Do any of you remember that captivating guy at the Corporate 5K I blogged about a few weeks back? Well, last week, after I was finishing a contract with my supervisor, she asked, "Did you know someone likes you?" Of course, I was confused because it's probably extremely difficult for anyone not to like me.
She informed me that someone in the office is attracted to me. He came downstairs looking for me the morning I was out of the office for my Remicade infusion and asked my supervisor about me. It's peculiar that he hasn't tried to track me down since.
I teased Taylor with this information knowing she would want more details than I have acquired and knowing I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a co-worker. She raised a few valid questions. Do I avoid relationships because I'm scared of falling in love? "Do I think I deserve to find love?
Even though it makes me feel good that someone finds me attractive, I do avoid relationships. Commitment scares the shit out of me. I can barely handle the responsibility of taking care of myself, so I can't imagine, nor do I desire, the responsibility it takes to take care of a relationship. Just thinking about the task of loving someone freaks me out. What if I get tired?I've never even been in love, so I probably don't fully understand the energy it takes; however, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Perhaps I'm selfish, but I'm quite happy with myself.
I feel undeserving of the kind of love I would be interested in. I would need someone willing and able to care for me more than I can offer in return and that's not a life I feel I can ask anyone to live. I wouldn't want typical wife/girlfriend duties to be solely my own. Responsibilities shall be shared and interchangeable. What guy is going to be okay with that?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
"I Find Myself in Love Racing the Earth"
I have a confession: I'm in love. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop talking about it. I can't get this cheesy grin off my face. Running has captivated me all over again! It's not easy, but I don't mind working hard and pushing the wall that I've currently been facing after mile three. I can't wait to push that sucker to mile 23 and beyond. Heck, I started incorporating speed work into my training plan for fun! Soon I'll be adding hill repeats because that's really the best breakfast this side of the Mississippi.
I've been noticing the little things during my runs. The lone yellow flower at the top of the bush by a mailbox. The smell of fresh laundry. My shadow doing its best to keep up. Outside of my speed workouts, I haven't been focusing on speed. Rather, I've been focusing on going as slow as it takes to eliminate the desire for intervals. In fact, I ran four miles on Sunday without intervals. Surprisingly, even though I've missed a couple weeks of training, I'm still on track for my scheduled four mile run this weekend. Obviously, it would be easier if I hadn't missed any runs, but I'm so happy I'm not behind schedule.
This Friday is half-day Friday at work. After my Doctor's appointment, I'm heading down South to visit Taylor. I have two runs planned while I'm down there. Saturday morning, I'm meeting one or two ladies with the South Florida Team Challenge chapter at Hollywood Beach for a run/walk on the beach. I met them when I ran the Napa to Sonoma half marathon with Team Challenge in 2013 (Geez has it really been that long ago?). They're super awesome and I hope to pick their brains about Remicade. Sunday morning, Taylor will be taking me to a park around the area to get in more miles. Hopefully, these runs will help me to keep up with my training schedule in future weeks as the miles start to increase.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever let running slip away. I feel alive when I run. This time around I just need this relationship to last until November 6th.
I've been noticing the little things during my runs. The lone yellow flower at the top of the bush by a mailbox. The smell of fresh laundry. My shadow doing its best to keep up. Outside of my speed workouts, I haven't been focusing on speed. Rather, I've been focusing on going as slow as it takes to eliminate the desire for intervals. In fact, I ran four miles on Sunday without intervals. Surprisingly, even though I've missed a couple weeks of training, I'm still on track for my scheduled four mile run this weekend. Obviously, it would be easier if I hadn't missed any runs, but I'm so happy I'm not behind schedule.
This Friday is half-day Friday at work. After my Doctor's appointment, I'm heading down South to visit Taylor. I have two runs planned while I'm down there. Saturday morning, I'm meeting one or two ladies with the South Florida Team Challenge chapter at Hollywood Beach for a run/walk on the beach. I met them when I ran the Napa to Sonoma half marathon with Team Challenge in 2013 (Geez has it really been that long ago?). They're super awesome and I hope to pick their brains about Remicade. Sunday morning, Taylor will be taking me to a park around the area to get in more miles. Hopefully, these runs will help me to keep up with my training schedule in future weeks as the miles start to increase.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever let running slip away. I feel alive when I run. This time around I just need this relationship to last until November 6th.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
One of Those Moods
Do you ever get into one of those moods where everything anybody does just pisses you off, and then you try to convince yourself that you don't give a shit? I found myself in that mood today.
I like to think that typically I am a very easy going person. Most of the time, I really don't give a shit. That's how I usually keep my zen. I rarely find myself angry. When I do get angry though, it's always with my family. My first go to strategy is to get quiet because I absolutely hate conflict. So, I avoid it if I can by not giving a shit. If you're looking for a reaction, you are not likely to get one from me. It's taken years of practice, but I have mastered the art of knowing when to keep my mouth shut. However, I am willing to change my strategy if the circumstances warrant it. Trust me, once I open my mouth I won't be shutting it anytime soon. That's a can of worms you probably don't want to open. Keep me out of petty games and grow up. We're family, people! Love or ignore; don't hate.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
I like to think that typically I am a very easy going person. Most of the time, I really don't give a shit. That's how I usually keep my zen. I rarely find myself angry. When I do get angry though, it's always with my family. My first go to strategy is to get quiet because I absolutely hate conflict. So, I avoid it if I can by not giving a shit. If you're looking for a reaction, you are not likely to get one from me. It's taken years of practice, but I have mastered the art of knowing when to keep my mouth shut. However, I am willing to change my strategy if the circumstances warrant it. Trust me, once I open my mouth I won't be shutting it anytime soon. That's a can of worms you probably don't want to open. Keep me out of petty games and grow up. We're family, people! Love or ignore; don't hate.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Monday, May 4, 2015
I Won The Lottery!!!
I won two extra tickets from the extra graduation ticket lottery at UCF! Sadly, I'm more excited than my sister, Leigha, because now she gets to attend my graduation! I'm just stoked she's actually able to join my whole family to witness this huge accomplishment. I could offer the second extra ticket I won to family or a friend, but I think I'm going to keep it as a souvenir instead. Does that make me a bad person?
Today, I thanked Leigha for pissing me off years ago because that led me to go to college. So, without her I wouldn't have found the success I'll be celebrating this weekend. Thanks to her I know the Hell of finals week. It's disappointingly ironic that the sole reason I started going to college was to prove to Leigha that I could do things in life without her. Fast forward to today and I do practically everything in life without her. We really don't have many common interests and both of us are guilty of not compromising. I struggle to relate with her. Although our relationship isn't near as horrible as it once was, it's just non-existent. Sometimes I miss the relationship we used to share. I think that's why it's important to me that she's able to come to my graduation. After all, I wouldn't have made it to college without her.
Today, I thanked Leigha for pissing me off years ago because that led me to go to college. So, without her I wouldn't have found the success I'll be celebrating this weekend. Thanks to her I know the Hell of finals week. It's disappointingly ironic that the sole reason I started going to college was to prove to Leigha that I could do things in life without her. Fast forward to today and I do practically everything in life without her. We really don't have many common interests and both of us are guilty of not compromising. I struggle to relate with her. Although our relationship isn't near as horrible as it once was, it's just non-existent. Sometimes I miss the relationship we used to share. I think that's why it's important to me that she's able to come to my graduation. After all, I wouldn't have made it to college without her.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Unnecessary Stress
It has been unnecessarily stressful whenever my best friend, Taylor, comes to visit since I've moved back in with my parents. In the past, for whatever reason my mom and Taylor openly dislike each other. It was no secret; there was no hiding it. Obviously, I know Taylor as being an outstanding young woman with great drive and motivation. She challenges me in life and I love her for it! I trust her completely! Certainly, I know my mom as being someone I can depend on. Even though we've gone through phases of disagreements and periods of dislike, I have and will always love my mom.
Since getting my new job and having to work weekends, my free time is very slim. So, when Taylor comes to town it's difficult for me to be constantly available to be with her 24/7 while she is visiting. My parents (my mom in particular) have some beef with Taylor being at the house when I'm not home. My mom seriously tried to get me to kick Taylor out of the house this morning when I left for work at 8am. Taylor wasn't able to check into her hotel for the wedding she's in town for until 3pm. My mom was going to be home, so I didn't understand why Taylor couldn't sleep in and hang in my room until she was ready to leave. I somehow managed to calmly explain to my mom the stress the situation puts me through. The tension between my mom and Taylor and feeling responsible to keep them separated stresses me out like nothing I've ever experienced before. I always consider getting a hotel whenever Taylor visits, but I usually incorrectly think I can handle it.
After trying to calmly explain the unnecessary stress (which got my mom's attention because she knows stress can be a trigger for a Crohn's flare), my mom offered to let Taylor sleep in and then asked if she could take Taylor to lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I thought I was stressed before, that was nothing compared to how much I over analyzed how horribly the two of them having lunch together could go. I had to leave for work, Taylor said she would also like to have lunch with my mom, and I had no time to talk them out of it. Thankfully, once I got to work I had a team meeting that cleared my head and then I was busy pricing cars and selling a 2015 CX-5 to a customer.
Out of sight, out of mind.... at least I tried to put the two of them having lunch together, unsupervised, out of my thoughts. Who would win in battle? Shit, am I obligated to be Switzerland? I got a text from Taylor that said, "We had fun *smiley face emoticon*". I haven't had a chance to talk to Taylor to get her point of view yet. However, even my mom said it went well! Holy fuck nuggets, they actually enjoyed lunch together! I can't even explain how happy this makes me.
Taylor's family always makes me feel like part of their family and I always feel disappointed that she doesn't get to feel that way about my family. This was a huge step in the right direction. It was like a ton of bricks lifting off of me. Super thankful for my mom being willing to make the first move and ask to take Taylor to lunch and super thankful for Taylor being willing to go.
Since getting my new job and having to work weekends, my free time is very slim. So, when Taylor comes to town it's difficult for me to be constantly available to be with her 24/7 while she is visiting. My parents (my mom in particular) have some beef with Taylor being at the house when I'm not home. My mom seriously tried to get me to kick Taylor out of the house this morning when I left for work at 8am. Taylor wasn't able to check into her hotel for the wedding she's in town for until 3pm. My mom was going to be home, so I didn't understand why Taylor couldn't sleep in and hang in my room until she was ready to leave. I somehow managed to calmly explain to my mom the stress the situation puts me through. The tension between my mom and Taylor and feeling responsible to keep them separated stresses me out like nothing I've ever experienced before. I always consider getting a hotel whenever Taylor visits, but I usually incorrectly think I can handle it.
After trying to calmly explain the unnecessary stress (which got my mom's attention because she knows stress can be a trigger for a Crohn's flare), my mom offered to let Taylor sleep in and then asked if she could take Taylor to lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I thought I was stressed before, that was nothing compared to how much I over analyzed how horribly the two of them having lunch together could go. I had to leave for work, Taylor said she would also like to have lunch with my mom, and I had no time to talk them out of it. Thankfully, once I got to work I had a team meeting that cleared my head and then I was busy pricing cars and selling a 2015 CX-5 to a customer.
Out of sight, out of mind.... at least I tried to put the two of them having lunch together, unsupervised, out of my thoughts. Who would win in battle? Shit, am I obligated to be Switzerland? I got a text from Taylor that said, "We had fun *smiley face emoticon*". I haven't had a chance to talk to Taylor to get her point of view yet. However, even my mom said it went well! Holy fuck nuggets, they actually enjoyed lunch together! I can't even explain how happy this makes me.
Taylor's family always makes me feel like part of their family and I always feel disappointed that she doesn't get to feel that way about my family. This was a huge step in the right direction. It was like a ton of bricks lifting off of me. Super thankful for my mom being willing to make the first move and ask to take Taylor to lunch and super thankful for Taylor being willing to go.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Chronically Single
Surprise, Valentine's Day was yesterday! Honestly, it has never been a particularly special day for me. I had a team meeting with my Capstone group, which consists of four other girls and myself. Most of whom seemed super excited to leave the meeting to see what their significant others got them. I was excited because I actually had the day off from work, which meant that a nap was in my future! Two of them talked, one about her husband and the other about her boyfriend, and I forced a smile and listened to the nonsense.
Unfortunately, no one asked about my plans after the meeting, so I didn't get to brag about my upcoming nap. Naps are special to me. It's probably for the best. In my experience, it is usually difficult for others to believe that I have gone 27 years of my life without ever having been in a serious relationship. Sure, I've dated, but it's exhausting and bad for my immune system. I'm most excited about seeing my bestie this weekend. Sometimes I think I'd make a good nun.
Yes, I'm chronically single. I'm still not looking for a relationship. It's just not something I want in my life right now. I do evaluate my attitude about the idea of a relationship a couple times a year. Will I ever be ready? Will it ever be something I crave? Most of the time it boils down to me not being able to see the value of being in a relationship. I fail to see the benefits. I simply don't want to waste my time. Actually, I do not have a lot of extra time on my hands anyway. I'd rather spend the extra time I do have on hobbies, napping and catching up with my current friends (most of which I don't have time to have face to face conversations with). If I were better at time management, would I be more interested in having a relationship? I doubt it.
Unfortunately, no one asked about my plans after the meeting, so I didn't get to brag about my upcoming nap. Naps are special to me. It's probably for the best. In my experience, it is usually difficult for others to believe that I have gone 27 years of my life without ever having been in a serious relationship. Sure, I've dated, but it's exhausting and bad for my immune system. I'm most excited about seeing my bestie this weekend. Sometimes I think I'd make a good nun.
Yes, I'm chronically single. I'm still not looking for a relationship. It's just not something I want in my life right now. I do evaluate my attitude about the idea of a relationship a couple times a year. Will I ever be ready? Will it ever be something I crave? Most of the time it boils down to me not being able to see the value of being in a relationship. I fail to see the benefits. I simply don't want to waste my time. Actually, I do not have a lot of extra time on my hands anyway. I'd rather spend the extra time I do have on hobbies, napping and catching up with my current friends (most of which I don't have time to have face to face conversations with). If I were better at time management, would I be more interested in having a relationship? I doubt it.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Being Worth Knowing
Am I worth knowing? Yes! Perhaps my value slightly varies in different relationships, but I hope some core values are similar. Here's a short list of benefits I think I give to the lucky few that know me.
What makes me worth knowing? What makes me worthy of knowing you? Are the answers to these two questions similar?
- I try to be positive and uplifting. I will never intentionally bring you down.
- I'm a great encourager and motivator, so share your goals, dreams and fears with me.
- I'm outgoing, love trying new things, and I'm versatile in that I'm always down for staying in.
- I'm actually a great, non-judgmental listener. Let me be your solutions partner.
- I'm dependable. You can count on me.
- I'm honest and strive to act with integrity. You won't be ashamed to know me.
- I love sharing my sense of humor and craziness.
- I need you! I'm interested in you. I want to know you. Plus, I have problems of my own and I need others to reciprocate the support and interest.
What makes me worth knowing? What makes me worthy of knowing you? Are the answers to these two questions similar?
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I Don't Know What Being in Love Means
Last night, I saw the movie Endless Love. Trust me, I'd rather have seen The Lego Movie. Anyhow, it got me thinking that I have never been in love. I have no doubt that my family and friends know that I love them. However, I have never fallen in love, nor has any fellow fallen in love with me. Honestly, I've never given this much thought. So, these are my unfiltered thoughts on the subject. This confession would probably make most girls uneasy. I've known girls so uncomfortable with being single that they would rather be in an unhealthy relationship. That's not me. I'd rather be unhealthy and single.
I have thought very little about ever falling in love. I'm definitely not a hopeless romantic. I don't have some dream to get married and live happily ever after. In fact, when I went digging to see what I have written on the subject, I found: "Love lives and love dies," "Whatever love is it's dead" and "I don't know what love means," written in blood red ink when I was seventeen. I want to like the idea of falling in love, but I find it difficult to believe in it. I think most of my skepticism comes from my view on the relationships my friends and family have with their lovers. Obviously, this is only from my point of view which may be completely skewed from reality. I dare to say that I don't believe some of the married people I know are in love. Isn't that the whole point of marriage? Why would I want that? Sure, they probably love each other, but I don't think they're in love. There's a difference, right? I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but judging through the opened one isn't very convincing that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world. Other married folks who are possibly in love have some circumstances in their relationships that make them seem stuck in love. Again, not really something I want to desire. Of course there are a couple of good examples, but the bad ones certainly out weigh the good ones. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but it makes sense in my head. Even unmarried people get this idea that to be in love even if it's with the wrong person or when it has stopped creating happiness is better than being single. I don't get it.
Perhaps, I don't understand anymore about being in love now than when I was seventeen. How could I? I mean is it something you have to learn with experience or is this something I can understand from observing the experience of others? All I know is that if being in love is what I see in most of the relationships I observe, I'm not sure that's something I want. I know just because you're in love doesn't mean you have to get married. However, that seems to be what happens eventually. The idea of marriage freaks me out. Maybe that's why the idea of falling in love kind of freaks me out too. My first thought when I hear someone I know is getting married is that I wish they could have lived a little more first. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but I guess I view marriage as some kind of constraint. However wrong that view may be I wish someone would show me otherwise.
I want being in love to be liberating. I want to trust the lucky guy I fall in love with more than I trust myself. I want being in love to challenge me in ways I can't even imagine. I want being in love to teach me to communicate like I never have before. I want being in love to be generous with no end. I want being in love to consume me with obsession like an addiction. I want being in love to breed positivity. I want being in love to convince skeptics like me that the real thing is worth it. I'm sure I could go on considering that I want being in love to be more than that. I want being in love to be endless. In Shania Twain's song From This Moment On there's a lyric that goes, "You're the reason I believe in love." Basically, I want to fall in love with someone that becomes the reason I believe in love at all. I'm afraid otherwise it may never happen.
I found the following part of a poem I wrote many years ago and thought is was appropriate since this post is something I would have kept private if I didn't have this blog.
I have thought very little about ever falling in love. I'm definitely not a hopeless romantic. I don't have some dream to get married and live happily ever after. In fact, when I went digging to see what I have written on the subject, I found: "Love lives and love dies," "Whatever love is it's dead" and "I don't know what love means," written in blood red ink when I was seventeen. I want to like the idea of falling in love, but I find it difficult to believe in it. I think most of my skepticism comes from my view on the relationships my friends and family have with their lovers. Obviously, this is only from my point of view which may be completely skewed from reality. I dare to say that I don't believe some of the married people I know are in love. Isn't that the whole point of marriage? Why would I want that? Sure, they probably love each other, but I don't think they're in love. There's a difference, right? I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but judging through the opened one isn't very convincing that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world. Other married folks who are possibly in love have some circumstances in their relationships that make them seem stuck in love. Again, not really something I want to desire. Of course there are a couple of good examples, but the bad ones certainly out weigh the good ones. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but it makes sense in my head. Even unmarried people get this idea that to be in love even if it's with the wrong person or when it has stopped creating happiness is better than being single. I don't get it.
Perhaps, I don't understand anymore about being in love now than when I was seventeen. How could I? I mean is it something you have to learn with experience or is this something I can understand from observing the experience of others? All I know is that if being in love is what I see in most of the relationships I observe, I'm not sure that's something I want. I know just because you're in love doesn't mean you have to get married. However, that seems to be what happens eventually. The idea of marriage freaks me out. Maybe that's why the idea of falling in love kind of freaks me out too. My first thought when I hear someone I know is getting married is that I wish they could have lived a little more first. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but I guess I view marriage as some kind of constraint. However wrong that view may be I wish someone would show me otherwise.
I want being in love to be liberating. I want to trust the lucky guy I fall in love with more than I trust myself. I want being in love to challenge me in ways I can't even imagine. I want being in love to teach me to communicate like I never have before. I want being in love to be generous with no end. I want being in love to consume me with obsession like an addiction. I want being in love to breed positivity. I want being in love to convince skeptics like me that the real thing is worth it. I'm sure I could go on considering that I want being in love to be more than that. I want being in love to be endless. In Shania Twain's song From This Moment On there's a lyric that goes, "You're the reason I believe in love." Basically, I want to fall in love with someone that becomes the reason I believe in love at all. I'm afraid otherwise it may never happen.
I found the following part of a poem I wrote many years ago and thought is was appropriate since this post is something I would have kept private if I didn't have this blog.
Every night I fill these lines
With thoughts of my heart and words of my soul
Emotions meet the pages
As secrets form words I have never spoke
Oh, and after I compose
I set down my pen, close my diary
Lock it up and hide the key
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