My Ordinary Reality

If you endure something long enough, it will slowly become your new normal. This post is about my new normal. The forthcoming sentences and pictures have strangely become my ordinary reality during the past few months. It may be disgusting. I can't close my browser to stop being repulsed by my new reality though. I have to deal with this shit no matter how nauseating it is at times. It sucks, but I'm getting better at it.

My preferred way to empty the shit in my pouch into the toilet is to lift the toilet seat and get on my knees to get closer to the water line so that I decrease the amount of splash caused by dumping the shit into the toilet.  This is hard on my knees and troublesome when the floor is wet.  Before I got the ostomy, I would never touch a toilet seat outside of my house. I'm great at squatting and hovering. lol  Now, I find myself touching the toilet seat with my hand in every bathroom I use.  There is nothing neat about dumping the shit into the toilet. Even though I reduce splatter, I do not eliminate it. It is common for shitty toilet water to splash back up onto the toilet rim, my hands, arms, and/or clothes. I use wipes and/or toilet paper to clean the opening of my ostomy before rolling it to close it and sometimes my finger pokes a hole in the wipe/toilet paper causing my finger to make direct contact with shit.

I also come in direct contact with my shit on change days. Scarlett is almost always producing output while I change the ostomy appliance. I inevitably end up getting shit on me during the process. I recorded Scarlett shitting on me this morning, but due to technical difficulties I could not upload the video on here. You'll have to settle for pictures instead.

My stoma is now 7/8", which is just slightly smaller than a quarter.

I set out my ostomy supplies to prepare for change day. 

Oh no, Scarlett is about to blow!

She always thinks it's a good time to shit when she's free. She's a non-stop asshole like that. I'm 30 years old and still shitting myself regularly.  

The feeling of victory when she behaves long enough for me to clean and dry the area, and prepare and apply the adhesive parts of the appliance.

Bring it on, Crohn's Just kidding, please leave me alone.

This photo shows that I am okay. I am making it through this. I am pretty fucking amazing!

After 9 Days Without Incident...

After 9 days without incident, I finally pooped today!  What a huge relief! I was beginning to skip meals because the pressure in my stomach was too uncomfortable. Thankfully, with the long weekend I felt confident intentionally over dosing on laxatives because I would be at home in case of an "emergency". Desperate times call for desperate measures.

In other news, I've been having knee pain in my left knee. At first I noticed it after a few runs in the past weeks below my kneecap, but during my Saturday run I felt the pain during and after my run. According to WebMD, it's jumper's knee. That's a little weird considering I've been running, not jumping. However, I did use to experience this back in high school when I played basketball.

Hello Appetite, Hello Energy

My appetite is crazy and I'm not sure if it's because of the new medication or because I'm training for a marathon. I've been hungrier than usual in the past week or two. I find myself snacking at work and eating two dinners some nights. My bowel movements have been absolutely beautiful. I've considered taking pictures and framing them. It's been a long time since I've had such awesome poop like this that I forgot it could be this amazing! Taking a dump is effortless, and I think it's because my stricture is fully stretched.

Although I wouldn't go as far as saying that my energy is through the roof, I will say that my energy has increased in the past couple weeks. I'm not as inclined to take naps. I'm going to bed way later because I'm not dead tired by 8pm like I usually am. I find that I have more energy to take care of myself. I'm actually showering every day. It might be gross, but I usually only shower a few times a week because it wears me out. Not only have I been showering every day, but I've also been shaving regularly. I haven't just been brushing my teeth in the morning, I've been brushing them at night, too. I haven't just been doing the bare minimum of laundry because laundry sucks the energy out of me, I've actually been washing my towels and sheets, too! Hygiene is a lot of work, but if my energy keeps increasing I have big plans for new routines.

Consequences of a Good Day

Yesterday, I had a great day. I woke up feeling well with energy I haven't experienced in a long time. I went shopping, went to lunch with my mom and dad, did laundry, watched some football with my dad, and I even cleaned my room a little. I washed my sheets, which doesn't happen as often as it should because it takes a lot out of me. I didn't even take a nap yesterday.

I woke up today feeling the consequences of a good day. I woke up sore and tired. I tried to finish cleaning my room, but I had the chills and fell asleep sitting on my couch with my portable heater pointed at me and covered in two blankets. I woke up with a neck cramp and moved to my bed. I've been to the bathroom about 15 times today. Eventually, I woke up for dinner sweating like crazy. Hey, at least I haven't been in any pain today.

Busy Week Ahead

After I stopped taking my iron supplements last week, I started taking multiple double doses of Senokot laxative tablets. It seemed like it took forever for it to work... it took at least 5 days. I finally had a bowel movement on Friday. I've had a few more since then, but I want more! I was constipated for almost a week and half, but because my belly was so empty prior to becoming constipated it didn't get too sore, thankfully. Once I feel like my bowels have become regular I'll start taking the iron again. Whatever regular means these days...

This week is going to be a super busy week. I'll likely be working overtime on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because its accounting's close week for the month of November and because we have two payroll runs this week. My supervisor and I will be busting our butts in payroll during normal hours and staying late to help accounting for close. On Friday, I'm scheduled for a vacation day. On my day off, I'm going to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. I'm just hoping that I feel well enough when the time comes and that I'll have the energy to last all day. I know I can push through a half marathon, but my will power is not the same when it comes to theme parks.

MRI Is Scheduled

I don't know how I've almost made it through this work week. I've already pooped 10 times today and the day isn't even over yet. Where is all this crap coming from? How can all of that shit be inside me? It's been mostly explosive diarrhea. My stomach has been sore. I get shortness of breath by just walking up stairs. I was shushed by my sister Kim when I was trying to tell her how I've been feeling. I've been harassed behind my back about my bathroom habits by my sister Leigha. Oh, and the last time I tried to have a conversation with my mom about me she seemed too busy on her phone and laptop to really listen and then later claimed that I walked out in the middle of our conversation. Yes, I did.

Then I see a FB post from a friend that says, "I'm quickly becoming extremely frustrated by this whole being sick thing. Enough is enough." I can't comment: Imagine if you had a chronic disease. This post should be mine. What have you been sick for a week? Sounds like a dream. Hey, to each their own.

I had every intention of going to the MRI by myself.  I already had plans this Friday to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. Since I scheduled my MRI for Friday morning Kelly will be taking me to the MRI. If I feel okay afterwards, we'll go and drink butter beer at Hogwarts. I have to arrive an hour before my appointment to drink 3 bottles of something. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it, but it can't be worse than a colonoscopy prep, right? I told the scheduling lady that I'm not claustrophobic...we'll see if that's true.  While I'm in the machine I'm sure it'll be like an out of body experience because there's no way I'd be brave enough to go in there. I'm trying not to be nervous about it because I think it's going to be a way better experience than a colonoscopy.

I Pooped!!!!!

Today at work, I pooped! I even pooped again when I got home! Does anyone else get excited about taking a shit? As I flushed I pumped my fists into the air to celebrate before washing my hands. It's frustrating how one week I can be pooping my brains out and the next week I could be willing to give my life just to have a bowel movement. My life often revolves around my bowel habits.  It's kind of sad how much I think about it throughout the day. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be better. I haven't had any stomach pain lately.

Perhaps the coconut oil pills helped the constipation. However, my money is on the Senokot laxative tablets. Shh, don't tell my doctor... I probably wasn't supposed to take those because she says senna, the active ingredient, can turn my colon black. As if my colon isn't ugly enough let me turn it black. That sounds like a title to a book: The Black Colon.

In other news, on September 1st I will be switching off my parents' insurance plan and onto my own plan through work. Once I do that there's no turning back. Thankfully, it's still with United Health Care, so I'm hoping the switch won't be too difficult regarding continued coverage for Cimzia. I'm not really concerned if I have to find different doctors in network because I'm not in love with my current doctors.  At least I'm not stressing about it. I'll deal with the switch when the time comes. I'm also getting vision, life and my 401k will kick in in October. I'm growing up and it feels good! I'm also looking forward to my 90 day review in October where it's likely I'll be getting a pay bump.

Constipation Update

It's been a week since I've had a good bowel movement.

I've been taking coconut oil pills twice a day since Thursday to get my mom off my back about it being "my fault" for being constipated. I verbalized my doubt of the coconut oil pills being able to help and she hopped on my back again. It's "my fault" they won't help because according to her I should have been taking coconut oil pills every day as a "preventative" for these kinds of things.  I disagreed and she got offended and is now being quiet about this round of constipation. I lost her support for this round, but can I really lose something I never really had this round?

Seriously, I understand that people care and want to help, but I despise when people blame me for my situation. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE CROHN'S! I know I don't always take proper care of myself. Mostly because I don't have the energy to or I don't care enough about myself to. If you have some miraculous solution or preventative treatment for Crohn's, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue, chronic pain, anal leakage, and/or rectal bleeding, sell your idea and make millions. Don't harass me about your hypothetical cure.

My period is just finishing, so I don't know if this round of constipation is somehow related to that or not. I know my bowel habits are unpredictable around this time of month. I started taking Senokot tablets (it uses a natural vegetable laxative ingredient) instead of Miralax yesterday. I've had a few dip n' dots, but nothing that could be considered a real bowel movement. My stomach is starting to feel the pressure building from not being about to shit. The shit building up inside me makes the scale believe that I'm gaining weight, so that's the plus side.

On The Verge of Constipation...

I haven't pooped today. Although it's wonderful not pooping at least 3 times a day (my normal/healthy schedule), I'm concerned I may be constipated. Remember the last time I was constipated? It led to the Texas incident...

I Pooped My Brains Out

I'll post about the fun girls weekend next time.

This post will be about fucking Crohn's disease.  I was supposed to do my Cimzia injections on Thursday, the day I left town. I decided to post-pone the injections by 3-4 days because they make my belly really sore and the injection spots tend to get puffy and sometimes bruised. I didn't really want a swollen tummy at the beach.

I knew going into the weekend that my energy levels weren't the best, but I thought with afternoon naps I would be able to keep up with the weekend. I did okay until Saturday afternoon. My two hour nap didn't help at all. I still felt really fatigued and tired. I had the chills. Maybe it was the sun and water... maybe it was the alcohol the night before... maybe it was because I post-poned my injections. Plus, I had gas cramps. I'm glad I sucked it up and went bowling and sang karaoke though. I got up a few times in the middle of the night to poop (it was diarrhea). I was as quiet as I could be, but I felt bad because I didn't want to wake anyone up with my potty issues. I tossed and turned and accidentally woke Taylor up a few times. I even woke up sweating at one point, which is strange because I was freezing most of the night.

Thankfully, I woke up Sunday morning with enough energy to get me through the beach and car ride home.  I took a three hour nap when I got home. After the nap, I was feeling way better until I ate dinner. After dinner, my stomach pain had me doubled over and I was running to the bathroom once or twice and hour.

Side note: I'm living with my family. My mom and dad hear me struggling to make my lunch for the next day in the kitchen. I'm moaning in pain. At one point I was on the floor. My mom got up to see what was going on, I gasped in pain when I told her I was trying to make lunch, and then she just said, "Oh, I used to feel like that after I ate Tijuana." (I hate when healthy people think that they have felt what I feel.) She then went back to the couch. I can't ask her to help make my lunch, but she didn't even offer to help and that pissed me off... which is weird because I hate when I need help. (She gets weird when I hang out with Taylor. Even though those two claim to be liking each other these days.) Don't get me wrong I know they care when it matters, but sometimes I feel like when I don't feel well it's just so normal for them that they don't think twice. They are constantly telling me that I can't live on my own because then I'll have no one to take care of me and I'm like it won't be much different than it is now. The only difference will be that no one will see me in pain.

I didn't really get much sleep Sunday night. Between 9pm and 6am I pooped at least 15 times. I pretty much pooped my brains out. How could that much shit be inside me? The last time I pooped that much was in Texas. (Mom has the nerve to tell me to clean the toilet. I know it needs to be cleaned and when I feel better, I'll clean it. Damn you woman,) I'm just glad this time I had at least some control over my bowels. Somewhere along the way the pain went away, but my stomach was sore from pooping so much. If I didn't have my new job, I would have called in sick. I was so tired. I put on a good face and made it through work with way more bathroom breaks than normal. When I got home on Monday, I did my injections, ate dinner, and then went to bed. Thank God, I only woke up 6 times between 7:30pm and 6:30am to poop. I slept much better.

Today, I feel way better than Sunday and Monday; however, I still don't feel as well as I did on Friday. My bowels are still calming down and I'm hoping it's under control before I start losing weight. I've already lost three pounds, but I think it's just because I'm dehydrated. I'll clean the bathroom tomorrow.

P.S. I got an amazing compliment from my supervisor today about how well I'm doing. It almost made me cry. Damn you, feelings.

A Whole Weekend Off

This weekend off was exactly what I needed. Sure, I didn't fill out as many job apps as I would have liked to, but I think I owed myself one weekend of a little laziness. Plus, I felt sick all of last week with a sore throat, runny nose, and pounding headaches. I cleaned my room, did laundry, searched for jobs, dyed my hair, lounged by the pool, tried on my rocking hot outfit for the wedding next weekend and took three hour naps!  It was grand!!!

Seriously, I think I could sleep forever. No matter how long my nap is or how many hours of sleep I get at night I never have a problem falling asleep. I never think I'm not tired enough to sleep. Friday and Saturday night I got about 12 hours of sleep each night. I didn't set an alarm to wake up, I just decided to stay awake when I woke to pee out of obligation to have a somewhat productive day. I took a three hour nap this afternoon from about 4pm to 7pm and here it is almost 9pm and I'm ready for bed.

For the most part, Crohn's disease has been behaving itself. Although I did experience some slight stomach pain last week, but that easily could have been from Aunt Flow. It's been so nice not having to deal with pain. I actually think my pain tolerance has gone down since I'm not used to handling it every day. No pain is good, but I hate how it makes me feel weak when I do encounter pain because I'm not accustomed to it like I was.

Even though I haven't been experiencing pain, Crohn's is still present. I know because I pooped about nine times yesterday and last week I was pooping about five times a day. At first, I blamed my period; however, when it continued I started to blame Crohn's. What the heck, how can I poop nine times in a day and think it's okay? Because I feel okay that's how. It does worry me a little though. If it keeps up, I know I'll start losing weight again and that's never fun. I'm a solid 140 lbs, not the 150 lbs I've been trying to get back to since the beginning of the year, but I'll take it.

All I Want for Christmas is to Poop

I've been afflicted with constipation again. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I've had a relieving bowel movement. Honestly, I've been so busy with work, my trip to Taylor's, a Disney adventure this weekend to properly deal with it because I haven't really been home long enough to where I can safely take laxatives. I barfed a few times last Tuesday and again on Sunday. I think it was because my belly wasn't digesting my food quick enough for it to have room to go all the way down. I've mostly only been eating one meal a day since Thursday because if I eat more, I don't feel well. My stomach is in such discomfort and even my anus and rectum are giving me false BM alarms.  I drank a mug of warm prune juice this morning, but so far no luck. I'm going to drink another mug of warm prune juice before I go to bed tonight. I have a morning flight to Texas, but I'm desperate. If I have to shit on the plane, so be it. I warned my friend, Veronica that I'm bringing laxatives with me. I hate the feeling of having to poop, but not being able to relieve it. It's so bad that I'm wishing for an early period to shake my pipes up a bit.

Thanksgiving Eve

It was a typical Wednesday for me. I worked half a day, and then went to UCF for my class. I think my group finished our project, so now all we have to do is submit it before Tuesday. Although I did most of the heavy lifting in our group project by gathering the data at the Bloomberg terminals on campus, setting up our model in excel with equations, and running our regression analysis, the other two girls in my group did well at styling the format, explaining our outputs, and making it look professional.  I have my last class of the semester on Monday. Two of my finals (Real Estate and Supply Chain) open up in the testing lab on Wednesday, December 3rd. My plan is to take those two exams on Wednesday, but I do have until Friday to take them if I don't feel prepared enough by Wednesday. My last final will be an in class exam for Portfolio Analysis on Monday, December 8th at 1pm.  I am counting down for this semester to be over! I'm really only expecting to get an A in Real Estate. In Supply Chain and Portfolio Analysis I'm expecting a B. I'm slipping a little bit, and frankly I don't care as much as I thought I would. I'm just ready to be done.

Hopefully, I'll find time to study between family tomorrow and my half marathon on Sunday. Training hasn't gone as planned for the past two weeks, which disappoints me because I was doing so well. At least, my stomach pain has stopped for now.  I'm up to 146 lbs. My poop has been unbelievably beautiful. My turds have been so big that I question whether they really came out of my ass. Though I'm sure they were still way smaller than your turds. Heck my turds are smaller than my four year old cousin's turds. I seriously get jealous of her big turds. I actually feel good after a bowel movement. I'm going to try to race smart and pace myself by running with my sister Kim or with Coach Janice from Team Challenge. I'm excited to get out there and finish the race! I need a this small victory to prove to myself again that no matter how many times my body knocks me down, I can always get back up and accomplish incredible, physical feats. I hope I never lose the courage to get back up and try.

Six Hour Nap

Immediately after dinner on Thursday night, I got a sharp, stabbing pain in my stomach. I was hopeful that I'd be able to poop the pain away. However, none of the nine bowel movements I had during the twelve hours following dinner settled the pain. Pain and bathroom trips interrupted my sleep, but I still went to work Friday morning. It was obvious I was suffering. At work, we have a project we have to finish early next week, so I wanted to complete a few stacks of files on my desk before leaving early to deal with the pain that was continuing to torment me. I went home at lunchtime and dealt with the pain by taking a six hour nap.

By the time I woke up, it was dinner time. I ate some soup and that was the first thing  I'd eaten all day. The soup triggered my bowels again. In two days, I've lost about 6 lbs. I'm down to 144, which is on the opposite side of 150 than I want to be at. I'm sure most of it is water weight because I know I'm dehydrated. Today, I'm sore and I feel okay, but I haven't eaten anything yet.

Dear Bowels

Dear Bowels,

Please stop this nonsense! It's only 9am and I've already had seven bowel movements this morning.  I don't think there's much left inside to come out.

Love, Lauren

Feeling Well

I woke up feeling surprisingly well today! No pain! That's right, I moved, danced, stretched my arms above my head and breathed deep without any pain. I felt so well that I even smiled at myself in the mirror. Sadly, when I don't feel well my hygiene suffers because I don't have the energy to properly take care of myself, so I do the bare minimum. I took advantage today by showering, shaving and moisturizing. I even did laundry and dishes. My appetite has been noticeably bigger the past few days. I hope that's a sign of even better days to come.

My only issue is that my bowel movements still aren't very pretty.  Yes, BM's can be beautiful. Trust me on this. I can almost guarantee that I would be jealous of how beautifully formed your BM's are.

It Didn't Kill Me, But I Don't Feel Any Stronger Either

Warning, this post may contain too much information for some of you. Just know that this week I couldn't move, couldn't breathe and couldn't poop pain free.

The debilitating stomach pain struck me Tuesday night after dinner while I was studying for my Wednesday exam. I found myself crying in the fetal position. This was worse than the typical discomfort, aches and cramps I'm accustomed to dealing with like nothing is wrong. I walked very slowly with a severely hunched back and my stomach hugged tight to Kelly's medicine cabinet in search for Tylenol. I ended up waking her up with my groans of pain and she came out to see what was going on. Thankfully, she helped me get some water. In agonizing distress, it took all of my effort to crawl to the toilet. I don't really know how I got any sleep Tuesday night because I was up every hour in the bathroom pooping my brains out. The quality of my bowel movements declined with each flush, and I nearly broke the waterline each time. Seriously, how does that much shit fit inside me?

I was off of work on Wednesday because I was supposed to be studying for my exam that covered seven chapters in two different books. However, the pain was unbearable, so I spent most of my day napping in the fetal position and reading/studying when I was on the pot. The torment was unrelenting and I couldn't take prescription pain killers because I had to be able to drive to school. A seat belt makes driving with stomach pain worse. I hated that I had to get to school before the bookstore closed to buy scantrons for my exam. There is NO close parking, so I had to painfully walk, what seemed like a great distance, to buy fucking scantrons.  Maybe people couldn't tell I was crying behind my shades. At this point, I had an exam in less than two hours that I was definitely not properly prepared for. All I could think about was the terrible pain I was feeling. I don't think I've ever crammed so hard in my life, nor have I ever pooped so much on campus. I should get my grade back on Monday. Thumbs up for my professor though... He doesn't mind if students use the bathroom during an exam. The next best thing would have been being able to take the exam on the toilet. After class, I had a painful walk back to my car, drove straight home and went to bed...after I pooped, of course.

Thursday was better than Wednesday, but that wouldn't have taken much. I still experienced wicked pain, but thankfully my family at work helped me out and took care of me. Today, was a huge relief when I woke up and could stand straight without protest from my body. I spent the day at my parents because it's nice to be taken care of when I'm recovering from a painful episode like this. I can't see myself running anytime soon, but I'm able to walk from my bed to the bathroom without looking crippled.  My belly is extremely sore... at least the stinging pain has stopped, for now. I'm super grateful for my family. Times like these make my ambitions to make it in the world on my own without them seem dumb and unrealistic.

I wouldn't wish crohn's on any enemy, but I'm over it. I've never wanted it and if I was given the opportunity to kick its ass, I would beat it so hard that no one would even recognize it as a disease anymore. The pain from it hasn't killed me... I don't feel it's made me any stronger either. I hate how I let it mess with my faith. I find myself praying for others and not praying for myself like there's nothing God can do about it.  Fuck Crohn's!!! Some days it feels like I'm already in Hell. If Hell is worse than this, I better work my diseased ass off to get to Heaven.

All My Friends Know

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of friends. In friendships, I look for quality, not quantity. One thing is certain, anyone I consider a friend knows poop makes me smile and laugh. Jokes, books, and videos about poop really lighten my mood. Even though I deal with a shitty disease I'm still able to find the humor in poop, butts and farts. I'm thankful for that. Strangely enough, I feel bad for those who have lost their cockroach. Watch this video to explain the cockroach reference: http://youtu.be/JsinmLHiItI 

I've been having a rough time lately... pain, diarrhea, and fatigue have been beating me up. In times like this, I'm glad I don't have a lot of friends because I feel I don't even have the energy for the friends I do have. I know I'm sleeping my life away, but it means I'm sleeping through life happenings of their lives, too. I'm grateful my friends are understanding of my non-seasonal, hermit like habits.

Today my friend, Brittany, made my day. Heck, she made my week! She mailed me a book all about poop! That's how awesome she is! Thanks to her, I'll be able to tell the difference between dog and hippo feces. Can't wait to enjoy the book while I take a dump. Dear future friends and boyfriends, this is how you make me feel special. Every time my friends make me smile and laugh it reminds me that I am indeed blessed. The poop book means more to me than I can put into words. How lucky I am to call Brittany my friend.

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you." -Langston Hughes