My Ordinary Reality

If you endure something long enough, it will slowly become your new normal. This post is about my new normal. The forthcoming sentences and pictures have strangely become my ordinary reality during the past few months. It may be disgusting. I can't close my browser to stop being repulsed by my new reality though. I have to deal with this shit no matter how nauseating it is at times. It sucks, but I'm getting better at it.

My preferred way to empty the shit in my pouch into the toilet is to lift the toilet seat and get on my knees to get closer to the water line so that I decrease the amount of splash caused by dumping the shit into the toilet.  This is hard on my knees and troublesome when the floor is wet.  Before I got the ostomy, I would never touch a toilet seat outside of my house. I'm great at squatting and hovering. lol  Now, I find myself touching the toilet seat with my hand in every bathroom I use.  There is nothing neat about dumping the shit into the toilet. Even though I reduce splatter, I do not eliminate it. It is common for shitty toilet water to splash back up onto the toilet rim, my hands, arms, and/or clothes. I use wipes and/or toilet paper to clean the opening of my ostomy before rolling it to close it and sometimes my finger pokes a hole in the wipe/toilet paper causing my finger to make direct contact with shit.

I also come in direct contact with my shit on change days. Scarlett is almost always producing output while I change the ostomy appliance. I inevitably end up getting shit on me during the process. I recorded Scarlett shitting on me this morning, but due to technical difficulties I could not upload the video on here. You'll have to settle for pictures instead.

My stoma is now 7/8", which is just slightly smaller than a quarter.

I set out my ostomy supplies to prepare for change day. 

Oh no, Scarlett is about to blow!

She always thinks it's a good time to shit when she's free. She's a non-stop asshole like that. I'm 30 years old and still shitting myself regularly.  

The feeling of victory when she behaves long enough for me to clean and dry the area, and prepare and apply the adhesive parts of the appliance.

Bring it on, Crohn's Just kidding, please leave me alone.

This photo shows that I am okay. I am making it through this. I am pretty fucking amazing!

A Colonoscopy and a Fistula Sighting!

My colonoscopy was originally scheduled for Tuesday, October 24th. After being on a clear liquid diet and drinking a gallon of prescription laxatives (GoLytely) on the 23rd, my bowels were not cleaned out. I only pooped a handful of times. My doc had me go in to see if they could proceed with the colonoscopy. We couldn't do the colonoscopy, so we rescheduled for today, the 25th. They sent me home with a different laxative (Prepopkit) that I did yesterday, the 24th. The prep still didn't clean me out like it should have, but they decided to proceed with the colonoscopy today anyway.

The first prep, the gallon from Hell, made me nauseous, yet somehow I managed to only vomit once throughout the course of the night. Even when I mixed it with Crystal Light, it was still absolutely disgusting. It was supposed to make me shit my brains out, but I only had about 4 or 5 bowel movements. None of which broke the water line.  It was supposed to make me have three watery and clear bowel movements.  It only turned my turds into what I call dip n dots (my nurse calls them rabbit turds). My poop was still formed, still brown, and still not falling out of my ass at the correct rate. My belly felt bloated and sore.

The second prep was a lot easier. I drank one 5oz. shot of laxatives at 5PM and another 5oz. shot of laxatives at 10:30PM. Before, during, and after, I guzzled lots of water. This one gave me a lot of gas and gas cramps. I had about 8 bowel movements, but each of them contained very little stool. The dip n dots lost a little form with each movement. My poop was still very brown and still not falling out of my ass at the correct rate. When I woke up this morning, my stomach was in knots. By this point, the last time I had solid food was on Sunday. I was hungry, irritable, and frustrated.

When I had my colonoscopy in 2012, I remember that I was not a very nice patient. I was also younger, weaker, and sicker back then. Not being able to pee in cup was a huge issue before my colonoscopy in 2012. I yelled at my nurse in 2012 about not having to go. This time around, my nurse gave me the option to sign a waiver as soon as she took me back stating I wasn't pregnant in lieu of peeing in a cup! It was a huge relief! Another issue in 2012 was that I yelled at my nurse when she couldn't start my IV.  When my nurse could not start my IV today, I did not yell at her. I politely asked if there was someone else that could try.  Diego, a fit, Hawaiian suffer looking nurse came to start my IV. He got it on his first try! Later, Kelly and I laughed about the fact that I remembered his name, but I didn't remember the name of the nurse that failed to start my IV (her name was Carol, btw). My hand still fucking hurts where she missed my vein.

I have come a long way since 2012.  I did not yell at anyone today. I did not curse at anyone today. I think I am mentally and physically stronger than I was in 2012. Sure, the double prep wasn't any fun, but I managed not to lose my temper.  Despite my strictures, fistula, and my upcoming bowel resection surgery, I think I am healthier today than I was back then! It's weird, but that's how well I feel compared to how I've felt in the past.

Our theory as to why the prep didn't work properly is that stool could not pass through one of my strictures, so it was being retained at that point. My doc was able to get the scope through my first stricture in my rectosigmoid junction. However, above the first stricture, my doc encountered an inflamed sigmoid area that would not allow the scope to pass. This is where my second stricture is located. A small fistula was seen in this area. Yes, we finally had a visual of the fistula! We even got a picture of it! My doc changed to a smaller scope, but it still could not pass without risking further intestinal damage. The colonoscopy was aborted at that point. (My old gastro also had to abort my colonoscopy in 2012 because he could not pass the second strictured area either.) Biopsies were taken and the results will be sent to my surgeon.  My gastro mentioned that he did not see any active disease!!! This is huge in confirming that I really have been feeling well aside from the other issues. The strictures appear to be scar tissue.

I feel like shit, but I'm glad this part of my pre-op do-to list is behind me!