See You On The Other Side, Grandpa

My grandpa unexpectedly passed away early this morning. He was 84 years old. To say that today was a rough day would be an understatement. I was woken up by the phone call with the devastating news. I got dressed and went straight to my grandma's where the family was gathering before I really had a chance to cry ugly. I had no comforting words to offer my grandma, dad, aunt and uncles, so I just gave each of them a tight hug. Those hugs probably meant more than words could say anyway.  It was unbearably difficult to hold it together in front of my grandma, but I tried my best. I didn't want to make her more upset, but I'm not sure if she could be more upset than she was.  I know how much I'm hurting and I can't even begin to know how much more painful this is for grandma, dad, aunt diane, uncle mike and uncle don( grandma's kids).  We reminisced, but mostly grandma was concerned about how to pay bills and do other things around the house. My dad, aunt and uncles were concerned about funeral arrangements, burial arrangements and when to go through grandpa's things. We grand kids were kind of left feeling helpless because we don't yet know what to do to help the adults figure this out.

The whole idea of the heart surgery was to help him live longer. I should have prayed harder. It sucks because he would have lived longer without the heart surgery. How could anyone have known that. Just goes to remind me that life is fragile.

Later in the morning I text all of my close friends to call me when they got a chance. I wanted them to know before I posted it for all of my friends to see on facebook. One by one, as those calls came in I stepped outside of grandma's house and walked down the driveway to the sidewalk so that no one would have to listen to the news again or hear me break down. Thank God for caring friends with loving hearts. Too damn bad they're all far away. I cried most of the day today. Headaches from crying are the worst. Obviously, it's understandable, but I can't help feeling depressed. I'm not even in denial about it. There are two ways I know to combat depression: medication and running. Since I'm not a big fan of doctors and meds, I think it's time to start thinking about starting to run again.

I'm hoping to write a post about Grandpa Ace soon but until then here's the story of why I call him Grandpa Ace. We grand kids call him Poppa Ace or Grandpa Ace. He always used to say, "Hey, Ace.," to everyone. So, his brother Len got us to call grandpa "Grandpa Ace" from a very early age and it just kind of stuck. We called them grandpa and grandma Ace and that's how we distinguished between my mom and dad's parents. Len calls grandpa "Shoulders" and I'm not really sure of the story behind that nickname, but the tone in which he says it is filled with brotherly love.

Relationship Status: Dysfunctional

         I would describe my relationship with my pants as dysfunctional. Society, family and friends expect me to wear pants and it's inconvenient for me.  I hate the way the waist of pants feel on my belly. It doesn't matter whether it's high or low, jeans or elastic. You'd think I'd like dresses more than I do. My stomach has been feeling better this past week since I've started cutting back on my iron supplements (I should write a post about that), but pants still annoy me. Ever since I've moved out of my parents house I have disliked wearing pants while I'm at home. When I get home, I take off my bra and my pants to get comfortable. Of course, if my sister's home/awake, I put on some pants if I'm going to be in her company. Otherwise, my pants are off. No pants, no worries.

          I'm so used to taking off my pants when I visit my doctors that I risk taking off my pants at the dentist out of habit. My bad, Doc... those weren't the cheeks you wanted to look between.

Who Am I? - Continued

So, remember from my last who am I post:

• I am spontaneous.
• I am committed.
• I am reasonable
• I am creative.
• I am adventurous.
• I am dependable.
• I am responsible.
• I am easy going.
• I am good-humored.
• I am messy.

 I am spontaneous in that I'd rather go where the moment takes me than plan every moment and life event. If I get the urge to skip, I'm going to skip. I am committed to my words, actions, family and friends. When I say I'm going to do something, I do my best to follow through. I don't ever want my family, friends or employer to question their trust in me, so I'm committed to being a trust worthy gal. I am reasonable. I completely agree with this sensible quote by Rick Warren:

 "Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear and hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense."

I am creative. I love thinking outside of the box. My favorite creative outlet is writing, but I'm also innovative. Just ask me about the potty protection insurance fundraiser I created once. I am adventurous. There isn't a cliff too high, a car too fast or a hiking trail that's too narrow, according to me. I am dependable to a fault. I pride myself on being a person others can rely on. This re-enforces my commitment to others. I am responsible. Yes, responsibility can bore me to tears, but I will always do my best to honor my obligations. I'm sure I'm not the only responsible person who sometimes wants to do what Leann Rimes sings about in her song Destructive. http://youtu.be/mVyV6GY85XU This is actually one of my favorite songs. I am more easy going than water going down an unclogged toilet. My feathers don't get ruffled easily. I know how to go with the flow and I also know how to be the flow. I am good-humored. My humor doesn't shine through on this blog very often, but I promise I am typically a cheerful person with a sarcastic tongue and ear. I love making others smile and laugh even if it's at my expense. There's no doubt that I am messy. I'm naturally unorganized. Unorganized doesn't mean I'm not detail oriented, it's just a chaotic beauty that's all. I tend to be organized at work and school, but not at all at home or in my personal life.

Surprise, I'm me! Who is this me I've been speaking so fondly of? A summary: A sympathetic girl that wants the world to be more understanding and forgiving. A hopeless unromantic. An ambitious realist that is ill suited for dreaming big. A motivational speaker when you need one. An unquestionable friend. A lover of life who can't wait to die.

Update on Grandpa

Today my grandpa had fluid drained from his lungs and he had an oh so lovely colonoscopy. Hopefully, breathing got easier for him after they drained his lungs. They found some sort of blockage during the colonoscopy, which they're supposed to x-ray him tonight to help determine what's causing the blockage. Evidently, there's a tube down his throat for oxygen. He was mostly sedated the whole day today.  The main surgeon said that as long as he doesn't get any infections he's expected to make a full recovery. Sadly, they expect him to be in the hospital for another 3 weeks. Tomorrow they'll put a camera down his throat to check his heart somehow. They said that they may need to open him back up to reset his sternum that may have gotten out of place from the compressions he got to bring him back after he flat lined. I know there's more to his condition right now, but that's all I can remember.

I'm doing what I can to help, but I still feel helpless. I'm also feeling guilty that I'll be leaving in 9 days to go out of town when I may be needed here. I know someone will pick of the slack I leave behind so that I can try to enjoy a short vacation.  Kelly cooked for grandma, Don and Len tonight. I'm taking them out for their weekly steak n' shake run tomorrow night. I'm anticipating to also be making weekly trips to the grocery store with grandma every Monday in the near future. We're trying to keep as many weekly habits as grandma, don and grandpa had before gramps went in for surgery. It's hard... no matter what normalcy we try to create for grandma and don it's not the same and that saddens me. One side of the family seems to be missing in action this week when we could really use all the help we could get from them.

School, what's that? Whatever it is, it's not important right now.

Gas

Did you know that the average person farts about 14 times each day? I forget where exactly I learned that fact. Perhaps it was in one of the many Uncle John Bathroom Readers I've read. Lately, I have certainly been bringing up the average. Flatulence sneaks out of me quickly. Before I realize what escaped my behind, my sisters' eyes start watering. For the most part, I usually feel better after I fart. Sadly, I don't always know a fart is coming until it's too late. Occasionally,  I feel farts coming I know I should not trust.

Kim informed me the other day that she can tell how bad I'm feeling by the smell of the hellish air puffs that come out of my anus. According to her assessment, I'm still not feeling very well. I was impressed because her assessment was correct. It's uncomfortable to hold them in...It builds pressure in my stomach and gives me the feeling I'm going to shit myself. I don't hold them in around family or close friends. When I'm in class, that's the most difficult time to hold them in. I'm not always successful. It would be embarrassing, but honestly there are so many people in the class no one would be able to pin point the fart on me. Thankfully, mine are silent, which may explain the deadly part of it. I've come close to knocking my sisters off their feet. I know I've made them cry more than once.

Rough Week for Grandpa

My uncle mike took my grandma, uncle don and aunt diane over to tampa to visit my grandpa today. My grandpa has been having anxiety attacks whenever nobody is there visiting, which makes his heart rate go up. He's retaining water, so his limbs have been really swollen. He's been constipated and has been getting enemas daily. Today he had trouble breathing, so he was put on oxygen. The oxygen dries out his throat and makes it uncomfortable for him. He still has the external pace-maker and he's still in Intensive Care. His recovery is slow and it seems a new problem arises each day.

My grandma is having a hard time. At first, it was just because she hadn't been able to see him until today. However, now that she's seen his rough condition she's taking it pretty hard. None of us really expected my grandpa to be in the hospital for this long, so now we're taking on additional roles to help grandma out around the house. Mike's helping to figure out what bills need to be paid. Dad's cutting their grass. Mom will be taking grandma bra shopping because she got lost when she tried to drive herself and never made it to the mall. Kelly will be cooking a dinner for her this week. I'm taking grandma grocery shopping tomorrow. I'm sure Leigha and Kim will fill in somewhere.

Mom, Leigha and I picked up my grandpa's older brother, Len, from the airport tonight. Len will be going over to visit grandpa everyday this week. I really hope this will be the boost of hope my grandpa needs to kick start recovery.  We kids may be taking turns driving Len over to visit grandpa so that Mike and dad can get some work done this week. So far, my dad hasn't wanted us to visit because grandpa sits around with no pants on... so we're stuck respecting this decision.

My head is anywhere, but in the game of school. I'm finding it hard to concentrate because my mind is someplace else.

What a Weekend

          I got to the hotel in Sebring, FL around noon yesterday. Thankfully, I transported the glass center pieces in my trunk safely. Taylor was super ahead of schedule, so the tables were ready for the center pieces after I cleaned them. After putting some candles in them and setting up the candy table, I was able to take a three hour nap in our hotel room. While I napped Taylor waited for the cake to be delivered and greeted family and friends arriving to the hotel early to check in.

           Taylor interrupted my nap briefly so that's when I gave her our friendship turd. She originally gifted this turd to me when she wrapped my toilet for Christmas a couple years ago. Basically, the friendship turd signifies that no matter what shit we're going through in life we'll always be there for each other. I told her when she moved that I'd give "The Turd" to her the next time I saw her. She requested that I put glitter on it first, so I painted it with glittery nail polish. Now the glittery friendship turd is in her possession and I'll get it back the next time I see her.

          The party was amazing! The table decor, cake, and candy table were gorgeous. The open bar was open for the whole party from 6pm-10pm. I enjoyed whiskey and coke before I got on the dance floor. The DJ was so great that he even played the Hokey-Pokey for the kids. Taylor pointed out that her grandma dances better than I do and I couldn't argue. I especially loved dancing with the birthday lady to Love Shack by the B52's.  I knew all of the immediate family, which were only a small percentage of all of the party guests. Except for the kids, I think there was only one other single person there besides me, which was obvious whenever slow songs polluted the air. It didn't bother me because that's when the bar area cleared out. The other single person was Taylor's cousin Samantha. I've hung out with Sam before and she's fun. It didn't surprise me when she asked me to dance with her on the final song of the night, which happened to be a slow one. We twirled, rocked back and forth and held hands. lol Then we joked about how we couldn't promise each other a kiss at the end of the night. Overall, the party was a hit. I regret not getting a picture of me in my dress because I think I looked damn good.

          After I helped Taylor break down and clean up, we went up to Mr. and Mrs. Conklin's room to watch her open gifts. Before she opened mine, she predicted that I got her diapers. Does she know me or what! =)  When Mr. Conklin saw the power lift bra, he requested that she put it on. My other gag gifts for her brought smiles and laughter. The gift opening was followed by an after-party in someone's hotel room. Drunk people can be funny as shit. We (Taylor, Kenny and I) didn't stay at the after-party long. I went to bed around midnight, but I was up in the bathroom throughout the night. Thank God for Poo-Pourii... it's a life saver in a hotel room. I ate breakfast with Taylor and her family this morning before loading the center pieces back in my car and heading home.

All My Friends Know

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of friends. In friendships, I look for quality, not quantity. One thing is certain, anyone I consider a friend knows poop makes me smile and laugh. Jokes, books, and videos about poop really lighten my mood. Even though I deal with a shitty disease I'm still able to find the humor in poop, butts and farts. I'm thankful for that. Strangely enough, I feel bad for those who have lost their cockroach. Watch this video to explain the cockroach reference: http://youtu.be/JsinmLHiItI 

I've been having a rough time lately... pain, diarrhea, and fatigue have been beating me up. In times like this, I'm glad I don't have a lot of friends because I feel I don't even have the energy for the friends I do have. I know I'm sleeping my life away, but it means I'm sleeping through life happenings of their lives, too. I'm grateful my friends are understanding of my non-seasonal, hermit like habits.

Today my friend, Brittany, made my day. Heck, she made my week! She mailed me a book all about poop! That's how awesome she is! Thanks to her, I'll be able to tell the difference between dog and hippo feces. Can't wait to enjoy the book while I take a dump. Dear future friends and boyfriends, this is how you make me feel special. Every time my friends make me smile and laugh it reminds me that I am indeed blessed. The poop book means more to me than I can put into words. How lucky I am to call Brittany my friend.

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you." -Langston Hughes

Update on My Grandpa

My grandpa flat-lined last night. The worst part is that after they brought him back to life, he told them NOT to call and tell his family. I'm not sure how my uncle found out while he visited my grandpa today. He now has an external pace-maker. The thought of losing him scares me. He is the glue of the family for my grandma, uncle and aunt. Praying hard... I need a drink.

The Moment When...

The moment when you start looking forward to a relaxing weekend filled with naps and sleeping, and then realize that you have plans.

How sad... I was bummed when I remembered I was going to be busy this weekend. This coming weekend has kind of given me mixed emotions because I originally was excited to go to Mrs. Conklin's 50th birthday party in Lake Placid. But, I thought I'd be feeling better by then and I'm not. This will be my first time seeing Taylor since she's moved away, so I should be stoked. However, I'm dreading how much energy this weekend will take from me: driving to Lake Placid, helping Taylor setup, putting on my happy face and enjoying the party, driving from Lake Placid to Tampa to visit my grandpa, and then driving from Tampa back home.

On a lighter note, what kind of gift do you get for someone turning 50? That's easy, a care package. Here's a list of things I got for the care package:

• Anti-aging lotion
• A pill holder/planner
• Fixodent - denture adhesive cream
• Ointment for arthritis, joint and muscle pain relief
• Disposable underwear
• Tums
• Gerber apple sauce
• A small bag of marbles
• A power lift bra
• Picture frame

I think I've mastered the art of gift giving.

Update: Hearts, School and My Bowels

The doctors told my dad that my grandpa's surgery went fine. My dad got to see him, but he was still knocked out last I heard. Praise Jesus the surgery went well! Thanks for praying. Please continue to pray for his recovery. Before surgery grandpa told my sister that he'd be up chasing the nurses around in no time.

For the record, senior level classes in college are hard. How do so many people graduate? The exam I took today was a challenge. If I had an exam like this when I was a freshman, I would have wanted to quit. Everything about it was scary. lol It was one of the most difficult exams I've ever taken. I never dreamed I'd want to beg for more essay questions until I encountered the multiple choice part of the test I took today. It took me 70 minutes to work through 20 multiple choice questions and the remaining 40 minutes to answer the 5 essay questions. Last semester I took a 50 question, multiple choice exam in 9 minutes. Does that tell you how difficult this one was?   International Financial Management is a complicated subject to say the least.  Exchange rates, currency options, J-Curve effects, economic factors like inflation, interest rates and national income, economic factors' relationship with the strength and weakness of a currency. I love it! I hate it! I need a nap!

I've been having some stomach pain again. My BMs haven't been pretty either, if you know what I mean. Won't this just go away? I don't want to deal with it now. Who am I kidding... I never want to deal with it. If I ignore it, will it go away? Let's see. A friend of mine with UC (ulcerative colitis) told me today that these diseases (IBD: Crohn's and UC) SUCK! She's been there, she knows, she understands and she's right. I'm so glad I met friends like her from Team Challenge.

Pray for my Grandpa

I've been meaning to blog about this sooner, but I kept waiting in hopes to get more information. My family is bad at communicating, so I don't have a lot of info.  Since his surgery is tomorrow postponing this post must end today. My grandpa (dad's dad) is having heart surgery tomorrow to replace a valve and undergo some sort of bypass. Umm, that sounds like open heart surgery. I don't completely understand what that means, but it sounds more serious than my family is treating it. My grandpa will be having the surgery at the VA hospital in Tampa. I've heard that he'll be in the hospital over in Tampa at least a week for recovery after surgery, but when I talked to my grandpa last night he thinks he'll be home by the weekend.  The pre-testing procedures he had done last week have left nasty bruises on his arms. I visited with him yesterday and he seems just as calm as the rest of the family does about it.

Please pray for my grandpa, that the surgery will be successful and without complications, and for a quick recovery. My grandpa's older brother from NJ is flying into town in a week and I pray this will help his recovery.

Can't Get Enough...Sleep

I've been averaging 9 hours of sleep each night during the week. Friday and Saturday nights I've been getting about 12 to 15 hours of sleep each night. That's not including napping hours. It seems that I can't get enough sleep. Do you know that feeling of not being able to fall asleep because you're too rested? Lately, I don't have any trouble falling asleep unless stomach pain makes it difficult.  I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, but sometimes I think it's like a sleep walk, sleep poop kind of thing. I don't struggle to get back to sleep. When I take a nap, I have to set an alarm to wake me up, or else I risk not waking up until the morning. Just yesterday afternoon, I was studying on the couch for my exam on Tuesday and the next thing I know I'm waking up around 9pm thanks to some noisy kids upstairs. I fell asleep. I don't even remember thinking that I was tired. I lost about 5 hours of study time because I unintentionally fell asleep. I stayed awake long enough to move from the couch to my bed. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I was hungry because I wasn't awake to eat dinner last night. I love sleeping, but it makes it hard to live a productive life when all  I ever want to do is sleep.  Am I depressed? I don't think so. Am I sick? It seems I'm almost always sick in some way. Am I tired? I'm so tired that even my tired is tired.

Pet Peeves

A list of a few of my pet peeves. I'm sure there are more, but this is all I could think of at the moment.

• When cell phones make noise. I can handle vibrations to a certain extent, but not ring tones or notifications. Also, if too many notifications come over through vibration, put it on silent.
• When I get stuck in the rain without Rain-X on my windshield. It makes it so that you don't need your wipers if you're going over a certain speed because the water beads right off.
• Toilet paper: it should be soft, double ply and rolled over the top. Trust me, I'm an expert.
• I hate when people roll down windows in the car. The pressure that builds up in the car while it's in motion gives me a headache.
• Public bathrooms: I hate them. I hate having to use them. I hate the workout it is to hold the squatting position.

Underwear

          Underwear, panties, or whatever you call them they're important, right? My undies are so sexy. I hope you can tell that I typed that with sarcasm. No thongs... I need something that will catch any anal leakage and save my pants from farts I shouldn't have trusted. What's not sexy about that?  I don't trust my butt, so I wear panty liners almost daily. Most of the time, I buy cheap packages of 6 underwear because I throw them away when I mess them up, which is more often than I care to admit. I hate taking the time to clean a mess only to have a stain remain. I don't have the knowledge of how to properly clean them or the energy to waste time cleaning my really dirty ones. It's easier and less frustrating to just buy new. It's not like I want buckets lying around with panties I have to scrub or soak. Though maybe I should consider it if it will add to the sexiness factor.  No, thanks. I prefer black underwear, but honestly most of mine are white, bikini style with colorful designs on them. I usually buy them a size too big so that they're not too tight.  I'm most comfortable in high waist underwear because the lower waist isn't as kind to the sensitive part of my belly below my belly button. Sadly, I don't own a lot of high waist underwear because it's weird to have my underwear higher up on my waist than my pants. I mainly just sleep in the high waist ones. The granny panties have to be sexy, right? I know, they are not glamorous, but I find them comfortable. Obviously, I'm not trying to impress anyone, but if I were trying to impress other crohnies, they might admire the comfy, granny panties. lol I typically carry spare underwear with me. There are a few in my back pack for school and usually one in my purse and car just in case. Just in case of what? You don't want to know.

Cimzia - Part 2

          During my big flare of 2012, my doctor pretty much listed and explained the different treatment options and told me to choose one. Shouldn't that be his job? I originally chose Humira, but insurance wouldn't cover it. So, basically it was insurance who picked how I would be treated and they happened to choose Cimzia because of some deal the insurance company has with the pharmaceutical company that makes the drug.

          I went through blood tests, was tested for tuberculosis and my doctor quizzed me on other health issues to make sure it was safe for me to start Cimzia. This is a serious drug and for good reason. I educated myself on Cimzia by reading the medication guide and the fine print of the prescribing information before starting treatment. After reading what I read, I was scared to start Cimzia. It's a relatively new drug and long term affects are unknown. I knew I would be taking it long term as long as my body doesn't build antibodies and reject it. It's not a drug I can go on and off of as symptoms come and go because then it's a higher risk of my body building antibodies against it. The two things that scare me the most with taking Cimzia are the increased risk of developing serious infections that may lead to death and the chances of getting lymphoma or other cancers may increase.

         Health wise, I was in a rough place when I first started Cimzia. Clearly, the risks of taking the drug were worth it as long as Cimzia could relieve me of the horrible Crohn's symptoms I was experiencing. Well, for the most part Cimzia has helped me, but the side effects are sometimes annoying. Which is worse the side effects of Cimzia or the symptoms of Crohn's? Side effects I've experienced have been minor ones compared to some of the ones listed on the medication guide. Some of the side effects listed are:

• Heart Failure (No, I haven't experienced this)
• Nervous System Problems. (No, I haven't experienced this)
• Allergic Reactions. (No, I haven't experienced this)
• Blood Problems (Yes, I'm anemic, but that could be from the disease)
• Upper respiratory infections (Yes, I've experienced this)
• Rash. (No, I haven't experienced this)
• Urinary tract infections (Yes, I've experienced this)
• Injection site reactions (Yes, I've experienced this)

I tried finding constipation listed as a side effect, but I couldn't find it listed. It could be that I missed it. In any case, I swear constipation is a side effect of Cimzia because this crohnie had never experienced it before taking Cimzia. That's probably more than you ever cared to know about Cimzia.

Cimzia - Part 1

          After a couple of weeks with some moderate, uncomfortable stomach pain, I woke up this morning with no pain at all. What a relief! I gave myself the Cimzia injections last night, but I didn't think they'd help this quickly. I was able to take deeper breaths, stand up taller, and walk with a pep in my step. I could...move! I felt like running, which I haven't had the desire to do for nearly two months. So, what is Cimzia and how does it treat Crohn's?

          First, let's look at what Crohn's disease is. It's an autoimmune disease. Basically, my immune system mistakenly attacks bacteria that are naturally present in my gut. I like the paragraph below from http://www.ccfa.org/what-are-crohns-and-colitis/what-is-crohns-disease/ because I think it simply explains it in more detail.

    The GI tract normally contains harmless bacteria, many of which aid in digestion. The
    immune system usually attacks and kills foreign invaders, such as bacteria, viruses,
    fungi, and other microorganisms. Under normal circumstances, the harmless bacteria
    in the intestines are protected from such an attack. In people with IBD, these bacteria
    are mistaken for harmful invaders and the immune system mounts a response. Cells
    travel out of the blood to the intestines and produce inflammation (a normal immune
    system response). However, the inflammation does not subside, leading to chronic
    inflammation, ulceration, thickening of the intestinal wall, and eventually causing
    patient symptoms.

This is really all we need to understand about Crohn's in order to understand how Cimzia treats the disease.

           Second, before I get into how Cimzia treats Crohn's, I want to make sure it's clear that Cimzia does not cure Crohn's it only treats the disease. I know it's crazy about $3,000 each month for a drug that doesn't even cure me. Luckily, with insurance and a co-pay card I get it for free.  Cimzia is a biologic medication, which means its derived, in some way, from living organisms. As you can imagine, biologic meds are complex and I don't even begin to understand how they're made, but it's interesting to research even though the science behind it is way over my head. Cimzia  is used to treat numerous autoimmune conditions, not just Crohn's. The easiest way to explain Cimzia is to cite from its website: http://www.cimzia.com/crohns-disease/crohns-symptoms/crohns-disease-medication-information.aspx

    In people with Crohn's disease, the immune system produces too much of a protein
    called tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-alpha). TNF-alpha triggers inflammation,
    which can lead to inconvenient and often painful symptoms, some of which can cause
    damage to your gastrointestinal tract

    CIMZIA blocks the action of TNF, a substance produced by cells of the immune
    system to induce inflammation. CIMZIA is the first and only PEGylated biologic
    treatment for Crohn's disease. PEGylation has been shown to help the medicine stay
    in the body.

The way I understand it is that TNF is responsible for attacking the good bacteria and causes the inflammation. Cimzia is a TNF blocker, so it blocks the TNF, which reduces inflammation and reduces symptoms. One of the dangerous things about taking a drug that blocks TNF is that I have no immune system that will come to my rescue to fight foreign invaders, like infections.

          In conclusion, sometimes I wonder how I can be okay with injecting such a powerful drug into my body. The body is a temple, right?  Cimzia stops my body from working the way it's supposed to work. My reasoning is that if I left my body alone (without drugs) to work how it's supposed to work, it malfunctions and causes me pain. Sometimes I'm not okay with that reasoning. Especially, when I think of all the side effects and risk factors associated with the drug. I'll save that for the topic of part 2.

Ass Tags

I was just feeling guilty the other day about never getting around to schedule getting skin tags around my anus removed. I thought I was ready, but every time I went to call to schedule the procedure I talked myself out of it. It scares me. My body is slow to heal and my life is too much on the go with work and school and not knowing the exact recovery time and how my body will handle it... well, the excuses are endless. It's pathetic, I know. I was feeling guilty until I got the anticipated bill from my last colon and rectal specialist visit. I pay a co-pay, but then three months after my appointment I get a bill for the additional part insurance won't cover. These appointments are standard. No drugs. Just some fancy machine/monitor that's hooked up to the scope to show images of where the scope is inside my colon. Oh yeah, and my doctor is a big part of that. Her fingers widen the opening where her fingers can reach because it gets so tight. Some people request the procedure to be done while they're under anesthesia, but I don't even want to know how much extra that costs.

I was feeling guilty about not scheduling to get those tags removed, but after getting that bill I'm not really in any hurry because I know getting those tags removed will cost more than a standard appointment since it requires me to be under anesthesia.  It's just another excuse, I suppose. I'd rather go to Texas with that money, which is exactly what I'm going to do. My skin tagged ass will have a great time in Texas.

P.S. I have never been more excited to be a needle bed than I was today. I injected Cimzia into each side of the needle bed, my sensitive belly. Now, we wait.

Summer School - Term A

          Term A of the summer semester started today. I'm taking a senior level, six week course on International Financial Management. I'll have three exams and a team project/presentation within those six weeks. I think I'll have to cut back on naps, but that's okay because I think I'm really going to like the material. I'm hoping that since this is a senior level class the team project won't be such a burden with lazy teammates. In other words, by this point U.C.F.'s college of business should have weeded out the dumb, unproductive people that always find their way to group projects in lower level courses. At least, I'm hopeful. For now, my team consists of three men and a lady (me). We've already picked Google as the company we'll be analyzing and giving our presentation on its 10K report.

          I love to travel and I used to let the lack of time due to school be an excuse not to. My trips to Napa, Nashville, Miami and NY have proved to me that I can go on a short trip and still do well in school. Even if I got a C on my one exam after I returned from NY. I was waiting to get my syllabus today to make sure I wouldn't have an exam on the weekend I want to go to Texas to see my friend, Veronica, and attend the last George Strait concert with her in Dallas. Luckily, the exam that falls closest to the trip is one day before I want to leave and two days before the big show.  I'm excited to talk to her tonight and work out the details. I miss her and her mom.

P.S. I get to give myself injections tomorrow and I couldn't be happier.

Mothers

Two of my sisters and I took my mom to the SAK Comedy Mother's Day improv show to celebrate. It was lots of fun! I loved watching my mom enjoy herself and hearing her laugh. My dad and other sister, Leigha, didn't want to join us and their decision to stay home really annoyed me for some reason. Anyways, no matter how much crap my mom and I give each other I love her like crazy.

I have to give a virtual high five to all you moms out there. I'm not a mother and I don't think I'll ever be a mother. Motherly instincts have never been something I possessed and I just don't want that kind of responsibility. I can't imagine needing to have the energy every day to care for a kid. The super parents out there that have more than one ball of energy make me wonder how it's even possible to survive with kids. There are days when I don't have the energy to even care for myself. I'm a grown adult and my mother still takes care of me when I'm too weak and sick to take care of myself. The job really is never ending and I want to give props to all those who are brave enough to have a kid.

Just an idea... there should be a day to celebrate I'm Never Gonna Be a Mother's Day. Folks can thank me for not breeding and I can enjoy things I like to do. I like pooping in peace and quiet. I like having time to take a nap. I like showers that aren't rushed. I hate having to change my diaper, but I'd rather deal with my shit than someone else's crap. Others would shower me in gifts and kind words of appreciation. It'd also be a good way to let someone know that you think they should be celebrated on Never Gonna Be a Mother's Day by giving them condoms as a gift to celebrate the day. lol

Colors and Fashion

Apparently, I don't have much fashion sense. I think jeans and a t-shirt are a great outfit. Especially, if it's one of my race shirts. My favorite outfit is my PJ's.  At my sister's graduation, I wore black dress pants with a navy blue blouse that had white polka-dots without thinking twice. I was informed more than once that navy doesn't go well with black. Really? They are both dark colors and I thought they went together.  Another instance of my lack of style just happened today while I was out shopping for shoes to go with the dress I'll be wearing at Mrs. Conklin's 50th birthday party. The dress is white on the top and it's some sort of blue color from right above my waist to the bottom. I was looking for some kind of flat, closed toe shoe to go with it. I don't see the big difference between white and cream, but I was informed today that putting a white dress with cream shoes would be a bad idea. I just don't see how it's wrong. I don't look at navy and black together or white and cream together and see a disaster. It seems silly. Am I getting bad intel?

Make a Wish

Before you read the story below, write one wish on a piece of paper.  Don’t wish for more wishes and don’t give your wish to someone else.  Take some time to think about it.

During my very first semester at Valencia, back when it was a Community College, my English composition professor had everyone in the class write one wish on a sheet of notebook paper and pass it forward. The stipulations were that we couldn’t wish for more wishes and we couldn’t give our wish to anyone else. We could write our name at the top of the paper, or we could leave it anonymous. Once professor Sebacher collected all the notebook paper wishes, she read them quietly and sorted them. She was left with two stacks on her desk: One stack of three wishes and the other stack with the rest of the wishes. She picked up the thick stack of wishes and explained that all of those wishes were for money or for something money could buy. Then she picked up the stack that had three notebook paper wishes and read them out loud.

Before I tell you the three wishes, I want to tell you how I decided on my wish since it’s one of the three.  My first instinct was to wish for more wishes for others to use, but she took that option away with the stipulations. Of course, I wish I had more money and better things, but I didn’t want my wish to be selfish because I feel like that would have been a wasted wish. After all I only had one wish and I wanted it to benefit as many people as possible.   I think I started writing my wish before it was even a complete thought: I wish the world would be freed from its suffering. I basically wished for salvation. I put my name at the top of the paper and passed it forward. The three wishes my professor read aloud were:

1.      I wish to pass this class.

2.      I wish everyone would get along.

3.      I wish the world would be freed from its suffering.  

Professor Sebacher looked at me after reading the last one and gave me a nod of approval.  I left that class in disbelief about how selfish and greedy people are.   I wondered what a wish better than mine might look like. A world without suffering would be something like Heaven. I always like hearing my family and friends’ responses when I ask them what their wish would be. What wish did you write down? It’s a cool way to evaluate your perspective.

How-To...

This is a how-to-post on things I know nothing about. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. I’m likely misinformed and have the wrong impression about the subjects.

How to play craps:

1.     Takes at least two players to play.

2.     One person initiates the game by saying, “Crap.”

3.     The first person to take a crap in the toilet wins.

4.     The person initiating the game can’t immediately rush to the bathroom.

How to enable cookies:

1.     Pick up a cookie in each hand. Use two hands and stack them on top of each other if they are big ass cookies.

2.     Look at them like a proud parent would.

3.     Before each bite say things like “Keep it up. You are gonna be the shit.” “You can be anything you want after you get through this.” “Be free.”

How to get rid of fruit flies:

1.     The easiest way to get rid of them is to move far away from them.

2.     If they’re bothering your crops more than they’re bothering you, move your crops far away from them to a safe place away from the fruit flies like underwater.

3.     If moving isn’t an option, take off both of your shoes.

4.     Place your shoes on each hand.

5.     Hold your hands out and try to get a fly in between your shoes.

6.     Once you have a fly in sight, clap your hands together in an attempt to get rid of fruit fly permanently.

7.     Repeat as necessary.

8.     To keep the suckers from returning try spraying some perfume around where they were found.

Am I Getting Better, Or Am I Not?

So, I thought my stomach was just sore from everything it put me through on Monday because it hurt today, but it wasn't like the pain from Monday. My lower abdomen hurt, but I could easily deal with it. However, if I had to give myself injections today, I'd have to learn how to give it to myself in the thighs because my stomach was feeling really uncomfortable. It was sore to touch. It was tough to stand straight. Letting gas out didn't even help, it just knocked everyone else out. My bowels were much calmer during the day today. Today when I went to the bathroom after I got home from work, I thought I was just letting out a lot of gas. Until I looked in the toilet to find an uneasy amount of bloody puss. Whatever is causing this must be causing the pain, too.

Everyone's first reaction is always, "You need to go to the doctor!" And then when I don't go right away, it's suddenly my fault I'm sick. It's one of the reasons I'm trying to down play this whole episode. I love when my one sister asks me, "You're still sick?" Obviously, I'm being sarcastic. I hate it when she does that. If you're sick of me being sick, imagine how sick of being sick I must be.  Listen, I'm due for my injections in less than a week, so I'm going to wait it out and hope they will get things under control. Crohn's is an incurable disease, so it's not like the doctor has answers. He will likely put me on a dose of the mask all the symptoms in the world drug, Prednisone, and I hate being on the steroid. It makes me fucking insane, but I can't deny that it helps.

I really hope this isn't getting serious... How serious does it have to get for me to seek help? I'd hate to blow a $50 copay if I knew I'd be feeling better next week.

A Confession of a Bad Habit

          I've been a nail biter from a very young age. I'm not sure whether it's triggered by nerves, boredom, or stress. All I know is that through my childhood I never had nice nails and it didn't bother me. My mom would paint nasty tasting polish on them, but it didn't stop me for long. The habit stayed with me as an adult. I've had successful periods of quitting this disgusting habit, but I'm still a nail biter. In fact, I started the habit back up at the beginning of the year. Now, I find myself chewing gum every chance I get the urge to nibble on my nails in order to let them grow. It's helping, like it always does for me. Another trick I use is to paint them a new color every Sunday. They are finally getting long enough to paint... growing past the tip of my finger. That's a real victory for a serious nail biter.  I hate painting my nails when they're short enough to tell that they've been chewed. I'll be painting them for the first time this growth spurt on Sunday and I know my mom will be happy when she notices.

I have a confession to ad to the confession: I usually always nibble on my pinkies. When I'm in a growth stage, I don't scold myself for it as long as I leave my other nails alone.

No Cable, No Problem

          I've been without cable for 7 months and I don't miss it. It not only saves money, it also saves time. I can't even imagine how much time I wasted on watching stupid TV shows just because they were on. Granted, I probably spend most of my freed up time taking more naps. At least I think that's time better spent than before. I'm also able to focus more on school work. I like to search the web for interesting articles and research random things like where boats in marinas go to dump their sewage.

          In years past, I used to be a TV junkie. I'd watch almost anything. Not anymore. Now I use my mom's Netflix account and I watch some shows online, but it's nothing compared to the amount of shows I kept up with before.  I don't watch the news anymore and I don't watch sporting events unless I go to my parents or the local sports bar. I follow them online instead. After the show of my life ended in May of 2010, something changed for me. No other show seems to come close to the character developments and smart, quick plots that challenged me to interpret their meanings. People love to hate it, but "LOST" is unquestionably the best in my TV show collection. It's a show that takes time to understand and interpret by re-watching it over and over again. It was a lovely love affair that's for sure.

          A few shows I keep up with now are "Two Broke Girls," "The Big Bang Theory," "Vampire Diaries," "The Following," and "Arrow."

Crappy Cinco de Mayo

I haven't had a day this bad since my big flare of 2012.  I'm scared. I'm in denial. I went to work this morning, but my stomach was in so much pain that I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. When folks said, "Good morning," all I wanted to do was cry. Thankfully, I was able to go home and sleep. On the drive home, I held the seat belt off my stomach with one hand as I drove with the other.  My nap was interrupted with trips to the bathroom much like the night before. This will go away. I shouldn't freak out. I'll be better tomorrow, right? My stomach is feeling a little better since waking up from my nap. It doesn't mean I want to get up and move. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep until I'm better.

Why?

          Why am I unbearably tired? Why do I struggle to wake up? Why do I find it such a chore to do everyday things like shower and get dressed? Why does exerting energy one day take it's toll on me the next couple of days? Why does this have to be my normal? Why do I try hard to look alive and energetic around family and friends?

          Google the Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. It does a pretty good job at explaining what it feels like to be me lately.

Kim Makes me Proud...Again

          It has been a long time coming, Kim will be graduating with her A.A. degree from Seminole State College tomorrow. The graduation will be held at the CFE Arena at UCF, my home away from home. Kim has worked unbelievably hard to do her very best in every class she has taken. She consistently forwent fun in order to study more. I have great respect for her work ethic and her ability to chase her dreams fearlessly. She's graduating as a member of the honor society Phi Theta Kappa and she's also graduating summa cum laude, which is the highest of three degrees of praise as noted on a diploma. That's my sister!!!  In the fall, Kim will begin her undergraduate studies at UCF by pursuing a degree in Sport and Exercise with Specialization in Human Performance. Her dream is to become a physical therapist and this is the next step for her to get there. We're going to downtown Disney to celebrate today! She told me last night, "Not even this rain can erase the smile from my face." I love her!

Regression Analysis

I learned some pretty cool things this semester from my financial models class and I want to highlight some of my favorite models. So, I'll start with regression. What the heck is regression?

Regression is a statistical measure that attempts to determine the strength of the relationship between one dependent variable (usually denoted by Y) and a series of other changing variables (known as independent variables, or X).  It attempts to fit a model to observed data in order to quantify the relationship between the X variables and the Y variable. The fitted model may then be used either to merely describe the relationship between the two groups of variables, or to predict new values. I hope that's not complete gibberish to you.

Open this link to look at an example:  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1JFx1Oa8K8XF6W2F6Qze9wSvLRVy1-ISU49uZuE0J9h0/pubhtml

You may have to scroll up and down by using the arrows on the keyboard in the example. I had to publish the example in Google Docs because I couldn't figure out how to upload the excel file, so if you want to try to run the regression just copy and paste it into excel.

In order to be able to run the regression in excel you'll need to download the Analysis ToolPak by clicking file, options, Add-Ins and then select Analysis ToolPak and click go. Check mark the Analysis ToolPak and click ok. This will create a new tab at the top called Data. In the Data tab at the far right select "Data Analysis" and find "Regression" in the drop down menu and click ok.

For the Input Y Range select the price label and all of the prices.

For the Input X Range select the square feet label through the land label and the 40  cells below.

Check mark the Labels options. This will make it easier to read the regression results.

Make sure New Worksheet Ply: is selected before clicking ok.

Look at that beauty above! That's the regression output.

R Squared = .619, which means that this model explains 61.9% of the price. It's the measure of fit.

The coefficient for the intercept is the alpha and the coefficients for the x variables are their betas, so the equation we would use to appraise a home is as follows:

Price = 48,348 + 33*square feet + 4,941*water front -5,585*school zone + 6,263*land

I could go on and on about all the numbers in the regression, but I think I'll stop there. If you managed to stay with me all the way through, thank you.

Semester in Review

Wow, it's May already! I have challenged myself to blog every day in May. Don't worry I'll understand if you can't keep up. After all, it's unlikely I'll run out of things to write about. On the first post of the month, I'll bore you with my review of this semester and each of the three classes I took.

First, Quantitative Business Tools II, as I've called it before ECO 3411 was downright horrible. I'm still not sure what this class was supposed to be about. Was it statistics or was it economics? I don't even think the professors knew what material to teach or how to teach it. I managed through the semester with a professor change halfway through. They both sucked equally. I spent the whole time wondering if the knuckle heads were ever going to start teaching something. They never did. I didn't read the book the professors co-authored together because it was even more unbearable than the class itself. They spent most of the lectures bragging about how this isn't how your typical Quant II class is taught at other institutions and they made it sound like that was supposed to be a good thing. I don't think they ever proved their point. I got through the semester by teaching myself from the sample projects, homework, and practice exams. I even carried over some things I learned from Financial Models and applied it to some of the stats we did using regression. I'll be doing a post about the regression model tomorrow, so get excited. I learned nothing from this class. It was a waste of time and money.

Second, Legal and Ethical Environment of Business, aka Business Law, aka BUL 3130 was a really interesting class. It was all concepts, which is okay I just prefer to deal with numbers and math and money. I didn't get the professor I registered for because he passed away a few days before the semester started. R.I.P. Dr. Lako, I heard you were one of the best at UCF. The professor I had flew by the seat of his pants. He lectured 3 hours every week without any prompts or power-point. My writing hand got conditioned to taking notes for three hours. Although if I could do it again, I'd use my computer to type the notes like a savvy high-tech student. He's a practicing lawyer so he was able to give real life case examples from his experience. Two life lessons I learned from this class are to never co-sign for anyone and to always get a prenuptial agreement. Other things I learned about were contracts, the UCC, consumer protection laws, property law, businesses and their formation and their advantages and disadvantages. People are crazy, this world is crazy and our laws are sometimes even crazier. Cabbage heads, which is what my professor liked to call jurors, will most likely be complete, unpredictable idiots. If you don't believe me, I'll give you a case example that will blow your mind. Just ask.

I saved my favorite for last, Financial Models, FIN 4453. The professor for this class was one of the best I've had at UCF, Yoon Choi. He knew the material well, was a natural lecturer and was even unintentionally funny. He's been published in financial magazines and has attended meetings with top financial experts that are famous in the finance world. He's brilliant and his passion for the subject definitely was contagious. I'll be posting some of my favorite models I learned in later posts. I learned simple and multiple regression, solver function, matrix algebra, sharpe and Jensen ratio to value a mutual fund, and style analysis. These were juicy with numbers just like I love. It was challenging and great!