I consider myself pretty disconnected from the world because I don't have cable television. In fact, I often intentionally avoid media news. I first learned of the mass shooting at Pulse nightclub in Orlando through posts on Facebook early Sunday morning. Immediately I pulled a live news feed up on my laptop to learn all that I could about the horrific event.
I am sickened by this weekend's violent attacks in Orlando. I am shocked, heartbroken, and numb. Pulse is a mere 3 miles away from where I sleep at night. I drove by Pulse 17 hours before the shooting began on my way home from my Saturday morning run. Orlando is my City!
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Friday, March 6, 2015
I Cried Today
Today was my Grandpa Ace's birthday. He passed away last May, so this was the first time he wasn't here on his Earthly birthday. Thankfully, I worked the early shift today and got off work around 5pm, so I was able to have dinner with my dad, uncle and grandma ace tonight. I hugged my grandma a little tighter than usual to let her know that I love her. If today made her emotional, I didn't see any signs of it. I held my tears until my drive home and then the flood gates opened. I cried because I miss him. I cried because I want to talk to him and he's not here. I know he would be proud of me for getting into car sales because he was a salesman most of his life. I cried because he won't be around to celebrate with when I graduate from UCF. I cried because I can't see him smile. I cried because I can't see his eyes squint and nose wrinkle when he laughs at something funny I said. Like today on the way to dinner when grandma butt dialed someone and my dad and I had to explain what "butt dial" meant. I said it basically means there's an asshole on one end of the line.
I cried today, and that's okay. On Sunday, my family is getting together at my grandma's house to carpool to the graveyard so that they can put new flowers around his tombstone. I'll be at work, so I'll miss the waterworks for that, but if I get off work on time (which never happens), I'll swing by my grandma's for dinner on Sunday.
I cried today, and that's okay. On Sunday, my family is getting together at my grandma's house to carpool to the graveyard so that they can put new flowers around his tombstone. I'll be at work, so I'll miss the waterworks for that, but if I get off work on time (which never happens), I'll swing by my grandma's for dinner on Sunday.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
I Cried a River
My Grandpa Ace's brother, Len, came into town Friday morning for the three hour viewing that night and the funeral on Saturday. Grandma Ace and Len emotionally embraced when he arrived at grandma's house. It stirred me deep because they probably had the closest relationship with my Grandpa. My Grandma's sisters and nieces from Jacksonville came, too. Along with Grandma's four children and seven grandchildren to add to the support system. Friends and family friends were all an added bonus.
I wasn't sure what to expect for the viewing. I just knew I wasn't particularly fond of the idea of seeing his dead body. We all walked into the funeral home together, signed the guest book and entered the chapel where Grandpa was in his casket. Beautiful bouquet's and stands of flowers sent by family and friends surrounded the open casket draped with a flag. A slide show of pictures played to the side. Tears rolled uncontrollably. Grandma, Uncle Don, my Dad and Uncle Mike alternated between standing and sitting in the front row pew to greet people and accept their condolences. Uncle Len took the second row behind Grandma with Grandma's sisters. Aunt Dianne, Uncle Merle, Shaun and Merle's mom sat awkwardly on the opposite side of the pews that seemed like a world away. My mom, myself and the rest of the grandchildren sat in the third and fourth rows behind Uncle Len. Folks trickled in to pay respect to grandpa and his family. As time went on I moved to sit with my Uncle Len so that we could console each other. Len's wife doesn't fly, so he made the trip alone. One of grandpa's golf buddies put a golf ball in with Grandpa. This inspired Len to want to put a baseball in with him, so one of my dad's friends brought a baseball. All of the family signed the baseball and Len was honored to put it in Grandpa's left hand since he was a lefty. The whole event was emotional, but especially to witness other's reactions and love for Grandpa and to see how much pain Grandma and Uncle Len were experiencing. Emotions were also heightened for me whenever someone I knew came... folks from work, family and neighbors. People care and that touches me.
I had a better idea of how the funeral was going to go because I helped with it. As soon as we walked into the church the waterworks started for Uncle Len, which in turn made me lose it. Grandpa's flag draped casket was front and center surrounded by the same beautiful flowers as the night before. I was too much of a mess to properly greet friends. I cried harder when I saw them because it meant a lot to know they cared enough to show up. No one probably noticed the music playing before the service started, but I made that play list (Blessed Assurance - Matthew West, Homesick - MercyMe and Home Free - Wayne Watson). The Chaplin opened with a prayer. Following the prayer he read the bio of grandpa I wrote. It made my day when he said the word 'booger.' Next, we watched a slide show of pictures and then listened to the song How Great Thou Art by Michael W. Smith. The Chaplin preached about how Heaven is grandpa's next chapter, which was followed by the song Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin. During this song, was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. The service ended with a prayer. It was short and bitter sweet. I couldn't make my way to Uncle Len fast enough. I knew he needed a hug as did I. I also selected the postlude play list (Save a Place for Me - Matthew West and See You Again - Carrie Underwood). Friends came and hugged me afterwards. I wasn't much company to keep... I don't even think I said anything to anyone. Following the funeral, we went to the grave site for the burial. My eyes started crying again when two men in uniform folded an American flag and presented it to my Grandma.
I wasn't sure what to expect for the viewing. I just knew I wasn't particularly fond of the idea of seeing his dead body. We all walked into the funeral home together, signed the guest book and entered the chapel where Grandpa was in his casket. Beautiful bouquet's and stands of flowers sent by family and friends surrounded the open casket draped with a flag. A slide show of pictures played to the side. Tears rolled uncontrollably. Grandma, Uncle Don, my Dad and Uncle Mike alternated between standing and sitting in the front row pew to greet people and accept their condolences. Uncle Len took the second row behind Grandma with Grandma's sisters. Aunt Dianne, Uncle Merle, Shaun and Merle's mom sat awkwardly on the opposite side of the pews that seemed like a world away. My mom, myself and the rest of the grandchildren sat in the third and fourth rows behind Uncle Len. Folks trickled in to pay respect to grandpa and his family. As time went on I moved to sit with my Uncle Len so that we could console each other. Len's wife doesn't fly, so he made the trip alone. One of grandpa's golf buddies put a golf ball in with Grandpa. This inspired Len to want to put a baseball in with him, so one of my dad's friends brought a baseball. All of the family signed the baseball and Len was honored to put it in Grandpa's left hand since he was a lefty. The whole event was emotional, but especially to witness other's reactions and love for Grandpa and to see how much pain Grandma and Uncle Len were experiencing. Emotions were also heightened for me whenever someone I knew came... folks from work, family and neighbors. People care and that touches me.
I had a better idea of how the funeral was going to go because I helped with it. As soon as we walked into the church the waterworks started for Uncle Len, which in turn made me lose it. Grandpa's flag draped casket was front and center surrounded by the same beautiful flowers as the night before. I was too much of a mess to properly greet friends. I cried harder when I saw them because it meant a lot to know they cared enough to show up. No one probably noticed the music playing before the service started, but I made that play list (Blessed Assurance - Matthew West, Homesick - MercyMe and Home Free - Wayne Watson). The Chaplin opened with a prayer. Following the prayer he read the bio of grandpa I wrote. It made my day when he said the word 'booger.' Next, we watched a slide show of pictures and then listened to the song How Great Thou Art by Michael W. Smith. The Chaplin preached about how Heaven is grandpa's next chapter, which was followed by the song Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin. During this song, was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. The service ended with a prayer. It was short and bitter sweet. I couldn't make my way to Uncle Len fast enough. I knew he needed a hug as did I. I also selected the postlude play list (Save a Place for Me - Matthew West and See You Again - Carrie Underwood). Friends came and hugged me afterwards. I wasn't much company to keep... I don't even think I said anything to anyone. Following the funeral, we went to the grave site for the burial. My eyes started crying again when two men in uniform folded an American flag and presented it to my Grandma.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
A Half Truth
I wish writing was my secret passion. Okay, that's a half truth. So, from now on can we keep the fact that I like to write between you and me? You wouldn't ask me to paint you a picture, so I ask that you not request me to write anything either. I can't remember ever saying that I was a good writer. If I did, I regret it. I guess there's no hiding my hobbies from family though. I wrote my grandpa's obituary this morning, which should be published in tomorrow's Orlando Sentinel. It was depressingly easy to compose. Tonight my dad and Uncle Mike asked me to write a funeral biography that they need by tomorrow morning. They gave me a list of facts about grandpa including, where he was born, education, work history, family, and hobbies. Obviously, they have a better picture of his life than I do because they're grandpa's children. Though this is just supposed to be a short biography, I feel I won't do him justice. Am I really the best person to be writing this? Well, I have some writing to do.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Life is Unpredictable
Yesterday, I decided to cancel my trip to Texas. The major deciding factor was that we still have no clue when the funeral is going to be. (I have a $430 credit with Southwest that's good for a year, so I get to plan a replacement vacation soon.) Dad isn't the best at communicating, so it's been a slow process of dealing with the hospital, funeral home and finding out if grandma has any input she wants to add, which she as made clear she wants no part in planning it. Autopsy or no autopsy, open or closed casket, viewing, memorial, funeral and/or burial? Selecting burial plots and caskets are difficult decisions. My dad asked me this morning if I would be willing to write grandpa's obituary. I'm all for challenging writing prompts, but not like this one. I silently regretted my decision to agree to write his obituary. Thankfully, I came up with a list of optional facts about grandpa to mention in the obituary and gave it to my dad and uncle mike. Since we're limited to a certain number of lines once they tell me what they want mentioned, it should make my job a little easier. I'll just have to put the info and facts into sentences with kind sentiments if space allows.
Death is very messy emotionally, physically, and materialistically. I couldn't contain my emotions when I spoke with my professor yesterday about grandpa. I sobbed so much that she didn't need a "documented" reason for me to miss the exam this week. My tears were proof enough, I guess. Heck, she was so nice she even gave me a hug. I cried today while I was thinking about grandpa on my way to school. I'm grateful I had the chance to take him to a UCF football and baseball game. I loved showing him around my school. He was my valentine this year when I took him to the UCF baseball game for opening knight on valentine's day. Materialistically, there are so many things to sort out: Activate his life insurance, cancel his credit cards, dispose of all his meds at the police department, transfer all of the bills into grandma's name, transfer car title into grandma's name, contact social security... help grandma learn how to pay bills.
Death is very messy emotionally, physically, and materialistically. I couldn't contain my emotions when I spoke with my professor yesterday about grandpa. I sobbed so much that she didn't need a "documented" reason for me to miss the exam this week. My tears were proof enough, I guess. Heck, she was so nice she even gave me a hug. I cried today while I was thinking about grandpa on my way to school. I'm grateful I had the chance to take him to a UCF football and baseball game. I loved showing him around my school. He was my valentine this year when I took him to the UCF baseball game for opening knight on valentine's day. Materialistically, there are so many things to sort out: Activate his life insurance, cancel his credit cards, dispose of all his meds at the police department, transfer all of the bills into grandma's name, transfer car title into grandma's name, contact social security... help grandma learn how to pay bills.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
See You On The Other Side, Grandpa
My grandpa unexpectedly passed away early this morning. He was 84 years old. To say that today was a rough day would be an understatement. I was woken up by the phone call with the devastating news. I got dressed and went straight to my grandma's where the family was gathering before I really had a chance to cry ugly. I had no comforting words to offer my grandma, dad, aunt and uncles, so I just gave each of them a tight hug. Those hugs probably meant more than words could say anyway. It was unbearably difficult to hold it together in front of my grandma, but I tried my best. I didn't want to make her more upset, but I'm not sure if she could be more upset than she was. I know how much I'm hurting and I can't even begin to know how much more painful this is for grandma, dad, aunt diane, uncle mike and uncle don( grandma's kids). We reminisced, but mostly grandma was concerned about how to pay bills and do other things around the house. My dad, aunt and uncles were concerned about funeral arrangements, burial arrangements and when to go through grandpa's things. We grand kids were kind of left feeling helpless because we don't yet know what to do to help the adults figure this out.
The whole idea of the heart surgery was to help him live longer. I should have prayed harder. It sucks because he would have lived longer without the heart surgery. How could anyone have known that. Just goes to remind me that life is fragile.
Later in the morning I text all of my close friends to call me when they got a chance. I wanted them to know before I posted it for all of my friends to see on facebook. One by one, as those calls came in I stepped outside of grandma's house and walked down the driveway to the sidewalk so that no one would have to listen to the news again or hear me break down. Thank God for caring friends with loving hearts. Too damn bad they're all far away. I cried most of the day today. Headaches from crying are the worst. Obviously, it's understandable, but I can't help feeling depressed. I'm not even in denial about it. There are two ways I know to combat depression: medication and running. Since I'm not a big fan of doctors and meds, I think it's time to start thinking about starting to run again.
I'm hoping to write a post about Grandpa Ace soon but until then here's the story of why I call him Grandpa Ace. We grand kids call him Poppa Ace or Grandpa Ace. He always used to say, "Hey, Ace.," to everyone. So, his brother Len got us to call grandpa "Grandpa Ace" from a very early age and it just kind of stuck. We called them grandpa and grandma Ace and that's how we distinguished between my mom and dad's parents. Len calls grandpa "Shoulders" and I'm not really sure of the story behind that nickname, but the tone in which he says it is filled with brotherly love.
The whole idea of the heart surgery was to help him live longer. I should have prayed harder. It sucks because he would have lived longer without the heart surgery. How could anyone have known that. Just goes to remind me that life is fragile.
Later in the morning I text all of my close friends to call me when they got a chance. I wanted them to know before I posted it for all of my friends to see on facebook. One by one, as those calls came in I stepped outside of grandma's house and walked down the driveway to the sidewalk so that no one would have to listen to the news again or hear me break down. Thank God for caring friends with loving hearts. Too damn bad they're all far away. I cried most of the day today. Headaches from crying are the worst. Obviously, it's understandable, but I can't help feeling depressed. I'm not even in denial about it. There are two ways I know to combat depression: medication and running. Since I'm not a big fan of doctors and meds, I think it's time to start thinking about starting to run again.
I'm hoping to write a post about Grandpa Ace soon but until then here's the story of why I call him Grandpa Ace. We grand kids call him Poppa Ace or Grandpa Ace. He always used to say, "Hey, Ace.," to everyone. So, his brother Len got us to call grandpa "Grandpa Ace" from a very early age and it just kind of stuck. We called them grandpa and grandma Ace and that's how we distinguished between my mom and dad's parents. Len calls grandpa "Shoulders" and I'm not really sure of the story behind that nickname, but the tone in which he says it is filled with brotherly love.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
What Would You Do?
My friend, Veronica, proposed the question: What would you do if you were told that you didn't have that much time left to live? She was prompted by this question because her boss has cancer and he has stopped responding to treatment. Honestly, I don't have time to blog right now, but that's the whole idea isn't it. Time is a selfish bitch. I have projects to finish, deadlines to meet and finals to study for. All of my sleeping and napping has put me over two weeks behind in one of my classes with finals a week away. I can only imagine feeling like I don't have time to be sick if I was given an expiration date.
I know that my days here on earth are limited, yet I don't live like today will be my last. I lost my bucket list on my old laptop when it died a couple months ago otherwise I'd share it. Sure, I have a list of things I want to do before I die. However, if I knew when my expiration date was, I don't think I'd go on a mission to check as many things off my bucket list as I could. Rather, I'd spend as much time with family and friends as possible. It would be awesome to go somewhere on a trip with them to celebrate my life together. I'd try to mend my dysfunctional relationship with my sister, Leigha. The people in my life matter to me and if I knew when my time was going to be up, I'd take extra care beforehand to make sure each of them knew how they've enriched my life.
I'd likely quit my job. Perhaps that's giving up hope, since I only work so that I can afford to live and cross things off my bucket list. Why waste time working if living won't be an expense for much longer? I'd prefer to spend my time writing my autobiography and publishing it to leave behind in hopes that at least one person will be inspired by my story. Then, if I get cured from my imminent death and live longer than my expiration date, I could make my new living as an author.
I've already checked some pretty incredible things off my bucket list:
I know that my days here on earth are limited, yet I don't live like today will be my last. I lost my bucket list on my old laptop when it died a couple months ago otherwise I'd share it. Sure, I have a list of things I want to do before I die. However, if I knew when my expiration date was, I don't think I'd go on a mission to check as many things off my bucket list as I could. Rather, I'd spend as much time with family and friends as possible. It would be awesome to go somewhere on a trip with them to celebrate my life together. I'd try to mend my dysfunctional relationship with my sister, Leigha. The people in my life matter to me and if I knew when my time was going to be up, I'd take extra care beforehand to make sure each of them knew how they've enriched my life.
I'd likely quit my job. Perhaps that's giving up hope, since I only work so that I can afford to live and cross things off my bucket list. Why waste time working if living won't be an expense for much longer? I'd prefer to spend my time writing my autobiography and publishing it to leave behind in hopes that at least one person will be inspired by my story. Then, if I get cured from my imminent death and live longer than my expiration date, I could make my new living as an author.
I've already checked some pretty incredible things off my bucket list:
- Skydive - check
- Run a marathon - check
- Ride in a hot air balloon - check
- Run across the Golden Gate bridge - check
- Swim with manatees - check
- Visit NYC - check
- Visit Washington D.C. - check
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