Upon walking into the viewing yesterday, Grandma began weeping. While standing next to the open casket of her dead son she cried, "What am I going to do without you?" "I love you so much!" "How am I going to live without you?"
I lost it instantly (So much for my plan to be in control). I sobbed for Grandma's pain. Somehow I found myself next to Grandma supporting her, but there was no way I was going to regain my composure by the time the service started if I stayed with her. It was so bad that my dad asked me if I was going to be able to give the eulogy. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but I told him, "Yes."
Family, friends, and co-workers gave their condolences. My mom saved the day by taking my place next to Grandma so that I could collect myself. I went into the bathroom, took deep breaths, blew my runny nose, and wiped my eyes. I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. I saw a young woman growing up much too quickly. It wasn't a kid looking back at me, it was an adult. I stopped crying and told myself, be their rock. They need you to be strong and to honor Don.
After I left the bathroom in control, I met with the pastor. He went over the service and told me when I would be introduced. My dad asked me not to look at him while I was speaking. Right before the service started, I placed my notes on the podium and I moved to the front row with my Uncle Mike, which was right in front of Grandma. The Pastor lead us in hymns, scripture, and prayer, and then he introduced me.
I walked up to the podium and looked out into the audience before I started speaking. There were at least 50 people in attendance. I introduced myself and thanked everyone for being there. After a short intro, I began telling family favorite memories we have of Don and I followed with my personal favorite stories I have of my Uncle. In all, there were 10 stories I told. I held it together until the end of my last story. "He truly believed in me and I'll never forget that." Although I didn't cry at this part, my voice cracked and I had to take a beat before finishing with the short conclusion.
To end, I looked over at the open casket three feet to my left and said, "Don, there is no doubt that you are loved and you will be missed dearly." I was holding it together until I heard my Uncle Mike in the front row catch his breath. I glanced up and that's when I lost it. I choked out "Keep Grandpa out of trouble in Heaven for us. Goodbye for now." I left the podium in tears and took my seat next to Uncle Mike. He gave my leg a reassuring squeeze. The pastor gave a final prayer and it was over.
Afterwards, a lot of people came up to me and said what a wonderful speech I gave and that Don would be proud. Others mentioned that they wouldn't have been able to do what I just did. I met two of Don's co-workers from Red Lobster. He worked there for 39 years and he worked with them for 19 of those years. They had really nice things to say about him and thought of him like a brother. The one brought a Red Lobster name tag with Don's name on it pinned to a rose and asked if she could put with him in the casket. I nodded my approval.
In the car ride to graveside, my Grandma asked me if she could have a copy of my speech. I gave her the notes I read off of. The next day (today), when Kim was visiting my Grandma, Kim said that Grandma told her that it meant a lot to Grandma that I gave her my speech and that she has read it multiple times already.
That was probably the hardest fucking thing I've ever done.
