Full of Shit on the Fourth

Inquiring minds want to know how my bowel movements have been, so I decided to write my Shit Horoscope.  My pooping habits haven't been regular lately. Constipation has been ruling my zone with occasional diarrhea increasing the unpleasant atmosphere in my colon. There are either too many poo vibes or not enough. Advice from others is not likely to be helpful, but fresh perspectives could change my outlook. Being full of shit is essential before the moon will allow waves in the bowl.

In all seriousness, constipation has been an issue for the past month or two. I'm shitting once every three to four days. While diarrhea is a huge relief from the constipation it still sucks! Constipation drags me down and diarrhea wipes me out.  Before the surgery, I pooped three to four times a day. When I go one day without taking a crap, my stomach  starts to feel uncomfortable. Each day of constipation adds to the pressure in my gut. I get the sensation of having to poop, and then I sit on the toilet for hours with no success. The feeling wakes me up in the middle of the night. 

On July 4th, I ran a four mile race with Lynn. I had not pooped in four days and being full of all the shit slowed me down. It wasn't until I arrived at the race that I realized how terrible I felt. My stomach didn't feel well. I had the urge to poop, but I knew I wouldn't be able to so I didn't even try. I walked a lot.  It was hard to run with the uneasy feeling. My average pace was 11 minutes per mile, which was slower than my first race back after surgery. I was definitely disappointed in my performance because my training runs leading up to the race were significantly better. 

I can turn off nearly every thought except my thoughts about the state of my bowels. When will I poop again? When will I stop pooping? What if I shit myself at work? Can you tell I'm constipated right now by looking at my face? If I poop before my run, it will be an amazing run! I am bearing down too hard. I'm going to give myself hemorrhoids. What if I have a blockage?  I sweated more sitting on the toilet trying to push out a tiny dip n' dot turd than I did when I ran the four mile race. I just want a beautiful bowel movement every day. I will be grateful for my good shits even though they don't occur as frequently as I would like.

 

After 9 Days Without Incident...

After 9 days without incident, I finally pooped today!  What a huge relief! I was beginning to skip meals because the pressure in my stomach was too uncomfortable. Thankfully, with the long weekend I felt confident intentionally over dosing on laxatives because I would be at home in case of an "emergency". Desperate times call for desperate measures.

In other news, I've been having knee pain in my left knee. At first I noticed it after a few runs in the past weeks below my kneecap, but during my Saturday run I felt the pain during and after my run. According to WebMD, it's jumper's knee. That's a little weird considering I've been running, not jumping. However, I did use to experience this back in high school when I played basketball.

Sudden Change in Bowel Habits

For the first time since starting Remicade I find myself constipated.  I felt a little backed up on Saturday, but I attributed it to my period. Well, my period is over and I'm still struggling to poop. I don't want to wait this out, so I took some laxatives tonight in hopes it will help get me regular again. In the past, laxatives don't usually work right away, which makes me skeptical of how quickly I'll actually find relief. I've also been trying to eat less to decrease the potential backup. It's hard because my appetite is raging! I'm so hungry that only having one dinner is making my stomach growl. I desperately want to poop so that I can EAT.ALL.THE.FOOD!

Busy Week Ahead

After I stopped taking my iron supplements last week, I started taking multiple double doses of Senokot laxative tablets. It seemed like it took forever for it to work... it took at least 5 days. I finally had a bowel movement on Friday. I've had a few more since then, but I want more! I was constipated for almost a week and half, but because my belly was so empty prior to becoming constipated it didn't get too sore, thankfully. Once I feel like my bowels have become regular I'll start taking the iron again. Whatever regular means these days...

This week is going to be a super busy week. I'll likely be working overtime on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because its accounting's close week for the month of November and because we have two payroll runs this week. My supervisor and I will be busting our butts in payroll during normal hours and staying late to help accounting for close. On Friday, I'm scheduled for a vacation day. On my day off, I'm going to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. I'm just hoping that I feel well enough when the time comes and that I'll have the energy to last all day. I know I can push through a half marathon, but my will power is not the same when it comes to theme parks.

La De Da

Please, excuse my arrogance.  I often wonder how awesome I would be if I didn't have a chronic disease. Positive self thoughts have not been coming easily to me lately, but yesterday I feel like I had a break though. I crossed the finish line of the Space Coast Half Marathon yesterday! It was also my third year in row of crossing the Space Coast finish line, so I qualified as a Milky Way Challenge finisher and received another super cool medal. If you've ran any kind of distance, you know it takes as much mental strength as it does physical strength.  It took me 3 hours and 42 minutes, which was exactly a 17 minute per mile pace. I can't even be upset that it was my worst half marathon I've ever completed time wise.

Kim and I did 10 and 30 intervals with the 3 hour and 30 minute pacer, where we ran for 10 seconds and walked for 30 seconds at a time, until mile 9. I know the intervals seem ridiculously easy, but after 9 miles I couldn't keep up. My legs were on fire, my back hurt, my feet were screaming at me, and my arms were in discomfort, too. Yes, it took me 9 miles to hit "the wall."  I was expecting to hit the wall much sooner, but I think keeping a slow and steady pace from the start helped to lengthen the distance to the wall. Kim told me, "You can do it. You're doing great." My reply was, "I know." The truth is walking those last four miles seemed killer, but I didn't once think about quitting. After all I know pain and the pain I experienced on the course was minor compared to the pain I had after the MRI.  I knew I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Once we passed mile 12 I asked Kim if we could run a little to make it to the finish line under 3 hours and 45 minutes. She said, "What's the point? We're already sucking." I know my race wasn't pretty, but ouch. We didn't run until we saw the finish line in sight, but we did pick up our walking pace for the last mile. I'm thankful Kim sacrificed her race to stay with me because I don't think I would have done as well without her.  After the race, I apologized for sucking. Even though I was elated that I finished and somehow in my twisted head I felt like a badass for crossing that finish line!

Kim was my support while others told me, "You have no business doing that race."  La de da, whatever... I needed to cross that finish line! Strangely, I feel like it gave me a positive boost to my mentality. Although I'm still doing the post half marathon shuffle, once the soreness has gone away I think I may try to start running again. After all, running is a great anti-depressant.

Side note: I'm still constipated, but my belly hasn't started hurting yet.

Falling Baby Dolls

I walked 2.5 miles with my Team Challenge peeps this morning for the Turkey Trot. We kept a 17 minute pace, which felt like a super fast walk to me. Kim even went with me to "evaluate" if I should be doing the half marathon tomorrow.  I was surprised how well I felt. I didn't struggle to breathe and my legs felt stronger than I expected. Kim and my Team Challenge peeps agree that I should at least walk the half marathon tomorrow since there is a 7 hour time limit for the course. This makes me happy because after picking up my race packet yesterday, the pre-race excitement is running through my veins.

Of course, there's a catch. I'm constipated. I haven't pooped since Wednesday. I took laxatives on Thursday and Friday, but I still haven't pooped. I won't be taking any laxatives today because I don't want them to start working during the race. I just hope my stomach feels okay tomorrow. Two weeks ago I was pooping about every hour and now I can't even poop. This disease makes no sense. My bowel habits are almost always on my mind.

In other news, I remembered the dream I had last night. As much as I sleep I rarely remember my dreams, so this is exciting for me. Tons of naked baby dolls were falling from the ceiling and whoever collected the most in a minute won. I never saw anyone else trying to collect the baby dolls in my dream though. It was just me running around picking up as many naked dolls as I could. It hurt when the falling dolls fell on my head, so I was trying to avoid the falling dolls in the process. It was the longest minute ever... Super strange.

After the MRI...

After the MRI on Friday, November 13th, it didn't take long for me to start feeling negative side effects from the three bottles of barium I drank as prep. My stomach turned to knots of pain and I found myself rushing to the bathroom every hour or two. I desperately wanted to sleep, but it seemed just as I cried myself to sleep I would get another urgent urge to go to the bathroom again. The urges felt like I had to pee, and even though I peed every time I went I also pooped black diarrhea every time, too. This went on Friday, Saturday, and even Sunday. I did not rest well. I lost eight pounds. I'm sure I was dehydrated. In the middle of the night, when everyone was in bed, I found myself sleeping on the bathroom floor to make for a shorter trip the next time the urge struck. One night, my dad slept in my bed so that I could sleep in my parents' bed with my mom close to their bathroom. My groans from being in pain woke my mom up a few times in the middle of the night, but she was a trooper. I felt physically and mentally fucked up, yet I'm still convinced the MRI was better than a colonoscopy.

I messaged my doctor to let him know how horribly I had been doing since the MRI and he let me know that it was typical for the barium to worsen symptoms, but that it should only last for a few days. Well, that would have been nice to know before I went into the MRI. It also makes me question the results of the MRI. Did the barium cause for bad or worse results?

I almost called in sick to work, but I hated to waste a sick day. I want to save my sick days for hospital visits if it has to come to that. Thankfully, I started feeling better on Monday. Yes, I was still experiencing pain, but I was experiencing less trips to the bathroom. My doctor called right at 5pm as I was signing off my computer at work, so I answered it even though my supervisor Kim was right in the office next to me. I would have walked into the stair well for privacy, but I didn't want my phone to drop the call. My doc asked about how my visit with my colorectal went, so I told him, "It was too tight to do the sigmoidoscopy, so she just flexed it with her finger and I go back in three months." Geez, I can't imagine what my supervisor is thinking of this conversation. My doc then went on to give me my MRI results: There is swelling in my small bowel, a possible fistula, and I was constipated during the MRI. Obviously, this means there is active disease, which makes us question if the medication, Cimzia, is working. My doc gave me two options: bump the dose of Cimzia to every three weeks instead of every four or switch to Humira or Remicade. I decided that I want to be sure Cimzia is not working before I switch to a different biologic, so I chose to bump the dose. I'll get lab work done in a few months to see if my inflammation levels have gone down and that's how we are going to tell if Cimzia is still working or not.

I was crying during my drive home from work, which has been happening more often than I care to admit lately. I had my car read me my messages for the day and Brittany came to my rescue again to turn my day around. Her and her family got me a get well gift, so I called her to thank her and filled her in about the results.  I don't know how she does it, but she should write a book on how to be a friend to someone with a chronic illness because she is an absolute beast at it. She rocks my world when it needs rocking. Thank you, Brittany, for being an angel disguised as my friend. I know we don't talk that much, but I hope you know your heart is amazing and I love you!

I made it to work for the rest of the week, but I have been unfathomably exhausted. I did my Cimzia injections on Thursday, November 19th.  Throughout the week I experienced occasional stomach pain. Mainly after a BM, but sometimes the pain just hit like a Mack Truck. I've been going to the bathroom more often than I'd like, but I've had worse so I'm happy it's not worse. Sleep has been difficult because I'm either waking up to go to the bathroom every few hours or I'm awake because I can't sleep through the pain.

I was supposed to visit Taylor this weekend, but I cancelled on her to stay home and recover from the week I've had. I promise it wasn't to stay home to binge watch House of Cards on Netflix. Thankfully, she understands I'm not always a flake. She's been a great ear for me to vent to. I don't complain verbally, out loud, but she is one person that will listen and I won't feel guilty when I need to get it off my chest. I know I complain on this blog (even though I think I'm just explaining the facts of what I'm going through mostly), but I think that's different. The minute you don't want to read it you can close my page, but mentally it helps me to let it out sometimes.  She encourages me to call her at 3am when I'm in pain and can't sleep. Thank you, Taylor, for always being there to listen about my crazy shit. Thanks for always checking in and sending me funny memes. My love for you runs deeper than the sewers. I love you, Stinkbrain!

I even had to turn down an offer to go to the Gator game. It was the right decision because I feel like the rest I got today did me well. I've only had pain once today and I've only been going to the bathroom about every three to four hours, so I'm super happy I seem to be on the right track.  I have more to say, but I'll blog again tomorrow since this post is already long

I Pooped!!!!!

Today at work, I pooped! I even pooped again when I got home! Does anyone else get excited about taking a shit? As I flushed I pumped my fists into the air to celebrate before washing my hands. It's frustrating how one week I can be pooping my brains out and the next week I could be willing to give my life just to have a bowel movement. My life often revolves around my bowel habits.  It's kind of sad how much I think about it throughout the day. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be better. I haven't had any stomach pain lately.

Perhaps the coconut oil pills helped the constipation. However, my money is on the Senokot laxative tablets. Shh, don't tell my doctor... I probably wasn't supposed to take those because she says senna, the active ingredient, can turn my colon black. As if my colon isn't ugly enough let me turn it black. That sounds like a title to a book: The Black Colon.

In other news, on September 1st I will be switching off my parents' insurance plan and onto my own plan through work. Once I do that there's no turning back. Thankfully, it's still with United Health Care, so I'm hoping the switch won't be too difficult regarding continued coverage for Cimzia. I'm not really concerned if I have to find different doctors in network because I'm not in love with my current doctors.  At least I'm not stressing about it. I'll deal with the switch when the time comes. I'm also getting vision, life and my 401k will kick in in October. I'm growing up and it feels good! I'm also looking forward to my 90 day review in October where it's likely I'll be getting a pay bump.

Constipation Update

It's been a week since I've had a good bowel movement.

I've been taking coconut oil pills twice a day since Thursday to get my mom off my back about it being "my fault" for being constipated. I verbalized my doubt of the coconut oil pills being able to help and she hopped on my back again. It's "my fault" they won't help because according to her I should have been taking coconut oil pills every day as a "preventative" for these kinds of things.  I disagreed and she got offended and is now being quiet about this round of constipation. I lost her support for this round, but can I really lose something I never really had this round?

Seriously, I understand that people care and want to help, but I despise when people blame me for my situation. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE CROHN'S! I know I don't always take proper care of myself. Mostly because I don't have the energy to or I don't care enough about myself to. If you have some miraculous solution or preventative treatment for Crohn's, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue, chronic pain, anal leakage, and/or rectal bleeding, sell your idea and make millions. Don't harass me about your hypothetical cure.

My period is just finishing, so I don't know if this round of constipation is somehow related to that or not. I know my bowel habits are unpredictable around this time of month. I started taking Senokot tablets (it uses a natural vegetable laxative ingredient) instead of Miralax yesterday. I've had a few dip n' dots, but nothing that could be considered a real bowel movement. My stomach is starting to feel the pressure building from not being about to shit. The shit building up inside me makes the scale believe that I'm gaining weight, so that's the plus side.

On The Verge of Constipation...

I haven't pooped today. Although it's wonderful not pooping at least 3 times a day (my normal/healthy schedule), I'm concerned I may be constipated. Remember the last time I was constipated? It led to the Texas incident...

All I Want for Christmas is to Poop

I've been afflicted with constipation again. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I've had a relieving bowel movement. Honestly, I've been so busy with work, my trip to Taylor's, a Disney adventure this weekend to properly deal with it because I haven't really been home long enough to where I can safely take laxatives. I barfed a few times last Tuesday and again on Sunday. I think it was because my belly wasn't digesting my food quick enough for it to have room to go all the way down. I've mostly only been eating one meal a day since Thursday because if I eat more, I don't feel well. My stomach is in such discomfort and even my anus and rectum are giving me false BM alarms.  I drank a mug of warm prune juice this morning, but so far no luck. I'm going to drink another mug of warm prune juice before I go to bed tonight. I have a morning flight to Texas, but I'm desperate. If I have to shit on the plane, so be it. I warned my friend, Veronica that I'm bringing laxatives with me. I hate the feeling of having to poop, but not being able to relieve it. It's so bad that I'm wishing for an early period to shake my pipes up a bit.

My Novel Idea...Shhh

As you may know I hope to write a book one day. I've been working with this one idea for a while and for the sake of my future New York Times bestseller's content not getting stolen let's call it Betty.  I've got the main idea, but I've had writers block for months with lack of continued development to the point where I almost deleted it and said the heck with it. The only thing worse than constipation is mental constipation. Finally, after a new prompt from The Secret Storytelling Society, my new writing group on Facebook, acted as a writing laxative, I have made a major development in Betty. Betty has broke the waterline if you know what I mean!  I'm super excited and feel like this could be the huge creative break I've been waiting for! Betty is alive and well with her characters, setting, theme, plot, and conflict under construction I've got a decent blueprint to work with now. I'll probably be working on Betty for years to come and that's okay. After all, I haven't even finished my first draft yet. Trust me when it's finished, it will be epic! Betty is like my secret baby. It'll take a lot of time, love, and hard work to raise her.

Constipation... Too Much Information

          I thought I better post something under TMI before I lose my nerve. Plus, I don't feel like studying at the moment. I'm going to start this series off easy with constipation as the headlining subject. As you may know Crohn's disease is known for frequent diarrhea, so you can imagine my confusion when I started dealing with constipation. The constipation began after I began injecting myself with Cimzia in November of 2012.  I'll have to post my theory about how I think it's related to my menstrual cycle later. Obviously, what I consider normal bowel habits would probably make a person with healthy bowels think they're sick. I feel my best when I poop three to four times a day. Yes, that's my normal! It sounds like a lot to most, but it's not that much considering when I'm at my worst I can go up to 16 times a day. I start feeling constipated as soon as I go a whole day without pooping. Normal folks go days without pooping and feel good. But, imagine if you couldn't poop the next four times you felt like you had to poop. I'll feel like I have to go, but I'm greeted with endless amounts of gas and usually no turds. Though on occasion, a tiny one will escape.

          You should understand that if you saw what I call turds, you would probably be freaked out. Most people don't think twice about taking a shit. I think about the consistency, form, color, and whether there was blood or not.  It used to freak me out. Now it only freaks me out when I've recently seen what normal people call turds. My turds are typically really thin because my intestines are so constricted and tight from the inflammation and scars. They are no bigger around than one of my fingers. Anal sex is never happening for me. I don't see how that can bring anyone pleasure whatsoever anyway. My doctor lubes the scope and her fingers and it's always uncomfortable and sometimes it's even painful. I can't imagine a dick would feel any better. When I walk into a public bathroom where someone didn't make sure their shit flushed all the way, I stand and admire the HUGE freaking poops some women have. Seriously, my butt could never produce such beautiful creatures. Okay, back on the topic of constipation. I consider myself constipated even if one small turd escapes because let's be honest. One of my turds isn't very relieving. I know I'm constipated when it feels like I need to poop more, but nothing more comes out of my bad ass. My stomach will begin to cramp just after the first day of being constipated and the longer I go without a bowel movement the more pain builds up in my stomach. Eventually, I'll just want to lay in bed and moan about how all I want to do is poop. It's kind of a crazy thought for a crohnie because most of our existence is spent wishing we could stop pooping.

          Miralax is my close friend. My friend Taylor always comments about my two giant bottles I keep in my bathroom. If I lived by myself, I'd keep them in the kitchen. Up until last month as soon as I went a day without pooping, I would begin taking a double dose of Miralax everyday. It would take up to a week for it to work and give me a good poop that's why I never hesitated to start taking it. I was always miserable by the time it started working. This is something I've told my friends and family once, but to keep telling them every time I experience it would likely be redundant and annoying. I know I was annoyed with it every other month.

          After I started taking the iron supplements to help my anemia, I was concerned that constipation would be a side effect. Thankfully, my mom is always researching home remedies for constipation. It's usually easier to try whatever she finds than it is to have to listen to her tell me it's my fault for still being constipated and feeling like shit. The latest two remedies from her have actually seemed to help even while I'm taking the iron supplements.  I've been taking coconut oil pills and rubbing peppermint, an essential oil, on my belly. Since I've started these I haven't been constipated. My poop has been dark green since I've gotten back from NY. I don't know if it's something I ate, or if it's from the iron or coconut pills. Dark green poop means I'm not constipated, so I'll take it as one less thing bringing me down.