Birthday Weekend 2018

I don't know where to start. I felt special and loved this weekend even though it didn't go quite as planned. This past Friday, Taylor came to visit and she arrived at the house before I got home. Without getting into the gritty details, my mom said and did some things that were mean and not hospitable to Taylor. It upset Taylor to the point of tears. When Taylor told me she didn't want to stay at my place on Friday night, I didn't blame her. I was so mad in my car on my way home when I found out what happened that I wanted to cry! Taylor did not deserve to be treated that way. My chest still feels heavy from what happened on Friday. While it annoys me to be having these feelings, it is better than being numb at the moment. 

I drafted a whole post on the bad part about it along with insight on my relationship with my mom, but I can't bring myself to share it in its entirety. I always try to keep my grievances to myself, so I'm going to share a little background on the drama that built these walls around me instead of sharing something that may cause a loss of dignity. Somewhere along the way enough proverbial stones were thrown at me for me to become numb to the pain. I don't care (at least that's what I tell myself) because it isn't worth the fight anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent in this drama. At some point though, I realized the drama made me someone I didn't want to be and I closed myself off. I flipped an emotional switch. I stopped playing the game. I built these walls around me and I struggle to let anyone in because of it.

Taylor apologized for not being strong. I apologized for my mom. Taylor doesn't have the walls protecting her that I had. She isn't numb to the pain my mom's words can inflict and my mom's words cut her deeply. It devastated me to see the emotional pain my mom caused Taylor. Suddenly, I was no longer numb to my mom's bullshit. This time, my mom's words cut me. Taylor is stronger than she gives herself credit for. After we had time to talk about what had happened, she told me not to give up on my mom.

Big sister to the rescue! Lynn, didn't hesitate to welcome Taylor and I to stay the night at her place. I was a little terrified to be having my first sleep over since getting the ostomy. It helped that I could make myself at home and use the bathrooms whenever I needed to without feeling embarrassed. We snuggled on the couch and watched T.V. Taylor and I had tequila. It was my first time having alcohol since surgery and other than having a burning sensation around my stoma in the middle of the night, it was okay. A huge shout out to Lynn for taking us in!

Lynn had to leave early in the morning. She was awesome and let us sleep in. Taylor and I had a fun day on Saturday spending time together and catching up!  We went to the Winter Park Farmer's Market where I bought Girl Scout cookies. We strolled around Park Avenue. Taylor had her wedding ring cleaned. We ate lunch at he Cheesecake Factory and our waitress recommended a nail salon close by for pedicures. Taylor treated me to a pedicure. They used a cheese grater to remove all of my dead skin. I don't think my feet have ever been this smooth before. After getting our nails done, we went to the Florida Mall to shop for some ostomy friendly shirts I could wear to work. By this time, my pouch was full and it was easy to tell if the shirts I tried on were loose enough to hide the shit in the bag under the shirt. I got two shirts courtesy of Taylor! Thank you for spending time and money on me, Taylor! I love my feet and I love my new shirts!

When we were done at the mall, we went back to my place. We kept to ourselves and didn't interact with anyone else at the house. The tension in the house was a little awkward. Soon enough Lynn arrived for movie and pizza night in my room. We ordered pizza and watched the first and second Miss Congeniality. I enjoyed our relaxing time together.

Sunday, Taylor and I relaxed as I prepped for my colonoscopy. I was on a clear liquid diet all day. Taylor walked with me while I went rollerblading. We took a three hour nap and we watched Wild Hogs on Netflix. We watched part of the Super Bowl with my family. My mom acted as if nothing had happened. It was stressful and weird. I did an enema before we went to bed around 8:30pm.

I woke up at 4:30am on my birthday to do another enema before Taylor took me to my colonoscopy appointment. I'll blog about that later. After my colonoscopy, we stopped at Wawa and Taylor took me back to my place. We made the most of our time together! I can't wait to celebrate my 30th birthday for real when I'm fully recovered from my next surgery.

Unnecessary Stress

It has been unnecessarily stressful whenever my best friend, Taylor, comes to visit since I've moved back in with my parents. In the past, for whatever reason my mom and Taylor openly dislike each other. It was no secret; there was no hiding it.  Obviously, I know Taylor as being an outstanding young woman with great drive and motivation. She challenges me in life and I love her for it! I trust her completely! Certainly, I know my mom as being someone I can depend on. Even though we've gone through phases of disagreements and periods of dislike, I have and will always love my mom. 

Since getting my new job and having to work weekends, my free time is very slim. So, when Taylor comes to town it's difficult for me to be constantly available to be with her 24/7 while she is visiting. My parents (my mom in particular) have some beef with Taylor being at the house when I'm not home. My mom seriously tried to get me to kick Taylor out of the house this morning when I left for work at 8am. Taylor wasn't able to check into her hotel for the wedding she's in town for until 3pm.  My mom was going to be home, so I didn't understand why Taylor couldn't sleep in and hang in my room until she was ready to leave.  I somehow managed to calmly explain to my mom the stress the situation puts me through. The tension between my mom and Taylor and feeling responsible to keep them separated stresses me out like nothing I've ever experienced before. I always consider getting a hotel whenever Taylor visits, but I usually incorrectly think I can handle it.

After trying to calmly explain the unnecessary stress (which got my mom's attention because she knows stress can be a trigger for a Crohn's flare), my mom offered to let Taylor sleep in and then asked if she could take Taylor to lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I thought I was stressed before, that was nothing compared to how much I over analyzed how horribly the two of them having lunch together could go.   I had to leave for work, Taylor said she would also like to have lunch with my mom, and I had no time to talk them out of it.  Thankfully, once I got to work I had a team meeting that cleared my head and then I was busy pricing cars and selling a 2015 CX-5 to a customer.

Out of sight, out of mind.... at least I tried to put the two of them having lunch together, unsupervised, out of my thoughts. Who would win in battle? Shit, am I obligated to be Switzerland? I got a text from Taylor that said, "We had fun *smiley face emoticon*". I haven't had a chance to talk to Taylor to get her point of view yet. However, even my mom said it went well! Holy fuck nuggets, they actually enjoyed lunch together! I can't even explain how happy this makes me.

Taylor's family always makes me feel like part of their family and I always feel disappointed that she doesn't get to feel that way about my family. This was a huge step in the right direction. It was like a ton of bricks lifting off of me. Super thankful for my mom being willing to make the first move and ask to take Taylor to lunch and super thankful for Taylor being willing to go.