Being Worth Knowing

Am I worth knowing? Yes! Perhaps my value slightly varies in different relationships, but I hope some core values are similar. Here's a short list of benefits I think I give to the lucky few that know me.

• I try to be positive and uplifting. I will never intentionally bring you down.
• I'm a great encourager and motivator, so share your goals, dreams and fears with me.
• I'm outgoing, love trying new things, and I'm versatile in that I'm always down for staying in.
• I'm actually a great, non-judgmental listener.  Let me be your solutions partner.
• I'm dependable. You can count on me.
• I'm honest and strive to act with integrity. You won't be ashamed to know me.
• I love sharing my sense of humor and craziness.
• I need you! I'm interested in you. I want to know you. Plus, I have problems of my own and I need others to reciprocate the support and interest.

Am I worth knowing? Of course, I think I am. Interestingly, I don't think everyone is worthy of getting to know me though. Wow, that makes me sound vain. Am I digging myself in a hole, or am I making any sense?  If I'm interested in knowing you, I must think you're worthy of knowing me. I don't want to give the benefits to someone that will take advantage of them. However, I want my friends and family to take advantage of these benefits because I know they are worth the relational investment.  I want my relationships to be a two way street.

What makes me worth knowing? What makes me worthy of knowing you? Are the answers to these two questions similar?

Theory On Why I Feel Well

Why do I feel fantastically well? Iron supplements make my body suck. Seriously, I vaguely remember feeling this well earlier in the year, but then poof, the feeling was gone. I experienced unrelenting pain, ugly poops and exhaustion during March, April and May. I started taking iron supplements in the beginning of March to help with my anemia. I thought I started to feel bad because it was the anemia finally catching up with me, not because of the iron I started taking.  At the end of May, I cut back on the iron supplements to see if it would help me feel any better. Strangely enough, I almost instantly started feeling better. This can't be a coincidence.

I admit, I'm an idiot when it comes to being chronically ill. Sadly, I know I should keep a daily health diary to track these things, but I don't. I hate that it took me three months to figure out why I was feeling like shit all the time. Can I really blame myself? I mean, the symptoms I was experiencing felt like a mild Crohn's flare. Usually flares aren't something I have the power to overcome without medication. How was I to know it was the stupid iron that was causing it?  The only reason I started taking the iron was because my dr. told me to... maybe he's the idiot. The only reason I took the recommended amount for as long as I did was because my family scared me with stories of Crohn's patients dying when they stopped taking iron like their doctors recommended. So, I took those damn green turd makers like my life depended on it. Geez, I must be a super idiot since I listened to those idiots. Iron, yet another reason I'm skeptical of doctors and advice from family.

Warning, TMI:  My poops have been beautiful! Heck, they've even been a pleasurable experience lately. I love not feeling pain after I take a poop. I love moving without the constant stomach pain slowing me down. I love wanting to experience life. I never know how long it will last, so I best be sure to take advantage of feeling well.

Keeping Secrets

I don't consider myself a secretive person; however, I do appreciate my privacy. Yes, I think there's a difference between secret and private, so I looked it up to see if someone has already defined the differences. Sure enough, someone has... I agree with the definitions from this site: http://www.jung-at-heart.com/jung_at_heart/private-vs-secret-what-is-t.html

"Keeping something private is an act of choosing boundaries and staying comfortably within them."

"Keeping something secret is an act of hiding from the pain of disclosing something shameful"

I'm an open book, at least I think I am. If you want to know something, I'll most likely tell you what I know. I don't think I have anything to hide. The most secretive thing I do is pretend to feel well when I feel like crap. The biggest lie I tell is, "I'm doing great."  In my opinion, secrets are a form of lying. After all, secrets are essentially withholding the truth from people.  Sure, I appreciate honesty when folks tell me their secrets, but at the same time they're withholding the truth from someone else. In turn, I then have to withhold the truth from someone else and I don't really want to be caught up in the drama of secrets and lies.

Your secrets are safe with me, but that doesn't mean you should unload your heaviest burden on me.  The simple fact if I don't have the power to help you or if I frequently hang around the people you wish to keep this secret from, the new found knowledge causes me anxiety. Anxiety causes stress and stress is a possible factor in causing flares. So, for my health I usually don't want to know your secrets.  I want my friends and family to trust me; however, I don't want to be in the drama this trust sometimes creates. So, as a life rule I have a no secrets policy, which means not keeping secrets mine or otherwise. But, when folks spring their secrets on me without warning, I feel obligated to keep them so that I don't jeopardize the trust in our relationship.

I am currently keeping two secrets for other people. That number could be higher... At the moment, I remember only those two secrets though.  I tried to forget about them, but I can't. So, now they just weigh on my mind because I'm not at liberty to liberate the knowledge from my brain since they aren't my secrets to tell. It's a pain. Certain people could really benefit from the knowledge I have. It's frustrating.

Please, keep your secrets to yourself. Thank you.

I'M EXCITED!

Okay, so I'm a fan of J.J. Abrams. He's a screenwriter, producer, director and author. He's co-creator and producer of 'Lost' and 'Fringe' and director of Star Trek, Mission Impossible and Super 8. He even has his own production company, Bad Robot. I'm interested in anything this guy touches. His unlimited creativeness and twisting plot lines make me giddy.  Well, my sister brought to my attention that he co-authored a book... The story of "S"! This is like no book you've ever read before. The book will be delivered in 2-3 business days and I'm already in love with the idea of it. Read about it in the link below.


http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2013/11/the-story-of-s-talking-with-jj-abrams-and-doug-dorst.html

Long Day and a Great Class

My day started by taking my grandma to the grocery store and dentist. At the dentist, she had to cancel grandpa's upcoming appointment and explain why. That was difficult for me to witness and hard for grandma not to get choked up. Today is my grandma's and grandpa's anniversary and they would've been married for 61 years. According to grandma the secret to a long marriage is to put up with each other's bullshit and accept your differences. She misses the loving banter that used to go back and forth between the two of them. Anyone else in the room might have thought they were arguing, but that was their way of loving each other. It was a sad day for grandma. She said she's not yet ready to visit grandpa's grave, but she's starting to look in the floral area of Publix so she'll know what kind of flowers to bring him when she is ready.

After the morning with grandma, I went to work for a few hours before heading to U.C.F. I stopped by the bookstore to buy the required textbook and trade-book. I know, I waste so much money at the bookstore and as a finance major I should be ashamed. Except I'm not. If I was spending someone else's money, I'd be smarter with it. There are better, cheaper ways to go about getting textbooks, but I'm too lazy to go those routes for myself. The campus bookstore is just so easy...expensive, but easy. Plus, I'm such a dork, or idiot, that I like to buy to keep the book because I think I'll go back later and read the book or use it as a reference. Actually, I have used many of my other books as references, so I'm not completely nuts. Anyway, my class is on professional selling. I chose it as an elective because the very essence of business is buying and SELLING. I wasn't disappointed with the first class. It always surprises me when I learn stuff that I can use in the real world. This class will sharpen my interview skills and help me build my personal brand. Thus, making me more employable. It will also teach me how to close a deal, accept a deal and a little on negotiations. Though my professor is a little crazy, he really cares that the students have the skills they need to have a job waiting for them after graduation.  That's an ambitious dream I'm not even brave enough to dream of yet because I know I don't yet have interview skills. My professor went around the room telling the 50 students his first impression of them. His impression of me was that I'm a good team player. What? He doesn't even know my name yet and that is spot on. I'm sure glad I decided to wear business casual to class, after all I am in the college of business.

And Just Like That My Break Is Over

I finished my final exam for summer A term on Thursday. Mistakenly, I thought my class for summer B term started on Tuesday, but I just looked up my schedule and realized that it starts Monday (tomorrow)! So, my four day break ended up being cut short at three days. At least I made the most of it. I mowed my grandma's yard on Friday and helped my dad and uncle trim overgrown tree limbs. By the way, I'm becoming quite a mower. Oddly enough I actually like mowing the lawn and wish my grandma's yard was bigger.  I'm confident enough now to put it as a skill on my resume if for some reason I think it would relate to whatever job I'll be applying for.  Saturday, I went parasailing and got to hang with my favorite sister, Kim, for the day. We binge watched Dexter on Netflix after our adventure at sea. Once Kim left I took a five hour nap. I napped through dinner and woke up around 10pm. Today, I went for a run. It was short and ugly, but my stomach felt great before, during and after the run. That's a win in my book.  That's what I can do with a three day break... imagine if I had a whole week. Five more classes to go before I graduate from U.C.F.

Parasailing

I went parasailing with my sister, Kim, today!  I don't know what I expected, but it definitely beat my expectations. It seriously felt like we were flying! We flew higher than the birds. I live for little adventures like this. Kim and I even faced our irrational fears of the ocean and let the captain of the boat dip our feet in the water as we made our decent back to the boat.

 

 

I'm so happy we got to tandem because it gave us more time in the air and I think we had more fun enjoying the experience in the air together than we would have had separately.

 

If you ever have the opportunity to parasail, go! You'll feel liberated and you won't regret it! I'll totally go again.  



I Did What?

Summer term A was a rough six week semester. I took International Financial Management, FIN 4604, as an elective. I believe it was the most challenging course I've taken at U.C.F. thus far. The subject matter of exchange rates, interest rates, currency movements, international risk factors, etc... was next level stuff. It took some work to wrap my head around how everything relates and reacts to each other. Thankfully, I had a fantastic professor that really allowed me to learn like I never have before. Forget memorizing the material, she taught me how to apply the theories and methods to real world stuff. The exams were definitely senior level with a mix of essay and multiple choice questions. At first I was daunted by the essay questions, but throughout the semester I began to love the essay questions better than the multiple choice questions because the multiple choice questions were down right difficult. I'd spend up to three minutes on non-math problems thinking them through to select the best answer. I had to apply what I learned to answer and advise the questions/situations of the firm. It was like I was a business manager.

Halfway through the short semester was when my grandpa passed away. My professor was kind enough to give me some time to regroup before I took the midterm. My head was not in the game. I scored 95% on my first exam and dropped to 87.5% on the midterm. I found it hard to concentrate. I wanted to stop going to class. Even though I skipped a couple classes, I faked it until I made it.  I went to class when I didn't want to. I studied when I wanted to quit. It's a good thing because I ended up getting 100% on the final. That's the highest grade I've gotten on an exam at U.C.F. And it just so happened to be the most challenging class I've taken. What gives? Why me? There's nothing like success to make me want to keep going.

It's That Time Again

It's time to make a training schedule and start training for a marathon. Physically, I feel amazing.  No matter how often I dislike my body and all its issues, I am always amazed at how well it can perform athletically given a certain degree of health and preparation. I've only ran once since March 22nd. Sadly, I'm what folks in the sport call 'out of shape.' I have exactly 206 days to prepare for the marathon I'm registered for.  206 days is plenty of time to go from out of shape, barely able to run a mile without stopping, to marathon runner. Isn't that amazing? I don't follow any particular training plan. I've read a few books on the subject of marathon training though. Overall, I like to make a tentative training plan with wiggle room to adjust mileage with how I'm feeling. I also don't intend to train for over 18 miles. Yes, I know a marathon is 26.2 miles. So, what about those other 8.2 miles? Maybe one day I'll train for all of the miles, but not this time. Honestly, 18 miles is enough as long as I'm not going for a personal record.

I mentioned above that I feel amazing physically; however, mentally is a different story. I know running is as much mental as it is physical. That's why I'm hoping running will help strengthen my mentality.  Lately, I feel like I've lost confidence in myself, others and circumstances. I feel like I've lost control of my emotions. I really hate not being able to stop the tears that fall from my eyes. I also hate not always knowing what caused them to fall in the first place. I try not to give in to it all. I'm kind of going through the motions of faking it until I make it out of this funk. Fake it until I make...It's worked for me before.

Confession Time

I'm sitting in bed as I type this. The catch is that I'm supposed to be at UCF for my class that started at 2pm. I wish I could say this is the first time I've taken off work to go to school only to skip class so that I can go home to rest instead.  The thing is...I feel good, no pain, regular poop, and my energy is better than it's been in months. Why did I skip school today with the final exam tomorrow?  I don't have an excuse or rational explanation other than I didn't want to go to class. What's up with that? Depression? Grief?

I was supposed  to go parasailing with my friend, Gabriel, this Saturday, but his babysitter cancelled and he in turn cancelled our parasailing plans. Fret not, I'll be going parasailing with my sister, Kim, instead. Times like these make me thankful I don't have any kids. Don't get me wrong, I understand putting family and kids first. I'm just not at the stage in my life where I want to put others before myself. I don't typically have that kind of energy and I have too much I want to accomplish before I'll be ready for that. I totally confess that I don't know if I'll ever be ready to constantly put others first. Does this make me a bad person? 

I'm the Pooper That Poops on the Party

I hate having to be a party pooper, but two incidents lately have made me one. The first incident happened at work. I work with my sisters and we like to have fun. We shoot each other with rubber bands, give each other love punches in the arm as we pass each other in the hall, etc... Well, I was at the scanner scanning a file and Kim sneak attacked me from behind with a paper box lid. She hit me in the back with the lid. I admit it wasn't very hard and at first I laughed it off. Until, I went to sit down at my desk and realized she bruised my spine. This sounds insane, however if you've seen my spine you'd understand. My spine protrudes out past my back and it's quite sensitive. Even sitting in chairs without cushion on the back for long periods of time bruise it. I was left explaining to Kim that I know it was all in good fun, but honestly it hurt.

The second incident happened at my parents' house this weekend. I gave myself injections on Friday and it went as well as they usually do. It isn't until the needles are inside my belly that I wonder how I have the strength and will to stab the needles into my skin. Sure, I experience some pain with injecting myself. Honestly, with all the pain my stomach has endured internally I don't really notice that it hurts. Occasionally, the injection spots get sore externally and this time it was the right side injection area that was tender to touch. I just kept my waist bands below the tenderness and avoided lying on my belly. While I was playing cornhole with my dad today him and my sister, Kelly, thought it'd be fun to chuck the eight bean bags at me in close range. Naturally, two of the bean bags hit my sore injection spot.  I dropped to the ground like I had been shot. They were just fucking bean bags for crying out loud. It took a minute for me to catch my breath and explain my reaction. I didn't mean for them to feel bad about it. I know it was all in good fun, but, damn, it hurt.

I hate being a wimp. I hate that my body seems so fragile. It takes forever for my body to heal. I don't like ruining everyone's fun and being a party pooper, but I also don't like being hurt for stupid reasons like a box lid or bean bags. I just wish I could be tough all the time. The funny part is that I don't consider my family to be violent.

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I Cried a River

          My Grandpa Ace's brother, Len, came into town Friday morning for the three hour viewing that night and the funeral on Saturday. Grandma Ace and Len emotionally embraced when he arrived at grandma's house. It stirred me deep because they probably had the closest relationship with my Grandpa. My Grandma's sisters and nieces from Jacksonville came, too. Along with Grandma's four children and seven grandchildren to add to the support system. Friends and family friends were all an added bonus.

          I wasn't sure what to expect for the viewing. I just knew I wasn't particularly fond of the idea of seeing his dead body.  We all walked into the funeral home together, signed the guest book and entered the chapel where Grandpa was in his casket. Beautiful bouquet's and stands of flowers sent by family and friends surrounded the open casket draped with a flag. A slide show of pictures played to the side. Tears rolled uncontrollably. Grandma, Uncle Don, my Dad and Uncle Mike alternated between standing and sitting in the front row pew to greet people and accept their condolences. Uncle Len took the second row behind Grandma with Grandma's sisters. Aunt Dianne, Uncle Merle, Shaun and Merle's mom sat awkwardly on the opposite side of the pews that seemed like a world away. My mom, myself and the rest of the grandchildren sat in the third and fourth rows behind Uncle Len. Folks trickled in to pay respect to grandpa and his family. As time went on I moved to sit with my Uncle Len so that we could console each other. Len's wife doesn't fly, so he made the trip alone. One of grandpa's golf buddies put a golf ball in with Grandpa. This inspired Len to want to put a baseball in with him, so one of my dad's friends brought a baseball. All of the family signed the baseball and Len was honored to put it in Grandpa's left hand since he was a lefty. The whole event was emotional, but especially to witness other's reactions and love for Grandpa and to see how much pain Grandma and Uncle Len were experiencing.  Emotions were also heightened for me whenever someone I knew came... folks from work, family and neighbors. People care and that touches me.

          I had a better idea of how the funeral was going to go because I helped with it. As soon as we walked into the church the waterworks started for Uncle Len, which in turn made me lose it. Grandpa's flag draped casket was front and center surrounded by the same beautiful flowers as the night before. I was too much of a mess to properly greet friends. I cried harder when I saw them because it meant a lot to know they cared enough to show up. No one probably noticed the music playing before the service started, but I made that play list (Blessed Assurance - Matthew West, Homesick - MercyMe and Home Free - Wayne Watson). The Chaplin opened with a prayer. Following the prayer he read the bio of grandpa I wrote. It made my day when he said the word 'booger.' Next, we watched a slide show of pictures and then listened to the song How Great Thou Art by Michael W. Smith. The Chaplin preached about how Heaven is grandpa's next chapter, which was followed by the song Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin. During this song, was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. The service ended with a prayer. It was short and bitter sweet. I couldn't make my way to Uncle Len fast enough. I knew he needed a hug as did I. I also selected the postlude play list (Save a Place for Me - Matthew West and See You Again - Carrie Underwood). Friends came and hugged me afterwards. I wasn't much company to keep... I don't even think I said anything to anyone. Following the funeral, we went to the grave site for the burial. My eyes started crying again when two men in uniform folded an American flag and presented it to my Grandma.

A Half Truth

I wish writing was my secret passion. Okay, that's a half truth. So, from now on can we keep the fact that I like to write between you and me? You wouldn't ask me to paint you a picture, so I ask that you not request me to write anything either. I can't remember ever saying that I was a good writer. If I did, I regret it. I guess there's no hiding my hobbies from family though. I wrote my grandpa's obituary this morning, which should be published in tomorrow's Orlando Sentinel. It was depressingly easy to compose. Tonight my dad and Uncle Mike asked me to write a funeral biography that they need by tomorrow morning. They gave me a list of facts about grandpa including, where he was born, education, work history, family, and hobbies. Obviously, they have a better picture of his life than I do because they're grandpa's children. Though this is just supposed to be a short biography, I feel I won't do him justice. Am I really the best person to be writing this? Well, I have some writing to do.

Life is Unpredictable

          Yesterday, I decided to cancel my trip to Texas. The major deciding factor was that we still have no clue when the funeral is going to be. (I have a $430 credit with Southwest that's good for a year, so I get to plan a replacement vacation soon.)  Dad isn't the best at communicating, so it's been a slow process of dealing with the hospital, funeral home and finding out if grandma has any input she wants to add, which she as made clear she wants no part in planning it. Autopsy or no autopsy, open or closed casket, viewing, memorial, funeral and/or burial? Selecting burial plots and caskets are difficult decisions. My dad asked me this morning if I would be willing to write grandpa's obituary. I'm all for challenging writing prompts, but not like this one. I silently regretted my decision to agree to write his obituary. Thankfully, I came up with a list of optional facts about grandpa to mention in the obituary and gave it to my dad and uncle mike. Since we're limited to a certain number of lines once they tell me what they want mentioned, it should make my job a little easier. I'll just have to put the info and facts into sentences with kind sentiments if space allows.

          Death is very messy emotionally, physically, and materialistically. I couldn't contain my emotions when I spoke with my professor yesterday about grandpa. I sobbed so much that she didn't need a "documented" reason for me to miss the exam this week. My tears were proof enough, I guess. Heck, she was so nice she even gave me a hug. I cried today while I was thinking about grandpa on my way to school. I'm grateful I had the chance to take him to a UCF football and baseball game. I loved showing him around my school. He was my valentine this year when I took him to the UCF baseball game for opening knight on valentine's day. Materialistically, there are so many things to sort out: Activate his life insurance, cancel his credit cards, dispose of all his meds at the police department, transfer all of the bills into grandma's name, transfer car title into grandma's name, contact social security... help grandma learn how to pay bills.

New Circumstances, New Responsibilities

          In the wake of my grandpa's death, I find myself with new responsibilities. Though family and friends have stocked her fridge and kitchen with food for the week, my grandma still wants to go on her weekly grocery store run tomorrow. So, I'll be taking her to Publix after I get out of class tomorrow afternoon. While her and I are out we'll be stopping by CVS to refill one of her prescriptions. I'm dreading the CVS stop because I'm supposed to ask the pharmacist the proper way to dispose of all of grandpa's medicine. After returning to my grandma's house, I'll likely stay and help with dinner. I'm sure she'd enjoy my company after dinner even if I plan to study for my exam that's on Thursday.

          We don't yet know when the viewing and funeral will be, which makes planning my week difficult. If it's during the week, I can still go to Texas. However, if it's next weekend, I'll cancel my trip. Hopefully, I can get a voucher of some sort for my flight if I need to so that I don't lose the money I spent on airline tickets. I know I'll be able to sell my George Strait ticket on short notice, so I'm not concerned about that. I'm going to talk to my professor tomorrow to see what options I have if the funeral happens to be at the same time as my exam on Thursday. I have class 4 days a week, Monday through Thursday from 2pm-3:50pm. I'm also going to talk to Paul, the guy that sits next to me in class, to see if he can email me his notes in the event I have to miss class.

P.S. It was nice of grandma's sisters, Nancy and Judy, to come down from Jacksonville to see grandma today.