This is What I Wanted

The ostomy reversal surgery took about an hour and half on Wednesday, February 28, 2018. It went well and I'm glad to finally have it behind me. My mom went down to the Cleveland Clinic with me to help me again. Even though I hate needing her help, I am grateful for her support.  Taylor was there on surgery day and visited me again the day after surgery. She told me about all of her upcoming plans and it was a good escape for me. My Team Challenge friend, Bonnie, stopped by to visit me the day after surgery, too.

I basically just stayed in the hospital until I pooped. I pooped late on Friday, March 2nd and I was discharged Saturday, March 3rd. When I pooped for the first time out of my original asshole after surgery, I cried. Okay, I sobbed like crazy in the hospital room by myself.  It was the most emotional and happiest shit I have ever taken in my life. It may have been the least impressive shit in the history of mankind, but it was beautiful to me.

Recovery is going well for the most part. Things are progressing nicely. I've been experiencing occasional stomach aches, but they haven't been lasting for too long.  I can sit up from my bed without pushing myself up using my arms. I can bend over and tie my own shoes. I've been walking and working out on an elliptical. I even jogged today for the first time in nearly four months! At times my bowel movements are erratic, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. I've shit my pants more times in the past few weeks than I have in the past couple of years. Of course, the struggles fuck with me sometimes. When it's hard, I remind myself that this is what I wanted. I didn't want a permanent ostomy. I want to poop out of my first ass even if that means it's messy and I can't trust my bowels sometimes. Should I wear depends when I leave the house or should I risk shitting my pants in public?  I think about bathrooms, flatulence, and bowel movements all the time.  At first, the pain took my breath away whenever I sat up or stood up and walked. Thankfully, the pain has decreased significantly over the past few weeks and I'm able to move pain free now. I think I experienced more severe pain from the ostomy reversal surgery than I did from the bowel resection surgery. Since pain medicine causes constipation, I avoided pain meds after surgery day because I knew I couldn't be discharged unless I pooped. I chose to be in pain to give myself a better chance to poop and get out of there.

The past few months feel like they were an out of body experience and it feels weird to be on the other side both surgeries. As if I've detached myself from it in a way. I've been waiting for this battle with Crohn's to break me physically, mentally, or otherwise. I've been waiting for it to change who I am. It hasn't really broken me or changed me this time though. I've somehow managed to bounce back quickly whenever the current struggles fuck with me. My battle with Crohn's in 2012 seemed more difficult to deal with and definitely broke and changed me more than this current battle. Hell, even my battle with Crohn's in 2014/2015 seemed to break me and change me more than this one and it's likely because I have felt a lot sicker in the past than I have recently. I knew going into the first surgery that if I had to pick a time in my life for this to happen, this is it. I think being in shape and somewhat healthy leading into it as well as having the support of my family, friends, and employer helped me get through this as well as I have.

I had my first infusion back on Remicade on Thursday, March 15, 2018. They pre-medicated me with Benadryl and steroids because the risk of an allergic reaction is higher since I was off of Remicade for over six months. When the Benadryl hit my veins, I took a nap.  Now that I'm in full recovery mode and back on the magic juice, I'm going to start making my comeback!