I have thought very little about ever falling in love. I'm definitely not a hopeless romantic. I don't have some dream to get married and live happily ever after. In fact, when I went digging to see what I have written on the subject, I found: "Love lives and love dies," "Whatever love is it's dead" and "I don't know what love means," written in blood red ink when I was seventeen. I want to like the idea of falling in love, but I find it difficult to believe in it. I think most of my skepticism comes from my view on the relationships my friends and family have with their lovers. Obviously, this is only from my point of view which may be completely skewed from reality. I dare to say that I don't believe some of the married people I know are in love. Isn't that the whole point of marriage? Why would I want that? Sure, they probably love each other, but I don't think they're in love. There's a difference, right? I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but judging through the opened one isn't very convincing that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world. Other married folks who are possibly in love have some circumstances in their relationships that make them seem stuck in love. Again, not really something I want to desire. Of course there are a couple of good examples, but the bad ones certainly out weigh the good ones. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but it makes sense in my head. Even unmarried people get this idea that to be in love even if it's with the wrong person or when it has stopped creating happiness is better than being single. I don't get it.
Perhaps, I don't understand anymore about being in love now than when I was seventeen. How could I? I mean is it something you have to learn with experience or is this something I can understand from observing the experience of others? All I know is that if being in love is what I see in most of the relationships I observe, I'm not sure that's something I want. I know just because you're in love doesn't mean you have to get married. However, that seems to be what happens eventually. The idea of marriage freaks me out. Maybe that's why the idea of falling in love kind of freaks me out too. My first thought when I hear someone I know is getting married is that I wish they could have lived a little more first. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but I guess I view marriage as some kind of constraint. However wrong that view may be I wish someone would show me otherwise.
I want being in love to be liberating. I want to trust the lucky guy I fall in love with more than I trust myself. I want being in love to challenge me in ways I can't even imagine. I want being in love to teach me to communicate like I never have before. I want being in love to be generous with no end. I want being in love to consume me with obsession like an addiction. I want being in love to breed positivity. I want being in love to convince skeptics like me that the real thing is worth it. I'm sure I could go on considering that I want being in love to be more than that. I want being in love to be endless. In Shania Twain's song From This Moment On there's a lyric that goes, "You're the reason I believe in love." Basically, I want to fall in love with someone that becomes the reason I believe in love at all. I'm afraid otherwise it may never happen.
I found the following part of a poem I wrote many years ago and thought is was appropriate since this post is something I would have kept private if I didn't have this blog.
Every night I fill these lines
With thoughts of my heart and words of my soul
Emotions meet the pages
As secrets form words I have never spoke
Oh, and after I compose
I set down my pen, close my diary
Lock it up and hide the key
