inside the mall during our lunch hour and talk about life. She even has some other stomach issues of her own that she shared with me. She became my friend the moment we mutually agreed that we could fart in front of each other. This is like an unrealistic dream come true.

I think I'm in the right place at the right time and surrounded with awesome people in my life.

Humor, Medicine, Running, and SeaWorld

When I entered the family room, I nodded my head and raised my hand with anticipation of praise as I announced, "Thank you, thank you! I trimmed my own toenails." My dad smiled wide with pride and told me to get a sticker for my sticker book. Being an adult is hard.

In regards to my health, I don't feel qualified to make treatment decisions. The doctor tells me a list of options and then tells me to choose. In the moment, I may think I made a solid decision. However, after pondering my selection, I wonder what the hell I'm doing?  When did a biological medicine being infused into my vein become the best choice?  According to my nurse advocate, my insurance approved Remicade, but my co-pay is really high (she didn't tell me the amount of the co-pay). She will be mailing me paperwork for Remistart, which is a patient rebate program to help with co-pays. Eligible patients only pay $5.00 per infusion. I went ahead and scheduled my loading doses for May 3rd, May 17th, and June 14th. After the loading doses, infusions will be scheduled every eight weeks. The bad news is that the infusions take two and half to three hours and my nurse advocate only administers infusions Tuesday mornings or Friday mornings at her office in Ocoee, which is nowhere close to Sanford where I work. That means more time I have to "waste" taking off of work for my health.  I'm going to be lucky if I have enough time off left in November for the NYC marathon. Anyways, when I made the appointments, I didn't know where Ocoee was located. I'm going to call her tomorrow to see if I can request a location closer to Sanford. Either way, I'm going to have to talk to my supervisor to let her know I'll be needing more time off.  Hopefully, she'll still be understanding. If I do keep my Remicade infusion appointment on May 3rd, I will not have to do any more Cimzia injections.

My colorectal specialist told me to take two weeks to recover from what ended up not being as serious as we thought going into it. Technically, I should probably wait until my follow up appointment on the 29th or call her office to get approval to start exercising again. But you know me, I do what I want. I walked two miles on Monday to prove to concerned family members I really am ready to get moving again. On Tuesday, I ran one mile with my sister, Kelly, and then we walked another two miles. It felt good. I'm a little sore, but I'm excited to start training again.

My company is hosting a picnic for Employee Appreciation at SeaWorld this Saturday. I was allowed to RSVP for myself and one guest, so Taylor is coming into town to be my guest. After the picnic at Sea Harbor Pavilion, my company paid for everyone's ticket into the park. Bonus: For only $20 I can update the ticket to a fun card for the rest of the year! They've already distributed the free parking ticket. I'm excited because I haven't been to SeaWorld in forever!

Thanks, Universe, for Your Impeccable Timing

I ran the IOA Corporate 5K today with Wharton-Smith. Most of the employees got to our tent area pretty early so that we could find parking. It was great running into friends and meeting other employees. I got to talking to one of the guys from work. I've never had the friendly back and forth banter with a stranger like I had with this guy.  He told me a short story about his name and I told him a shorter story about my name. He made a funny comment about something and I said, "Whatever floats your swan boat." You should have seen him laugh. (We were at Lake Eola, so the swan boat comment wasn't quite as cheesy as it sounds... or maybe it was. haha)  This banter went on for a while until I said I was going to make my way to the start line and he followed me. As the race started he shrieked with excitement and I joined in with a high pitched "WHOO!" In that moment, his gaze was captivating.  I lost the witty co-worker in the crowd of 20K people once the race started. It's hard to explain. His excitement for the race was contagious.  It was innocent and fun. However, afterward I thought: The universe's impeccable timing decided a week before I get ass surgery is the time to meet a guy. STUPID!

I ran a decent 5K considering the week I've had. I finished in 34.12 and my company gave all of their employees that finished a Fitbit. I wish I felt better to stick around for the after party, but the antibiotics I'm taking had me feeling nauseous. After getting my Fitbit, I went back to the finish line for a little while before leaving. Finish lines are so inspiring!

The Unthinkable Happened

I had been feeling great for a while and it gave me confidence to start announcing how well I was doing... and then Tuesday happened. I started feeling pain between my down below cheeks. By the time I got home and mustered up the courage to grab a mirror to help me see what was going on, I had an unmistakable abscess. I felt more frustrated than concerned because I don't have time to be dealing with this shit. I want to be healthy to run. I want to be healthy to put my best foot forward at work. Hell, I just want to be healthy so that I can live my life pain free.

I tried to get my gastro or colorectal doctors to prescribe me antibiotics, but they guided me to make an appointment with my gastro first. On Wednesday, I knew I had to make an appointment quickly before my absscess got any worse. That meant I also had to request off of work less than two full weeks into my new position. Requesting off of work for health reasons stresses me out because it's often on short notice. I never wanted to have the difficult conversation with my employer describing my condition, Crohn's disease. It wasn't a possibility. I wouldn't even consider it.  I should write another post describing my motives behind my decision not to disclose my health issues with co-workers and supervisors.

Anyway, the unthinkable happened on Wednesday when I requested off for my doctor's appointment today. I told my supervisor that I needed to take some personal time and she was easy going about it. I apologized for the short notice and mentioned that if she needs to know more info, I would tell her. So, being a talkative gal she chimed right in and said, "Well, now you've peaked my interest. What more is there to know?" I pretty much wanted to crawl into hole and swallow my tongue. I closed her office door and proceeded to tell her I have Crohn's disease. I explained what Crohn's is and then she asked a few personal questions, but it was too late to shut up. She was understanding and supportive. The most impressive thing though was that I didn't cry at all during the conversation. I don't know why I usually get emotional when I have to talk about it, but not this time. It was like an out of body experience. When I walked out of her office, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Even today, she asked me more questions about it. 

Bring on the antibiotics: Flagyl and Cipro! I'll be feeling like shit for the next ten to fourteen days just so that I can feel better. I will likely poop myself before it's over!!!

A New Chapter Professionally

Tomorrow will mark one month since the Contract / Risk Specialist opportunity came my way. If I could have looked through binoculars into the future, I'm not sure I would have had the guts to envision where I am today.  Even though my official start date for pay rate purposes is Monday, I trained with my new supervisor again today and I will train with her again tomorrow. I finally got the offer/transfer letter from HR and signed it, so it's really official! This is a huge opportunity I have in front of me and I am extremely thankfully that my new supervisor and Wharton-Smith want to invest their time and money in me. There's no doubt it will be challenging, but that's part of what makes it appealing.

I wrote my payroll supervisor a thank you note for being an amazing supervisor.  It was sad turning over all of my payroll access (passwords, key cards, keys). I am super thankful she supported me during this transition to the extent of coming in really early and staying really late in order to allow me to transfer quickly. Seriously, she needs a cape with a dollar sign on it. I'm glad I have someone like her in my corner.