TMI: A Happy Period

I can't place which brand this phrase belongs to, but I remember "Have a happy period" being a catch phrase, marketing campaign for a feminine product brand. Are you bloody kidding me? Should the words 'happy' and 'period' even be in the same sentence? Can you tell I'm hormonal? Why must women of a childbearing age bleed out every month? Is it really necessary for responsible women using protection, taking a pill, and/or abstaining from sex to endure this madness every month. In my experience, there is nothing happy about it other than the fact that it signifies I'm not pregnant. Okay, so I guess it's better than the alternative (being pregnant or being old), but I don't see this clown nose red blood oozing out of me as a beautiful gift of womanhood.

My first period didn't make an appearance until I was fifteen. And even then it only came around every few months. It first started right around the time I was beginning to figure out and get a handle on Crohn's after being diagnosed. I can probably count on my two hands the amount of periods I had in high school, which isn't many. The age when my sisters and friends were developing curves, starting their periods, and gaining interest in relationships, I was waiting for boobs to grow on my skeleton, wondering what it would be like to have a period (down right awful I would later learn), and being too engrossed in my bowel habits to be interested in relationships. Eventually, my boobs finally grew to an A, my period became regular after I graduated high school, and I'm still waiting for my interest in relationships to spike. I think the onset of Crohn's during my formative years stunned my sexual development to some extent... I'll save that topic for another post in the future.

Typically, my periods are three-four days long and are accompanied with back and stomach pain. I can handle cramps, but the pain I get is unbelievable most times. The hormones cause mood swings. Birth control pills didn't help the pain or mood swings for me like everyone claims they should have, so I stopped taking them. I'm convinced that my period makes my Crohn's symptoms worse. More pain and more irregular bowel movements around my period. How can my period cause both extreme diarrhea and extreme constipation, depending on the month? Plus, the whole let me bleed for three days a month and act like everything is okay has to be the biggest joke females tell themselves. Keep in mind while I'm bleeding I usually have anal leakage to deal with too, so I'm just one big, disgusting mess.  I know I don't have heavy flow compared to most, but just the fact that blood flows out of me for days in a row doesn't make me happy. It's bad enough when I have blood in my stool. Am I over-reacting? Most likely. It doesn't change the fact I want to take out my womanhood, tie my tubes... I don't care I just want to be a woman without the red hood. I would be happier without a period. Perhaps I should get pregnant. I'm sarcastic about getting pregnant because that would solve my issue for nine months only to have a different issue for eighteen years. On the other hand, I'm sure getting pregnant would make my boobs bigger. Though the trade off just isn't worth it to me.

Pain, Pain Go Away

          This morning, I awoke in the fetal position with my arms crisscrossed and my hands holding my stomach delicately with care. The fact that the shooting pain in my lower abdomen didn't wake me up in the middle of the night meant that I should be able to manage the pain. I didn't restrain my sighs of agony as I climbed out of bed and stood up. It hurt like crazy to stand straight up without hunching over. The afflicted scowl on my face had enough control throughout the day to disappear whenever I was in the presence of others. That's the power of slow, deep breaths. Still, the pain felt the worse today whenever I would stand up from sitting. Which totally sucked because I spent most of my day sitting and standing: every time I stood up from using the bathroom, every time I stood up from my desk at work to get something from the printer, every time I stood up to get out of my car,  and standing after sitting for over an hour in class was certainly the most miserable. Each time I stood my eyes grew and I inhaled deeply as I eliminated the hunch in my back without letting a distressing sound escape my lips. My walking pace was slower than usual today. Everything I did was probably slower than normal. The best part of the day was when I got home and I had the place to myself for a bit. I climbed into bed and moaned about the discomfort in my belly while I wrapped my arms around my abdomen.

          I wish this was a rare occurrence, but the truth is that this kind of pain visits me every month with my menstrual cycle. It's like a mini flare. Is it menstrual cramps or pain related to Crohn's? My doctors say worse Crohn's symptoms and pain are a typical complaint for women with Crohn's disease. And, as usual they can't do anything to lessen the blow. I've tried pain relievers without finding any relief. Thankfully, I made it through today without anyone being alarmed by my pain. When I compare it to the level of pain I've felt in the past, it's barely even on the pain chart. It makes me feel like a wimp because I've survived far worse.  Why is it important to me to hide my pain? Why do I still allow Crohn's to keep its reputation of being an invisible illness?