Goodbye for Now, Uncle Don

Upon walking into the viewing yesterday, Grandma began weeping. While standing next to the open casket of her dead son she cried, "What am I going to do without you?" "I love you so much!" "How am I going to live without you?"

I lost it instantly (So much for my plan to be in control). I sobbed for Grandma's pain.  Somehow I found myself next to Grandma supporting her, but there was no way I was going to regain my composure by the time the service started if I stayed with her. It was so bad that my dad asked me if I was going to be able to give the eulogy. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but I told him, "Yes."

Family, friends, and co-workers gave their condolences. My mom saved the day by taking my place next to Grandma so that I could collect myself. I went into the bathroom, took deep breaths, blew my runny nose, and wiped my eyes. I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself.  I saw a young woman growing up much too quickly. It wasn't a kid looking back at me, it was an adult. I stopped crying and told myself, be their rock. They need you to be strong and to honor Don.

After I left the bathroom in control, I met with the pastor. He went over the service and told me when I would be introduced. My dad asked me not to look at him while I was speaking. Right before the service started, I placed my notes on the podium and I moved to the front row with my Uncle Mike, which was right in front of Grandma. The Pastor lead us in hymns, scripture, and prayer, and then he introduced me.

I walked up to the podium and looked out into the audience before I started speaking. There were at least 50 people in attendance.  I introduced myself and thanked everyone for being there. After a short intro, I began telling family favorite memories we have of Don and I followed with my personal favorite stories I have of my Uncle. In all, there were 10 stories I told.  I held it together until the end of my last story. "He truly believed in me and I'll never forget that." Although I didn't cry at this part, my voice cracked and I had to take a beat before finishing with the short conclusion.

To end, I looked over at the open casket three feet to my left and said, "Don, there is no doubt that you are loved and you will be missed dearly." I was holding it together until I heard my Uncle Mike in the front row catch his breath. I glanced up and that's when I lost it. I choked out "Keep Grandpa out of trouble in Heaven for us. Goodbye for now." I left the podium in tears and took my seat next to Uncle Mike. He gave my leg a reassuring squeeze. The pastor gave a final prayer and it was over.

Afterwards, a lot of people came up to me and said what a wonderful speech I gave and that Don would be proud. Others mentioned that they wouldn't have been able to do what I just did. I met two of Don's co-workers from Red Lobster. He worked there for 39 years and he worked with them for 19 of those years. They had really nice things to say about him and thought of him like a brother. The one brought a Red Lobster name tag with Don's name on it pinned to a rose and asked if she could put with him in the casket. I nodded my approval.

In the car ride to graveside, my Grandma asked me if she could have a copy of my speech. I gave her the notes I read off of. The next day (today), when Kim was visiting my Grandma, Kim said that Grandma told her that it meant a lot to Grandma that I gave her my speech and that she has read it multiple times already.

That was probably the hardest fucking thing I've ever done.

Emotions and Writing a Eulogy

I did it, I finished writing the eulogy I am going to give tomorrow at my uncle's funeral service. I didn't memorize it because I'm going to intentionally read it off the papers in front of me so that I will be less likely to lose control of my emotions.  If I had to get up in front of everyone without a valid opportunity to look away from my family weeping in the audience, there's no way I'd be able to finish it with dry eyes. 

Of course, I cried while penning my tribute to Uncle Don. I'm going to spend most of my time reminiscing about cherished family memories followed by personal favorite stories I have of my uncle. The following may or may not escape from my mouth tomorrow: "I was also told to picture the audience naked. Nice underwear, Uncle Mike." It's not all that light hearted, but I believe the overall tone will be a celebratory tribute memorializing Don's life. I pray somehow my words tomorrow will bring comfort to those mourning my uncle. As terrible as it sounds while I was writing it, I kept thinking the next eulogy I write will probably be for my grandma. That's just how my mind works. Note: My grandma is finally starting to get over her cold.


I hope that I will remain composed during the time I am front and center. I plan to shut off the water works the best I can until after I give my speech. Call me emotionally detached, but I really think that is how I will deliver it the best.  I am doing it to honor Don and to help everyone else, so I just think it's better for me to be in control. I still plan to speak with love and feelings and pitch changes, I just don't plan to do it through tears, sobs, or ugly crying.

If you know me, you know I'm not the biggest fan of emotions and feelings. Well, when I was about to leave work on Thursday, I told one of the ladies (the office mom) to have a nice weekend. She questioned where I was going to be on Friday (today), so I explained that I have family coming into town for my uncle's funeral that's on Saturday and I have to finish writing the eulogy I'm giving. Except, out of nowhere, tears start falling down my cheeks. I hate that I cried at work. The lady was really nice, gave me a hug and told me to tell her if I need anything. Wish me luck!

Goodbye Uncle Don

After work last Wednesday, I went to my Grandma's. I called her around 6PM to let her know I was on my way and to make sure she already ate dinner. To my surprise she hadn't eaten dinner yet, so I stopped at Jersey Mike's to get her favorite cheesesteak for her. Once I got to her house, she already had the table set and a glass of ice cold water for me. We ate and I told her about my exciting day at work. We watched TV after I was done with the dishes. She let me control the remote, so we watched The Big Bang Theory. Judging by her laughs, I think she enjoyed the show as much as I did. My Uncle Mike came over close to 8PM and him, Grandma and I went to the hospital to visit Uncle Don.

Don was still in ICU, so he had his own private room. He had a breathing apparatus on so it was hard to see his face. Plus, he was hooked up to multiple machines and tubes. When Uncle Mike announced "Hey Don, look who came to see you. It's Lauren!" It was difficult to tell if he opened his eyes, but he made a few grunting noises of acknowledgement. I squeezed his hand and told him to "Hang in there." He seemed pretty out of it the entire time though. Nurse Luke was in every few minutes checking on Don, adjusting fluids, administering shots, etc. Grandma stood on one side of Don while Mike stood on the other. I sat in a chair by the door most of our visit. We stayed for just over two hours. To pass the time, I told Mike about my job and how exciting contracts are. We also talked about the Disney Marathon I just finished. As far as Don's status the nurse said they were waiting for a bed to open at a different hospital so that they could transfer him and run tests to see if he is a candidate for certain type of heart surgery.

By the time we got back to Grandma's, we said goodbye to Mike, and I put my PJ's on. I was super tired, but I stayed up and watched the news with Grandma for a little while. Before I headed to bed, I told her I'd be leaving at 6:45AM in the morning.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling like shit with a killer headache and a runny nose. I had a feeling I would get sick because my grandma was sick and all the germs at the hospital, but I didn't think I would get sick that quickly. My Grandma was already awake eating toast and drinking coffee at the table when I woke up. We ate together and she seemed a little offended when I told her I didn't want to read the paper. I felt a little bad rushing to leave on time because I didn't plan on her being up in the morning to spend time with.

While trying to survive at work feeling like crap, I found out that Uncle Don took turn for the worst overnight and the nurses said the next few days will be "crucial". This turn of events meant that he was no longer even a candidate for the tests they originally planned to run. At this point, we were not expecting a miracle, we were hoping he didn't suffer.

Around 4AM on Saturday, January 14th, 2017, Don passed away. He had two bad heart valves and in the end his heart failed. He was only 62 years old. Even though deep down I prepared myself for his passing, it still made me emotional.  He spent just over four weeks in the hospital. I'm thankful he is no longer suffering. It also hurts my heart to see my Grandma go through the pain of losing someone again. I know it's been a tough time for my dad as well, but I'm inspired by the love he shows my Grandma (his mom). I hate that I saw him on his death bed because that is not how I wish to remember him.  At the moment, I'm feeling emotionally numb.

Uncle Don and Grandma Update

My Uncle Don is still in the hospital. This is what I know... He is still in ICU. He is breathing on his own. He still has a feeding tube. He is no longer sedated, but he is considered to be in ICU psychosis. He is saying really weird shit and has very brief moments of clarity.   He is supposedly hallucinating. He has a bed alarm on in case he tries to move. He also has some kind of gloves on so that he can't pull out any of the tubes he's hooked up to. He has always had a mental handicap, but it has never been diagnosed so no one really knows how to properly describe the condition of his state of mind. He is convinced the doctors and nurses are trying to kill him because he knows my grandpa (his dad) died in a hospital.  Now the biggest concern is that he is experiencing irregular heart beats (Afib).  The doctors have already suggested that heart surgery may be necessary. The same heart surgery my grandpa died while trying to recover from.  I think my dad and his twin might have to make a difficult decision regarding heart surgery because my grandma does not want to make that decision knowing that's what killed her husband. Prior to Don's hospital visit, we were already aware that his heart valves weren't functioning at full capacity.

My grandma has been on a bunch of medication for whatever the heck is ailing her. The doctors couldn't give a clear diagnosis (I seriously hate health care! Does anyone ever get any real answers?). I actually visited her yesterday. It seems she has aged a lot in the past few weeks. While she's trying to get better, it is obvious that she is taking Don's hospitalization pretty hard. She blames herself for not getting him to the doctor sooner because she thought he just had a cold. It's hard for her to see Don in his current state of psychosis, but she still visits him everyday at the hospital.

My dad is not a very emotional person. Even though he is not affectionate, I get choked up to see how much effort he is putting forth to visit Don and making sure my grandma is taken care of.  My dad was telling me that when Don started going off on one of his crazy rants the other day, he started tickling Don's feet...which made Don start laughing and stop talking crazy.  I thought that was a sweet gesture of love.

This Christmas was NOT Normal

My Uncle Don went to the hospital on Thursday. He was diagnosed with pneumonia and sepsis and has been sedated since Friday. He's been in ICU and was given a 50/50 chance. On Christmas the doctors were uncertain if it had in fact been pneumonia or if it was RSV. The non-answers and wishy-washiness gives me dejavu from when my Grandpa Ace was in the hospital. Are doctors really that clueless? I'm uncertain what changed today, but he was updated to critical, but guarded.  While others have been visiting him in the hospital, I have not. There are a lot of contagious things, especially in ICU and I do not want to expose my immune system. My Grandma Ace came down with a cough today, which is how my Uncle's health issues started (Don lives with Grandma Ace), so now I can't even visit my Grandma. I think my dad is going to take her to the doctor in the morning to make sure it's nothing more than a common cold. It really is a messy situation and it has been understandably hard on my Grandma Ace. I feel helpless, but as selfish as it is I cannot risk my good health.

Since I got off work early on Friday, I stopped by my Grandma Ace's house to visit her and see how she was doing. Strangely enough, I woke up barfing Friday Night into Saturday morning. Now, it could be totally unrelated to the health of my Uncle and now my Grandma's possible health issues, but it freaked me out. I felt so bad that I completely skipped my run that I was supposed to lead. I didn't bring my phone with me when I moved to the couch to sleep after barfing the first time. When I woke up, I had lots of missed calls and messages from my running group. Not only did I feel terrible from vomiting and being sick to my stomach (I'm not pregnant), I also felt terrible for missing the run and leaving everyone out of the loop. My group was understanding and my ugly stepsister proved to be a great friend by calling and messaging to check up on me throughout the day on Saturday and Sunday. It's great when new friends genuinely care about you.

Thankfully, I am feeling better and my Uncle Don is stilling hanging on! This Christmas was anything but normal. We are hopeful that Uncle Don will keep improving slowly.

I Cried Today

Today was my Grandpa Ace's birthday.  He passed away last May, so this was the first time he wasn't here on his Earthly birthday. Thankfully, I worked the early shift today and got off work around 5pm, so I was able to have dinner with my dad, uncle and grandma ace tonight. I hugged my grandma a little tighter than usual to let her know that I love her. If today made her emotional, I didn't see any signs of it. I held my tears until my drive home and then the flood gates opened. I cried because I miss him. I cried because I want to talk to him and he's not here. I know he would be proud of me for getting into car sales because he was a salesman most of his life. I cried because he won't be around to celebrate with when I graduate from UCF. I cried because I can't see him smile. I cried because I can't see his eyes squint and nose wrinkle when he laughs at something funny I said. Like today on the way to dinner when grandma butt dialed someone and my dad and I had to explain what "butt dial" meant. I said it basically means there's an asshole on one end of the line.

I cried today, and that's okay. On Sunday, my family is getting together at my grandma's house to carpool to the graveyard so that they can put new flowers around his tombstone. I'll be at work, so I'll miss the waterworks for that, but if I get off work on time (which never happens), I'll swing by my grandma's for dinner on Sunday.

Long Day and a Great Class

My day started by taking my grandma to the grocery store and dentist. At the dentist, she had to cancel grandpa's upcoming appointment and explain why. That was difficult for me to witness and hard for grandma not to get choked up. Today is my grandma's and grandpa's anniversary and they would've been married for 61 years. According to grandma the secret to a long marriage is to put up with each other's bullshit and accept your differences. She misses the loving banter that used to go back and forth between the two of them. Anyone else in the room might have thought they were arguing, but that was their way of loving each other. It was a sad day for grandma. She said she's not yet ready to visit grandpa's grave, but she's starting to look in the floral area of Publix so she'll know what kind of flowers to bring him when she is ready.

After the morning with grandma, I went to work for a few hours before heading to U.C.F. I stopped by the bookstore to buy the required textbook and trade-book. I know, I waste so much money at the bookstore and as a finance major I should be ashamed. Except I'm not. If I was spending someone else's money, I'd be smarter with it. There are better, cheaper ways to go about getting textbooks, but I'm too lazy to go those routes for myself. The campus bookstore is just so easy...expensive, but easy. Plus, I'm such a dork, or idiot, that I like to buy to keep the book because I think I'll go back later and read the book or use it as a reference. Actually, I have used many of my other books as references, so I'm not completely nuts. Anyway, my class is on professional selling. I chose it as an elective because the very essence of business is buying and SELLING. I wasn't disappointed with the first class. It always surprises me when I learn stuff that I can use in the real world. This class will sharpen my interview skills and help me build my personal brand. Thus, making me more employable. It will also teach me how to close a deal, accept a deal and a little on negotiations. Though my professor is a little crazy, he really cares that the students have the skills they need to have a job waiting for them after graduation.  That's an ambitious dream I'm not even brave enough to dream of yet because I know I don't yet have interview skills. My professor went around the room telling the 50 students his first impression of them. His impression of me was that I'm a good team player. What? He doesn't even know my name yet and that is spot on. I'm sure glad I decided to wear business casual to class, after all I am in the college of business.

Life is Unpredictable

          Yesterday, I decided to cancel my trip to Texas. The major deciding factor was that we still have no clue when the funeral is going to be. (I have a $430 credit with Southwest that's good for a year, so I get to plan a replacement vacation soon.)  Dad isn't the best at communicating, so it's been a slow process of dealing with the hospital, funeral home and finding out if grandma has any input she wants to add, which she as made clear she wants no part in planning it. Autopsy or no autopsy, open or closed casket, viewing, memorial, funeral and/or burial? Selecting burial plots and caskets are difficult decisions. My dad asked me this morning if I would be willing to write grandpa's obituary. I'm all for challenging writing prompts, but not like this one. I silently regretted my decision to agree to write his obituary. Thankfully, I came up with a list of optional facts about grandpa to mention in the obituary and gave it to my dad and uncle mike. Since we're limited to a certain number of lines once they tell me what they want mentioned, it should make my job a little easier. I'll just have to put the info and facts into sentences with kind sentiments if space allows.

          Death is very messy emotionally, physically, and materialistically. I couldn't contain my emotions when I spoke with my professor yesterday about grandpa. I sobbed so much that she didn't need a "documented" reason for me to miss the exam this week. My tears were proof enough, I guess. Heck, she was so nice she even gave me a hug. I cried today while I was thinking about grandpa on my way to school. I'm grateful I had the chance to take him to a UCF football and baseball game. I loved showing him around my school. He was my valentine this year when I took him to the UCF baseball game for opening knight on valentine's day. Materialistically, there are so many things to sort out: Activate his life insurance, cancel his credit cards, dispose of all his meds at the police department, transfer all of the bills into grandma's name, transfer car title into grandma's name, contact social security... help grandma learn how to pay bills.

New Circumstances, New Responsibilities

          In the wake of my grandpa's death, I find myself with new responsibilities. Though family and friends have stocked her fridge and kitchen with food for the week, my grandma still wants to go on her weekly grocery store run tomorrow. So, I'll be taking her to Publix after I get out of class tomorrow afternoon. While her and I are out we'll be stopping by CVS to refill one of her prescriptions. I'm dreading the CVS stop because I'm supposed to ask the pharmacist the proper way to dispose of all of grandpa's medicine. After returning to my grandma's house, I'll likely stay and help with dinner. I'm sure she'd enjoy my company after dinner even if I plan to study for my exam that's on Thursday.

          We don't yet know when the viewing and funeral will be, which makes planning my week difficult. If it's during the week, I can still go to Texas. However, if it's next weekend, I'll cancel my trip. Hopefully, I can get a voucher of some sort for my flight if I need to so that I don't lose the money I spent on airline tickets. I know I'll be able to sell my George Strait ticket on short notice, so I'm not concerned about that. I'm going to talk to my professor tomorrow to see what options I have if the funeral happens to be at the same time as my exam on Thursday. I have class 4 days a week, Monday through Thursday from 2pm-3:50pm. I'm also going to talk to Paul, the guy that sits next to me in class, to see if he can email me his notes in the event I have to miss class.

P.S. It was nice of grandma's sisters, Nancy and Judy, to come down from Jacksonville to see grandma today.