This morning, I awoke in the fetal position with my arms crisscrossed and my hands holding my stomach delicately with care. The fact that the shooting pain in my lower abdomen didn't wake me up in the middle of the night meant that I should be able to manage the pain. I didn't restrain my sighs of agony as I climbed out of bed and stood up. It hurt like crazy to stand straight up without hunching over. The afflicted scowl on my face had enough control throughout the day to disappear whenever I was in the presence of others. That's the power of slow, deep breaths. Still, the pain felt the worse today whenever I would stand up from sitting. Which totally sucked because I spent most of my day sitting and standing: every time I stood up from using the bathroom, every time I stood up from my desk at work to get something from the printer, every time I stood up to get out of my car, and standing after sitting for over an hour in class was certainly the most miserable. Each time I stood my eyes grew and I inhaled deeply as I eliminated the hunch in my back without letting a distressing sound escape my lips. My walking pace was slower than usual today. Everything I did was probably slower than normal. The best part of the day was when I got home and I had the place to myself for a bit. I climbed into bed and moaned about the discomfort in my belly while I wrapped my arms around my abdomen.
I wish this was a rare occurrence, but the truth is that this kind of pain visits me every month with my menstrual cycle. It's like a mini flare. Is it menstrual cramps or pain related to Crohn's? My doctors say worse Crohn's symptoms and pain are a typical complaint for women with Crohn's disease. And, as usual they can't do anything to lessen the blow. I've tried pain relievers without finding any relief. Thankfully, I made it through today without anyone being alarmed by my pain. When I compare it to the level of pain I've felt in the past, it's barely even on the pain chart. It makes me feel like a wimp because I've survived far worse. Why is it important to me to hide my pain? Why do I still allow Crohn's to keep its reputation of being an invisible illness?
