Fart in a Bottle

Kim has been in town for the past week and she leaves to go home tomorrow. I wish we had more time to spend together. At dinner tonight with my family, I reminisced about the meltdown I had the last time she was in town and how far I have come since then. During Kim's last visit, I was just about a month into recovery from my first surgery. When she hugged me before she left to go to the airport, I lost it. I sobbed about how overwhelmed I felt with the stoma and ostomy. I cried because recovery was hard and it sucked. Tears also found my face-cheeks because I knew I was going to miss her. I was a mess. I felt defeated even though surgery went better than expected.

My family was shocked to learn that I had been overwhelmed and emotional about the surgery and ostomy. Is that a testament to my ability to keep things bottled up?  They couldn't have known I struggled coping with my new reality if I didn't tell them. For having uncontrollable bowels at times, I sure know how to keep shit to myself. My instincts were to avoid feelings, bury them, and hope they went away. For the most part, it worked. My emotional maturity is questionable. I don't know what it was about that moment with Kim that cracked the bottle with the things. Once she left, I collected myself and put the things back in the proverbial bottle.

I hugged Kim goodbye tonight and I didn't have a meltdown. There weren't any feelings I was suppressing either. I am a lot stronger emotionally and physically than I was a few months ago. I can't wait to see her in August!!!

I think if I trapped a fart in a bottle and I left it in there long enough, eventually it would not stink when I opened the bottle. I also think if I bottle up feelings long enough, eventually they will lose their potency when/if the bottle gets cracked. I could probably afford to get better at expressing myself. But then again, I think my "fart in a bottle" analogy is pretty fucking expressive. It could also be absolute bullshit.

One Month Away

Bowel resection surgery is one month away from today! It's getting harder and harder to stop thinking about it. I am amazed by the support of everyone around me! They have every angle covered! One of my Team Challenge friends is going to give me some supplies so that I can test run the pouch and wafer before surgery in order to prepare for a possible ostomy. My supervisor, co-workers, and HR department have almost eliminated the stress I had about potentially missing up to eight weeks of work. I couldn't ask for a better team at work! My supervisor is extremely understanding and tells me that my health comes before work. My cube neighbor even sat me down to inquire how I was handling it. She let me know that the people around me at work care and she volunteered to carry the weight of my shit if it gets too heavy or if I need a break from acting like everything is okay(Please don't ruin my performance. It's as much for me as it is for you.). My best friend has my back every step of the way and will be taking off work to be with me in the hospital. My Running Divas are with me through this, too. I've only known most of these ladies for about a year and others less, yet they show their incredible support through genuine acts of friendship. They're encouraging and offer valuable insight. One pledged to take the money we are going to be reimbursing her for for making our running costumes and donate it to Crohn's disease research. They offer comedic relief! They have a caring scale that is off the charts. One has taken it upon herself to be my big sister. My Team Challenge friends from south Florida have already asked if they can visit me in the hospital, and I approved. My mom will be with me the whole time and my dad will be with me most of the time, too.  Two of my sisters will be with me when I return home after surgery and one of my sisters will fly into town three weeks after my surgery. Other friends and family have voiced their support and let me know they are here for me as well!

How did I get lucky enough to have all of these people in my life? I am overwhelmed by everyone's support! I didn't expect it. Yes, I tend to underestimate relationships. I'm not sure I deserve these awesome people in my life because I'm not sure I'd be that great of a friend if I was in their shoes. I don't like being held accountable for others' expectations, so I try not to put expectations on others. To give my lack of expectation more perspective, I'll tell you what happened today when I expected something. I ran a two miler and five miler today. My mom, dad, and Kelly walked the two miler, but I ran with a Running Diva because I had to finish in time to start the five miler. The five miler started before they finished the two miler.  My family rarely goes to my races let alone enters to race. As I was approaching the five mile finish line I searched the crowd for my family. They weren't there. They weren't there because they went back to sit in the car to wait for me when they were done rather than cheer me on. Perhaps it's my fault I was disappointed because I didn't ask them to cheer me on at the finish line. Little things like that are why I try not to have expectations and it's also why the amount of support I'm receiving feels a little strange to me...like I'm not entirely certain what to do with it.  I am more grateful for it than I can put into words though!!! One day I'll get better at showing my appreciation. Saying "thank you" doesn't seem like enough!!

Kim is Leaving to Chase Her Dreams

I have a tissue box sitting next me, and it's not just because I'm fighting a cold. I know by the end of composing this post I will lose my composure and tears will soak my cheeks.

Kim leaves this week to move to Virginia to attend the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program at Murphy Deming College of Health Sciences. Her classes begin in one week! I have no doubt that she is ready for this next chapter. She has the drive, determination, and passion to make her dreams of becoming a physical therapist come true. She is super intelligent.  She is willing to challenge herself to work hard because she expects the best out of herself. I have deep admiration and respect for the woman she is and the woman she wants to become. I believe her in her dreams!

Out of all of my sisters, Kim understands me the best. She may be younger than me, but there is a maturity to our relationship that I don't have with other family members. We can be brutally honest with each other and still respect each others' opinions and advice. We can disagree without raising our voices. More importantly, we can disagree and still actively listen to what the other one is saying. I value her perspective on life. We are always there to support each other. I love hanging out and talking with her and I equally love sitting in silence with her. She has the best smile and the most additive laugh I've ever heard. She makes me a better person. When I grow up, I want to be like her.

I'm going to miss her like crazy. I compare this feeling to mourning my good health and Taylor moving away. I know life will go on, but I also know it's going to be different. There's going to be a void, there's going to be an adjustment, and there's going to be a period of feeling lost without her.

I am so proud of Kim for being fearless in chasing after what she wants out of life! I think she is going to blossom during this next chapter of her life, and I'm excited to see her become the woman she wants to be! Go kick ass, baby sis! I love you and remember... https://youtu.be/5tepYJno7rU

The Walt Disney Marathon Weekend

Wednesday, January 4th, 2017:

After work, I drove to meet my ugly stepsister (Michelle W.) at Disney's ESPN Wide World of Sports to pick up our race packets and to try to get moved to a better corral.  Thankfully, we were able to get moved to three corrals better! Before we left, I mentioned that I wished my bestie was going to be at the race, but I was still thankful my sister Kim was going to be there. We took a selfie before saying goodbye. Once I got to my car I texted the selfie to Taylor letting her know I picked up my race packet!!

Thursday, January 5th, 2017:

My supervisor and I are so busy that executive management has approved me to work any overtime I want in the hopes that we will be able to catch up without hiring an assistant. After work, I got a cute haircut and my best friend came into town. We hadn't seen each other since our trip to NYC, so it was awesome to get time with Taylor!  Before we went to dinner, we opened our Christmas gifts! Then, she surprised me by dressing up as Cinderella and announcing that she was going to go to the marathon and cheer me on! She was going to be my ugly stepsister's and my Cinderella!!!! 

Last month, when we made plans for her to come visit for her job interview/hair appointment, I was really disappointed when she said she was going to sleep in and drive home on Sunday (race day) because she couldn't wake up at 2AM, cheer for me at the race, and then drive 3+ hours home. I hated the fact that she would rather sleep in and be rested for her long drive home (even though I know she hates driving) than to wake up at an ungodly hour and be bored while waiting for me to run another marathon. She just saw me at the NYC Marathon. Am I really that selfish? Umm, maybe, but in my defense having someone at the finish line is awesome motivation! I felt pretty bad about letting her let me down, but that didn't stop me from asking again multiple times if she was sure she didn't want to go to the race. Each time, to my complete disappointment, she declined. Heck, the last minute selfie with my ugly stepsister after picking up our packets didn't even change her mind.  Meanwhile the whole time she was planning to go to the race dressed as Cinderella!!! I was speechless!

Friday, January 6th, 2017:

I went to work and left at 2PM to go home and prep for my colon and rectal specialist appointment. Taylor had an interview in the morning. She went with me to my Dr. appointment and afterwards we went to a place called Better Than Sex Dessert Restaurant. It was absolutely delicious! I got The All Nighter, which is coffee with coffee liquer, and I got the Better Than Sex dessert, which is bread pudding in like a chocolate cake/brownie. It was amazing! Taylor had wine and some kind of cookie with ice cream. After Better Than Sex, we went to BJ's Restaurant for a drink and some pizza!

My colon and rectal appointment went surprisingly well. It always surprises me when it goes well. My stricture barely needed any flexing. It didn't even hurt when the doc put her finger up my rectum to flex it. I don't have to go back until SIX MONTHS!!!  My butt didn't bleed after and I wasn't sore or in pain either.  I could totally get used to that!

Saturday, January 7th, 2017

RunDisney cancelled the half marathon and kid races and delayed race related activities like the expo until 11AM due severe weather.  It was rainy, Taylor hates to drive, and I can't get enough time with Taylor, so I drove Taylor on an errand before driving her to her hair appointment!  I jammed out in the car mentally preparing for the race while I waited for her to get her hair done.  I would imagine waiting for a two hour hair appointment is easier than waiting on a 6+ hour marathon. I was tempted to cheer for her when she returned to the car, but instead I just gave her some fruit I got at Wawa while she was getting her hair done because I knew she must be hungry. Once we got back home, we ate lunch, went over some wedding details, and made some DIY bridal shower things. Thank goodness she's helping because she made it so easy! I'm sure I would have complicated the shit out of modge podging glitter on vases. We watched the movie Bad Moms... okay, Taylor watched the movie while I got all my race stuff ready. My family ordered Olive Garden to go and Taylor and I watched the movie Dear John...okay, Taylor watched the movie while I was WhatsApp messaging my running friends to see where everyone was going to be on the course. Most of my group was volunteering at the race, while a few others were going to cheer on the few of us actually running the marathon. We also messaged complaints about the freaking cold weather. More on that in a minute. We stopped the movie short and went to bed around 8PM.

Sunday, January 8th, 2017:

Wake up call at 2AM! I jumped right out of bed to get ready for race day! Kim, Taylor, and I left the house around 2:40AM and we were parked at Epcot by 3:15AM. They start closing roads at 3:30AM, so it's best to get there early and not deal with road closures. My ugly step sister stayed on Disney property, so I met her in the starting area. Security was actually kind of a joke. Sure they had a bag check line where security inspected bags, but I easily went through the no bag line with my flip belt hidden underneath my sweats. As soon as I saw Michelle I knew something was wrong, but I didn't say anything. Maybe she just did an excellent job on her makeup for the ugly stepsister. The first thing she told me was that she vomited last night after dinner and again race morning on her bus ride to the start area.  She was a mess. Right away, I took her bag that she was going to check and carried it for her and we went to find a porta-potty with a short line. It was fucking FREEZING!!! Literally the feel like temperature was 24 degrees! After we went to the bathroom, she pulled out heat sheets for us from her bag! She was so out of it that I had to help her wrap her heat sheet around her because the wind kept blowing it up so that it wouldn't lay flat on her back.  Those things were life savers because it blocked the wind from chilling us to our bones. I continued to carry her stuff while we walked to the self aid station to see if they had water. While she was talking to a medic her Drisella bow fell off her head and I grabbed it to hold so that she wouldn't lose it. At this point, I'm mentally preparing to give up a chance at a PR if I have to in order to stay with her to make sure she finishes her first marathon.

Once we checked her bag (I didn't bring a bag to check because I gave Kim and Taylor the shit I might need and the car wasn't parked too far away from the finish), we hit the porta-potties one more time before starting our 20 minute walk in the freezing cold to our start corral. At this point I'm still carrying her bow and feeling bad that she's sick on this one day that she has worked her ass off training for the past five months! I gave her bow when we got inside our corral and she slowly started pulling herself together.

We crossed the start line and she talked a little, but not as much as usual. *red flag* When Michelle is quiet that means she's not doing well. We actually passed another lady in our group right before mile two. It's always cool to see people you know on the course. Once we passed mile three, I learned Kim and Taylor were confused about where they were supposed to be seeing us on the course. Oh well, as much as I wanted to direct them to where they were supposed to be I had other things on my mind (don't lose Michelle in the crowd).  Michelle used bib magnets to hook her race bib to her shirt, but she lost some and her bib wasn't staying on. So, I took off one of the safety pins on my bib and gave it to her to use. In the process, she dropped one of her gloves. Thankfully, it wasn't too far back on the ground and she was able to find it. We took off our sweatshirts at mile four and then stopped at porta-potties in the MK parking lot for Michelle. I held her sweatshirt and waited for her because I didn't have to go. Gatorade made her nauseous so she was only taking water and salt tablets. One of our running friends was on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom, which was awesome!!  I went live on Facebook as we ran through Cinderella's Castle! 

The Ugly Stepsisters stormed the castle!!

Instead of seeing us at MK, Kim and Taylor just went to the Polynesian where I'm sure they waited forever in the cold judging by Kim's text she sent when we were passing mile seven: "Where the fuck are you". Michelle and I were averaging like 3 minutes slower per mile than our typical training pace. We finally saw Kim and Taylor at mile 7.7 where they cheered us on and I gave them my jacket to hold. After we passed them, Michelle told me that I could leave her because she was slowing me down. Prior to this she had already mentioned her fear of the balloon ladies passing us. The balloon ladies set the pace for the slowest pace you can maintain and still be allowed to finish. If the balloon ladies pass you, you get picked up by a bus. Since I had been passed by the balloon ladies and picked up by the bus in 2013, I knew I couldn't leave Michelle if she was already having these thoughts by mile 8. I know the disappointment of a DNF (did not finish) and I was not going to let that happen to her. I could live without a PR, but I would be extremely disappointed if I left her and she didn't finish. I had to talk more than usual, so I told her about how Taylor and I met and how we became best friends. She couldn't believe I didn't get a birthday card for Taylor when I went to Blue Man Group for Taylor's birthday. Sorry, Taylor!

I stopped at a bathroom inside Animal Kingdom while Michelle kept walking. I didn't want her to stop moving if she didn't have to, so I told her to walk ahead and I would catch up. It seemed like the line for the bathroom took forever. As soon as I was done I took off and passed the halfway point (13.1) running really fast to try to find Michelle on the course. Thankfully, she messaged me saying she was in front of the Dino ride and sure enough I looked up ahead and saw her. We chugged along and came across our group leaders right before mile 16 where they were standing on an overpass cheering the racers on. They gave us big hugs and even brought snacks. They are amazing group leaders!!! They are invested in everyone's success and we couldn't ask for a better running group.

I'm not sure how she managed to smile here.

While we approached ESPN Wide World of Sports I told Michelle this is the worst stretch of the race. I told her about my AAU National Basketball Tournament that I played at ESPN when I was 13 and all about being a great basketball player back in the day and she even found the strength to tell me a few stories as well. As we were coming out of ESPN approaching mile 21 we saw the balloon ladies pass us as they were going into ESPN on the course, which meant that the balloon ladies were 4 miles behind us. There were times I glanced at Michelle and I could tell she was about to cry or had been crying. I could tell she doubted she was going to finish. This was right around the point in race I got picked up in 2013, so it was an emotional period for me too. I felt so bad for Michelle and I wasn't entirely sure what she needed or what else I could do to encourage her. Was she tired of me saying that "We are going to make it", "You are going to become a marathoner today"!  Knowing we were averaging 15 minute miles (course pace requires at most 16 minutes per mile), by mile 23 I knew that even if we walked the rest of the way that we would make it. Around that time, I put my arm around her and said something like "You are going to finish this fucking marathon! We can walk the rest of the way and you will still be a marathoner!" We walked hills, but otherwise I kept running hoping she would too...and she did, she followed me. I looked back every few steps to make sure she was still with me. I felt like somehow I was pulling her with me!



I know when we entered Epcot, she finally believed she was going to finish. We ran around the world and took a walk break before running to the mile 26 marker. We saw Kim and Taylor right before the grand stand seating cheering us towards the finish line, yay!!! We even saw Michelle's wife and son in the grand stands waving at us! As we approached the finish line Michelle asked if we could hold hands and cross. So we put our hands over our heads victoriously and crossed the finish line hand in hand!!!

If we weren't friends before the race, we are certainly friends now. Seriously, helping a friend cross the finish line beats a PR any day! I played this scenario out in my head before race day and every time I thought I would choose a PR over slowing down to stay with someone, but in the moment I made a different decision entirely and I don't regret it one bit. That unexpected, awkwardly HUGE hug says it all! She said that without me she would not have finished.  I know running a marathon is never easy, especially when you don't feel well.


Two ladies in our group (Michelle S. and Cindy) were volunteering at the finish line handing out heat sheets. They were screaming for us and it was awesome!!!  After we got our medals and heat sheets, we picked up Michelle W's bag from bag check and met her family briefly before a medic came with a wheel chair and wheeled her to the medical tent. On our way to the medical tent, I found Taylor and Kim. They were good sports, helped carry our bags, and followed us to the medical tent. Michelle was very nauseous and likely a little dehydrated. She was totally not herself. Michelle's family found us again in the medical tent. We stayed for a few minutes, and then I gave all of Michelle's stuff to her wife. I hated to leave while she was so down, but I had a Cinderella photo op with my best friend awaiting me.

The moment you've all been waiting for... one ugly stepsister was too sick for this memorable picture, but this still made my day!!! Taylor is the best!  Mind you, it was still freaking cold when we took this picture! I want to send a BIG thank you to Kim and Taylor for being at the race to cheer me on!  It means the world that you would waste your Sunday freezing your ass off just so you could cheer me on!! This was my fifth marathon (not counting the one I DNF)! My first run of 2017 and not likely my last run any time soon!

Proud Big Sister

Kim graduated Cum Laude from UCF this weekend with her BS degree in Sport and Exercise Science with a specialization in Human Performance (or something like that).  She has worked hard to get where she is at and I couldn't be happier for her. Not only has she overcome self doubt academically, but she has also narrowed in on her ambition to become a physical therapist.  While in the midst of finals she went to two doctor of physical therapy interviews. I can only image how stressful the last few weeks have been for her. She is still waiting to hear from more schools she applied to, but a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders because she was accepted into the Murphy Deming College of Health Sciences Doctor of Physical Therapy program (this is the first DPT program she interviewed with). Murphy Deming is in Virginia, so we are anticipating her to move by the time the program starts in June.

I am beyond thrilled for her to be realizing her dreams, but I cried because I will miss her when she moves away. Out of all of my sisters, I am closest with Kim. We get each other, we are the only ones in our family that understand the whole college experience (we make it look easy, but we know it isn't), we tell each other truths that are difficult to hear, and we support each other no matter what. It's no secret that Kim is my favorite sister even though Kim and Kelly are like the ultimate twin bestfriends.  I wish my relationship with my twin could be like theirs; however that bridge is not ready to be rebuilt. I have a feeling in Kim's absence I will grow closer to Kelly. I've even joked with Kim and Kelly that I'm going to be Kelly's new bff when Kim moves away. We laugh because we all know that won't happen.

DPT school is a three year program, so by 2020 Kim will be a Physical Therapist. At the moment, I would seriously consider moving to wherever she takes her first PT job.

"These are the Badlands"

I'm totally pumped to see Halsey tomorrow night at the CFE Arena!  Kim got me tickets for my birthday and I'm pretty excited about seeing her live. I clung to her Badlands album late last year into early this year as I was battling my own "badlands" during some shitty months of depression and Crohn's disease.  Strangely enough I first liked her music because I related to her lyrics. I felt understood.

Waking up facing the same disease day in and day out allowed me to relate to the line in 'Gasoline' by Halsey that says, "You can't wake up, this is not a dream". I couldn't just snap out of it and get back to the reality I so desperately desired.  The pain and lack of happiness had me living the line in 'Hold Me Down' by Halsey that says, "They [demons] fight me, vigorous and angry, watch them pounce". It seemed unrelenting. If I could have controlled it, I would have. Honestly, I felt helpless. All I could do was hold on while it took its toll on me. I found a much needed sense of hope in the line "I'm meaner than my demons" in the song 'Control' by Halsey. At times, Crohn's disease and/or depression made me feel isolated and I related to the lines in Halsey's song 'Empty Gold' that says, "I, I must confess / How hard I tried to breathe / Through the trees of loneliness". Right about the time I was overcoming depression, I started to catch myself thinking who am I without that weight? I don't know who I'm supposed to be. The line in Halsey's song 'Haunting' explains my crazy feelings well: "I'm begging you to keep haunting me" because I wasn't sure who I was without it. There's no doubt I lost a bit of myself during that period in my life. It was difficult to find the person I was prior to that struggle, but I think I have found myself again.

Now, I like Halsey's music because I appreciate the depth of her lyrics. Not only can she hit the notes (how would I know? I'm tone deaf), but she is very artistic in her delivery, sound, and beat.  I like that she doesn't shy away from dark feelings. Life isn't all sunshine and roses and I can appreciate anyone willing to verbalize that.

"These are the Badlands": https://youtu.be/DWCOW7TaGQE

La De Da

Please, excuse my arrogance.  I often wonder how awesome I would be if I didn't have a chronic disease. Positive self thoughts have not been coming easily to me lately, but yesterday I feel like I had a break though. I crossed the finish line of the Space Coast Half Marathon yesterday! It was also my third year in row of crossing the Space Coast finish line, so I qualified as a Milky Way Challenge finisher and received another super cool medal. If you've ran any kind of distance, you know it takes as much mental strength as it does physical strength.  It took me 3 hours and 42 minutes, which was exactly a 17 minute per mile pace. I can't even be upset that it was my worst half marathon I've ever completed time wise.

Kim and I did 10 and 30 intervals with the 3 hour and 30 minute pacer, where we ran for 10 seconds and walked for 30 seconds at a time, until mile 9. I know the intervals seem ridiculously easy, but after 9 miles I couldn't keep up. My legs were on fire, my back hurt, my feet were screaming at me, and my arms were in discomfort, too. Yes, it took me 9 miles to hit "the wall."  I was expecting to hit the wall much sooner, but I think keeping a slow and steady pace from the start helped to lengthen the distance to the wall. Kim told me, "You can do it. You're doing great." My reply was, "I know." The truth is walking those last four miles seemed killer, but I didn't once think about quitting. After all I know pain and the pain I experienced on the course was minor compared to the pain I had after the MRI.  I knew I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Once we passed mile 12 I asked Kim if we could run a little to make it to the finish line under 3 hours and 45 minutes. She said, "What's the point? We're already sucking." I know my race wasn't pretty, but ouch. We didn't run until we saw the finish line in sight, but we did pick up our walking pace for the last mile. I'm thankful Kim sacrificed her race to stay with me because I don't think I would have done as well without her.  After the race, I apologized for sucking. Even though I was elated that I finished and somehow in my twisted head I felt like a badass for crossing that finish line!

Kim was my support while others told me, "You have no business doing that race."  La de da, whatever... I needed to cross that finish line! Strangely, I feel like it gave me a positive boost to my mentality. Although I'm still doing the post half marathon shuffle, once the soreness has gone away I think I may try to start running again. After all, running is a great anti-depressant.

Side note: I'm still constipated, but my belly hasn't started hurting yet.

Kim Makes me Proud...Again

          It has been a long time coming, Kim will be graduating with her A.A. degree from Seminole State College tomorrow. The graduation will be held at the CFE Arena at UCF, my home away from home. Kim has worked unbelievably hard to do her very best in every class she has taken. She consistently forwent fun in order to study more. I have great respect for her work ethic and her ability to chase her dreams fearlessly. She's graduating as a member of the honor society Phi Theta Kappa and she's also graduating summa cum laude, which is the highest of three degrees of praise as noted on a diploma. That's my sister!!!  In the fall, Kim will begin her undergraduate studies at UCF by pursuing a degree in Sport and Exercise with Specialization in Human Performance. Her dream is to become a physical therapist and this is the next step for her to get there. We're going to downtown Disney to celebrate today! She told me last night, "Not even this rain can erase the smile from my face." I love her!