TMI: A Happy Period

I can't place which brand this phrase belongs to, but I remember "Have a happy period" being a catch phrase, marketing campaign for a feminine product brand. Are you bloody kidding me? Should the words 'happy' and 'period' even be in the same sentence? Can you tell I'm hormonal? Why must women of a childbearing age bleed out every month? Is it really necessary for responsible women using protection, taking a pill, and/or abstaining from sex to endure this madness every month. In my experience, there is nothing happy about it other than the fact that it signifies I'm not pregnant. Okay, so I guess it's better than the alternative (being pregnant or being old), but I don't see this clown nose red blood oozing out of me as a beautiful gift of womanhood.

My first period didn't make an appearance until I was fifteen. And even then it only came around every few months. It first started right around the time I was beginning to figure out and get a handle on Crohn's after being diagnosed. I can probably count on my two hands the amount of periods I had in high school, which isn't many. The age when my sisters and friends were developing curves, starting their periods, and gaining interest in relationships, I was waiting for boobs to grow on my skeleton, wondering what it would be like to have a period (down right awful I would later learn), and being too engrossed in my bowel habits to be interested in relationships. Eventually, my boobs finally grew to an A, my period became regular after I graduated high school, and I'm still waiting for my interest in relationships to spike. I think the onset of Crohn's during my formative years stunned my sexual development to some extent... I'll save that topic for another post in the future.

Typically, my periods are three-four days long and are accompanied with back and stomach pain. I can handle cramps, but the pain I get is unbelievable most times. The hormones cause mood swings. Birth control pills didn't help the pain or mood swings for me like everyone claims they should have, so I stopped taking them. I'm convinced that my period makes my Crohn's symptoms worse. More pain and more irregular bowel movements around my period. How can my period cause both extreme diarrhea and extreme constipation, depending on the month? Plus, the whole let me bleed for three days a month and act like everything is okay has to be the biggest joke females tell themselves. Keep in mind while I'm bleeding I usually have anal leakage to deal with too, so I'm just one big, disgusting mess.  I know I don't have heavy flow compared to most, but just the fact that blood flows out of me for days in a row doesn't make me happy. It's bad enough when I have blood in my stool. Am I over-reacting? Most likely. It doesn't change the fact I want to take out my womanhood, tie my tubes... I don't care I just want to be a woman without the red hood. I would be happier without a period. Perhaps I should get pregnant. I'm sarcastic about getting pregnant because that would solve my issue for nine months only to have a different issue for eighteen years. On the other hand, I'm sure getting pregnant would make my boobs bigger. Though the trade off just isn't worth it to me.

It Didn't Kill Me, But I Don't Feel Any Stronger Either

Warning, this post may contain too much information for some of you. Just know that this week I couldn't move, couldn't breathe and couldn't poop pain free.

The debilitating stomach pain struck me Tuesday night after dinner while I was studying for my Wednesday exam. I found myself crying in the fetal position. This was worse than the typical discomfort, aches and cramps I'm accustomed to dealing with like nothing is wrong. I walked very slowly with a severely hunched back and my stomach hugged tight to Kelly's medicine cabinet in search for Tylenol. I ended up waking her up with my groans of pain and she came out to see what was going on. Thankfully, she helped me get some water. In agonizing distress, it took all of my effort to crawl to the toilet. I don't really know how I got any sleep Tuesday night because I was up every hour in the bathroom pooping my brains out. The quality of my bowel movements declined with each flush, and I nearly broke the waterline each time. Seriously, how does that much shit fit inside me?

I was off of work on Wednesday because I was supposed to be studying for my exam that covered seven chapters in two different books. However, the pain was unbearable, so I spent most of my day napping in the fetal position and reading/studying when I was on the pot. The torment was unrelenting and I couldn't take prescription pain killers because I had to be able to drive to school. A seat belt makes driving with stomach pain worse. I hated that I had to get to school before the bookstore closed to buy scantrons for my exam. There is NO close parking, so I had to painfully walk, what seemed like a great distance, to buy fucking scantrons.  Maybe people couldn't tell I was crying behind my shades. At this point, I had an exam in less than two hours that I was definitely not properly prepared for. All I could think about was the terrible pain I was feeling. I don't think I've ever crammed so hard in my life, nor have I ever pooped so much on campus. I should get my grade back on Monday. Thumbs up for my professor though... He doesn't mind if students use the bathroom during an exam. The next best thing would have been being able to take the exam on the toilet. After class, I had a painful walk back to my car, drove straight home and went to bed...after I pooped, of course.

Thursday was better than Wednesday, but that wouldn't have taken much. I still experienced wicked pain, but thankfully my family at work helped me out and took care of me. Today, was a huge relief when I woke up and could stand straight without protest from my body. I spent the day at my parents because it's nice to be taken care of when I'm recovering from a painful episode like this. I can't see myself running anytime soon, but I'm able to walk from my bed to the bathroom without looking crippled.  My belly is extremely sore... at least the stinging pain has stopped, for now. I'm super grateful for my family. Times like these make my ambitions to make it in the world on my own without them seem dumb and unrealistic.

I wouldn't wish crohn's on any enemy, but I'm over it. I've never wanted it and if I was given the opportunity to kick its ass, I would beat it so hard that no one would even recognize it as a disease anymore. The pain from it hasn't killed me... I don't feel it's made me any stronger either. I hate how I let it mess with my faith. I find myself praying for others and not praying for myself like there's nothing God can do about it.  Fuck Crohn's!!! Some days it feels like I'm already in Hell. If Hell is worse than this, I better work my diseased ass off to get to Heaven.

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About My Colonoscopies

          Most healthy Americans don't have to get their first colonoscopy until after they turn fifty as a screening for colon cancer. I had two colonoscopies by the time I was twenty-five. Wah, wah no big deal. That's right, it's not a big deal to someone with healthy bowels. The procedure is pretty routine. I'm jealous of how easy it was for my dad and my friend Taylor. I also can't describe how strongly I desire to have their grossly normal results.

          Before I get into my first colonoscopy, let me back up and explain how I came about getting there. By the way, I had my first colonoscopy back in 2003.  I don't remember exactly how many months I had been experiencing weird and sometimes painful bowel movements before I finally told my parents that I needed to go to the doctor. I suffered in silence for far too long. I had lots of puss, blood and mucus in my bowel movements. Did I mention a lot of BLOOD? I was going to the bathroom at least 10 times a day with diarrhea. I didn't know what was happening to me. I tried to keep quiet about it, but soon my family started noticing that I was in the bathroom a lot. They never questioned it, they just made comments.  I was afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone until one day when I gathered the courage and called my mom into the bathroom to look in the toilet. I remember the look of concern in her eyes. I had other symptoms, too. I saw my pediatrician, I saw my OBGYN (the issue was with my butt, so I'm not sure why the dr. had poking and biopsies done in my vagina. I still remember the size of the needle they stuck me with down under. I'm pretty sure I closed my legs on the doctor's head after that), eventually I was finally referred to a pediatric gastroenterologist. The diagnostic testing I underwent included: blood work, upper GI series, barium x-rays, sonogram and lastly the colonoscopy.

          I had my first colonoscopy when I was fifteen. FIFTEEN!  Damn, I was a strong kid. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug.  I had to drink a gallon of prep. For those of you that don't know prep is the stuff you drink the day before the colonoscopy to clean you out so that the scope can clearly see your colon. They also make prep taste so bad that if the only source of hydration left on the planet tasted like prep, I would rather die of dehydration than gag it down. Obviously, I was down in the dumps by the time I had to take the prep, which probably makes it harder to endure. To give someone that already has the shits a gallon of prep to drink in order to give them worse shits seems like cruel and unusual punishment.  I spent the night crying on toilet. By morning I was extremely dehydrated from everything that came out of me. My mom drove me to the hospital and I don't really remember anything there until I woke up in the recovery room. I was gassy from all the air they shot up me to keep the passage open for the scope to see. My stomach hurt, but I think the pain was from being so empty.  The findings of the colonoscopy concluded the diagnosis of Crohn's disease.  I had the same question most people have when they first hear about Crohn's. What the hell is that? That's a topic for another post entirely. My mom drove me home and I think I slept most of the day.

           I don't remember telling any of my friends about what I was going through. My basketball teammates only knew that I was sick. I'm sure my mom told coach and some of the parents, but as far as telling people about this poop disease... I've come a long way since then. I'm all about creating awareness because I don't want some lost kid to be too afraid to speak up and get help sooner than I did.

          My second colonoscopy is fresher in my mind because it was in 2012. By the time I got around to getting an appointment with my gastroenterologist I had very little control of my bowels. I was pooping myself on a regular basis. Experienced pain that's impossible to explain. I lost 17lbs in a couple weeks. It was my first big flare with Crohn's since being diagnosed. I was even further in the dumps than when I had to take my first prep. This time around I told my friends about it and most of them were supportive.  I went through a different prep this time around. I took some kind of pills to prep the prep. I also drank a bottle of magnesium citrate two days before the colonoscopy. If you've never tried that glorious prep, you can pick up a bottle at any CVS or the like to try. Just take a sip to taste it. Then, I had to drink 8oz of the prescribed prep every 15 minutes until it was gone. I remember clear liquid coming from my ass by the time I was finished. I failed to mention that I fuss and whine like a baby about how I don't want to prep while I prep.  It's miserable.

          My mom drove me to get the colonoscopy. The first thing the nurse wanted me to do when she took me back was to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant. The problem was that I was so dehydrated that I tried to pee for over an hour and half in that damn cup of hers and I couldn't even get a single drop of urine out of me. Finally, I signed a paper stating I wasn't pregnant. The thing about dehydration is that it makes it difficult to find my veins for the IV. I scolded that nurse for bruising my arm with the needle searching for a vein. When she finally hooked me up, I'm sure she couldn't wait to get me drugged. By this point I had been laying on the bed naked with a butt flap gown and blanket over me for what seemed like forever.

          To me, it feels like a lot of time passes between when I get put under the anesthesia and when I wake up. When I woke up this time, I heard my mom talking with the doctor. The operative procedure report from my doctor confirms what I thought I heard:

          "A stricture was found in the rectum." "We used a pediatric scope since I don't
          believe a regular would pass." "...the stricture was ulcerative." "I did see an
          orifice likely a fistula. Colitis was found in the descending colon. We reached
          an area with significant ulceration and angulation. I could not go beyond this
          level. It may be stricture but I don't know with certainty. The remaining bowel
          was fairly normal with some old scarring."

          I have colored photos that were taken with the scope of my colon to confirm everything in the report. I'd post them, but I'm sure that would freak you out if you didn't want to see it. It's scary to look at. You'd question how I get poop out through the inflammation and tight passage way. No wonder I was in such pain. I'm surprised that since they couldn't go all the way up due to the stricture that my doctor hasn't ordered another colonoscopy to get a better look beyond it now that I seem to be doing better. I think a colonoscopy would be cake if I could prep while I feel good.  Maybe next time, I'll throw a prepping party where my friends can take shots of alcohol while I take shots of the delicious prep.

Constipation... Too Much Information

          I thought I better post something under TMI before I lose my nerve. Plus, I don't feel like studying at the moment. I'm going to start this series off easy with constipation as the headlining subject. As you may know Crohn's disease is known for frequent diarrhea, so you can imagine my confusion when I started dealing with constipation. The constipation began after I began injecting myself with Cimzia in November of 2012.  I'll have to post my theory about how I think it's related to my menstrual cycle later. Obviously, what I consider normal bowel habits would probably make a person with healthy bowels think they're sick. I feel my best when I poop three to four times a day. Yes, that's my normal! It sounds like a lot to most, but it's not that much considering when I'm at my worst I can go up to 16 times a day. I start feeling constipated as soon as I go a whole day without pooping. Normal folks go days without pooping and feel good. But, imagine if you couldn't poop the next four times you felt like you had to poop. I'll feel like I have to go, but I'm greeted with endless amounts of gas and usually no turds. Though on occasion, a tiny one will escape.

          You should understand that if you saw what I call turds, you would probably be freaked out. Most people don't think twice about taking a shit. I think about the consistency, form, color, and whether there was blood or not.  It used to freak me out. Now it only freaks me out when I've recently seen what normal people call turds. My turds are typically really thin because my intestines are so constricted and tight from the inflammation and scars. They are no bigger around than one of my fingers. Anal sex is never happening for me. I don't see how that can bring anyone pleasure whatsoever anyway. My doctor lubes the scope and her fingers and it's always uncomfortable and sometimes it's even painful. I can't imagine a dick would feel any better. When I walk into a public bathroom where someone didn't make sure their shit flushed all the way, I stand and admire the HUGE freaking poops some women have. Seriously, my butt could never produce such beautiful creatures. Okay, back on the topic of constipation. I consider myself constipated even if one small turd escapes because let's be honest. One of my turds isn't very relieving. I know I'm constipated when it feels like I need to poop more, but nothing more comes out of my bad ass. My stomach will begin to cramp just after the first day of being constipated and the longer I go without a bowel movement the more pain builds up in my stomach. Eventually, I'll just want to lay in bed and moan about how all I want to do is poop. It's kind of a crazy thought for a crohnie because most of our existence is spent wishing we could stop pooping.

          Miralax is my close friend. My friend Taylor always comments about my two giant bottles I keep in my bathroom. If I lived by myself, I'd keep them in the kitchen. Up until last month as soon as I went a day without pooping, I would begin taking a double dose of Miralax everyday. It would take up to a week for it to work and give me a good poop that's why I never hesitated to start taking it. I was always miserable by the time it started working. This is something I've told my friends and family once, but to keep telling them every time I experience it would likely be redundant and annoying. I know I was annoyed with it every other month.

          After I started taking the iron supplements to help my anemia, I was concerned that constipation would be a side effect. Thankfully, my mom is always researching home remedies for constipation. It's usually easier to try whatever she finds than it is to have to listen to her tell me it's my fault for still being constipated and feeling like shit. The latest two remedies from her have actually seemed to help even while I'm taking the iron supplements.  I've been taking coconut oil pills and rubbing peppermint, an essential oil, on my belly. Since I've started these I haven't been constipated. My poop has been dark green since I've gotten back from NY. I don't know if it's something I ate, or if it's from the iron or coconut pills. Dark green poop means I'm not constipated, so I'll take it as one less thing bringing me down.

A New Level

          I hesitate to publish this because I know I've experienced worse health than my current state. Shouldn't I just shut up and be thankful for feeling better? Am I really sure I'm feeling better?  I know my past self would have given anything to feel like I do now, but now that I'm here I want to feel even better. Why settle for anything in life, right? I personally know others who are currently experiencing worse symptoms of IBD than I am. One lady has had numerous surgeries and only has a very small part of her small intestine left. She is recovering from a stroke and she isn't older than 35.  How can I let others hear me get down about my health when I really don't have it that bad?

          Now that you know where I'm coming from, I'm trying to justify this post. I don't want to minimize what I go through, so I won't anymore on this blog. I've reached a new level. I've decided I'm going to start looking at my health like I look at my running. I will only compare myself with myself because there will always be others worse off and there will always be others better off than I am. I can't promise not to be occasionally jealous of the healthy people in my life though. Call me a wimp, but what I've  been through and continue to go through is not always easy to deal with.

         Part of that new level is for me to go "deeper" as my one friend says. Deeper into my health. It isn't socially acceptable to talk about farts, butts, poop and constipation to list a few unspeakable subjects. These are all things my life revolves around and I will soon dive right into these subjects. I usually cope these unglamorous subjects with humor. I think it helps to take the edge off how uncomfortable it is for others to hear about it.  I have five people that invite me to tell them anything I want. The blessed souls are Taylor, Kim, Brittany, Veronica and my mom. Yes, I'll keep them updated on major events and things about this poop disease called Crohn's. Honestly, I would feel like a burden if I shared all of my thoughts, concerns, fears and frustrations with them because it really is never ending. It annoys me and I don't want to be annoying, so I'll just be annoying on here. This is the gateway to future posts with TMI. Don't say I didn't warn you.