The MRI

I know this post is super delayed, but I have been busy surviving.

Once I checked in at the imaging place on Friday morning, I had to drink three bottles of barium. It tasted like cold, chalky fake-grape liquid. Thankfully, it didn't make me gag and I was able to finish each bottle in the time limit I was given, 15 minutes for each bottle. By the time I was on my third bottle there were about 15 other people in the waiting room and I was the only one that had to drink the barium.

The nice MRI Tech, Lisa, called me back. On our walk to the room she said this is the most complicated MRI. She asked if I had anything metal on and I didn't, so I was able to wear my clothes. When we got to the room, she asked me to climb onto the table. She then had me lay down and slide to a certain point on the table. Lisa strapped some kind of foam thing with holes in it that was attached to the table over my abdomen. She tried for an IV in my right arm, but my vein collapsed. Thankfully, it didn't hurt or bruise. She was able to get the IV going in my left arm. Finally, she injected something that slowed my bowels down for 30 minutes. She let me know this injection is the reason we have to work fast through the breath holds and get started quickly. She gave me a "help-ball" to hold onto to squeeze if I needed anything. She left the room and my table began to slide into the MRI tube. Once in the tube I got a sudden urge to pee, so I squeezed the help-ball to tell Lisa. She was nice and came rushing in to unstrap me from the table, but told me to run and hurry because we are on a time crunch.  I peed so much! Oh all the while I'm holding my IV up with one arm. How did all that liquid get inside me? I awkwardly washed my one hand and I went running back to the MRI room where Lisa quickly strapped me back in. Although I did peek a few times I was more comfortable keeping my eyes closed. The whole MRI was a series of breath holds. I would hear Lisa in my head phones, "Take a deep breath and hold your breath." Then a bunch of racket would go on for 30 seconds and I would hear Lisa say, "Breathe."

Toward the end with only three breath holds left I squeezed the help ball again because I really, really had to pee... again. Lisa told me through the head phones that we were almost done and there wasn't any time to let me out to pee. I wasn't even embarrassed when I peed myself a little during the next breath hold. I squeezed the help ball to tell Lisa and she told me it was okay. I mean it was kind of her fault because she didn't let me out after I warned her. After the MRI was over, she quickly came in the room to unstrap me from the table and to take out my IV. Lisa hinted that I might have some bladder issues going on. As soon as she said I was free to go I rushed to the bathroom. I peed and peed and just when I thought I was still peeing I realized I was also shitting very liquid diarrhea that sounded like peeing.

It's been a week since the MRI and I feel like I am still recovering from the MRI. This weekend, I'll blog about the after effects of that damn barium that I had to drink and the MRI results. You know the results aren't good when the doctor personally calls you to discuss them.

Yay for Today

I woke up around 11pm with a killer cramp in foot/toe. The pain was unreal. Tears were streaming down my face as I hopped out of bed to see if anyone was still awake. I saw the light on and I called for my mom. She must have heard it in my voice because she came running and helped me to the couch to prop my foot up. She gave me a yoga band to try to stretch out the cramp. The pain went away and then the pain came back several times. My mom woke my dad to come give his advice because he sometimes gets leg cramps. When the pain went away one time, my dad started to massage my foot and the pain never came back at that moment. He also gave me a potassium supplement that he takes. Yay for parents!

The killer foot/toe pain woke me up again around 3am. I knew no one else would be awake, so I just stayed in bed, cried, cringed, and moaned with the on and off pain. I tried massaging my own foot when the pain went away and it didn't work. The pain came back. I finally decided to stand up on my cramping foot when the pain went away and somehow that did the trick. I then walked to the kitchen and ate a banana. I haven't had a foot/toe cramp since. Yay me! 

I've only been to the bathroom 4 times today and my BMs were kind of formed. I skipped lunch today and I had more energy after work than I have had in a while. Ya'll, not only did I take a shower, but I also shaved my legs and I'm still awake. Side note: I did eat dinner. Yay for energy!

The biggest and best surprise of the day came when my long time friend, Brittany, sent me a message. It said, "We care about you." Attached were two photos letting me know that she and her family donated to the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America. This made me cry the happiest of tears and it even made me smile. It made me feel so loved and cared about, which is exactly what I needed today. Shout out, Britt! Thank you!!!! She even calmed my nerves and gave me good advice for the MRI. I'm just going to try to relax and nap. We all know I'm good at that. I can sleep anywhere.  Yay for amazing friends!

MRI Is Scheduled

I don't know how I've almost made it through this work week. I've already pooped 10 times today and the day isn't even over yet. Where is all this crap coming from? How can all of that shit be inside me? It's been mostly explosive diarrhea. My stomach has been sore. I get shortness of breath by just walking up stairs. I was shushed by my sister Kim when I was trying to tell her how I've been feeling. I've been harassed behind my back about my bathroom habits by my sister Leigha. Oh, and the last time I tried to have a conversation with my mom about me she seemed too busy on her phone and laptop to really listen and then later claimed that I walked out in the middle of our conversation. Yes, I did.

Then I see a FB post from a friend that says, "I'm quickly becoming extremely frustrated by this whole being sick thing. Enough is enough." I can't comment: Imagine if you had a chronic disease. This post should be mine. What have you been sick for a week? Sounds like a dream. Hey, to each their own.

I had every intention of going to the MRI by myself.  I already had plans this Friday to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. Since I scheduled my MRI for Friday morning Kelly will be taking me to the MRI. If I feel okay afterwards, we'll go and drink butter beer at Hogwarts. I have to arrive an hour before my appointment to drink 3 bottles of something. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it, but it can't be worse than a colonoscopy prep, right? I told the scheduling lady that I'm not claustrophobic...we'll see if that's true.  While I'm in the machine I'm sure it'll be like an out of body experience because there's no way I'd be brave enough to go in there. I'm trying not to be nervous about it because I think it's going to be a way better experience than a colonoscopy.

My Stomach is on the Fritz

Since Friday evening I've slept for just about 24 hours. I was only up for a few hours yesterday. My first nap I took with three blankets on top of me and I didn't even break a sweat. At first I was freezing and then I was comfortable. My second nap wasn't planned. I started watching an episode of the Walking Dead and the next thing I know I was waking up three hours later.

I don't feel well. I could blame eating healthy. I could blame my period. I could blame the liquid multivitamin. I could blame the vitamin D. I could blame the vitamin C.  I'm not blaming those things though. I am blaming the iron pills. I am taking iron for myself because I believe, in time, they will help me feel better. They better make me feel better because right now I feel like shit.  My stomach has been on the fritz. It's been hurting. I can't trust farts. I've been having very explosive bowel movements. I've barely been able to get the bathroom fast enough. I'm experiencing down right nasty diarrhea. Some of my stool is black and some of it appears green... it's a side effect of the iron.

Can I just take one long nap and wake up feeling well?

I'm the One That Doesn't Care

After reviewing my labs, my doctor thinks Crohn's may be active. He wants me to get an MRI or colonoscopy. The goal is to stop active inflammation before it leads to complications - strictures, abscess, fistulas. (Hey, I've had all of those before) I have opted for the MRI. Now, I just have to schedule it. Technically, I'm an adult; however, I had a tantrum in my room about my current health situation. I bawled my eyes out and pissed off some people. I don't mean to upset people. I felt so isolated and alone yesterday. Does anyone really get it?

It seems as though every damn time I have issues related to Crohn's that my mom blames me. Whether that blame is direct or indirect is beside the point. It's my fault because I don't do anything she says to "help" prevent things like this from happening. In my twisted head, when I hear her go off on tangents about what all I should be doing, all I think is that she doesn't get it. She doesn't care. It's not my fault. Chill out. It was brought to my attention that if she didn't care, she wouldn't be trying to "help". And I was told to never say mom doesn't care again. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I see that I was wrong. The truth is my mom cares... almost too much, but perhaps I need that. The truth is that I'm the one that doesn't care.

I'm skeptical eating better will help. I'm skeptical taking probiotics will help. I'm skeptical taking vitamin D will help. I am making changes anyway. I will start eating better. I will start taking probiotics. I will start taking vitamin D. I will do it for "them". I will do it to keep them quiet. If you have a cure, tell me and I'll add it to the list. I'll do it for you. Maybe one day I'll do it for me, but for now I think it's just going to be a waste of my time and money.

It's hard to take advice from someone who said, "inflammation is a sign of healing." I couldn't help, but laugh out loud when I heard that. Crohn's is the immune system attacking itself, which causes chronic inflammation in the GI tract. I don't believe the inflammation is a sign that I'm chronically "healing".  That makes no sense!

I am suffocated by those who care and yet I feel alone because I don't think they get it. Heck, maybe I'm the one that doesn't get it.

Lab Results 10.30.15

I got my lab results back. Now, I just have to wait to hear back from my doctor about how much iron I should be taking and whether I should be doing anything else.

Test Name                    Value                    Reference Range
Iron, Serum                     18                       35 - 155 ug/DL
Iron Saturation                 5                        15 - 55 %
Hemoglobin                    9.2                      11.1 - 15.9 g/DL
C - Reactive Protein       11.7                     0.0 - 4.9 mg/L

I highlighted what I think are the most important values that were out of range on my results. Yes, I read my own lab results. I needed some help from Kim and Google on some of them though.

As expected my iron and hemoglobin levels are nowhere near where they should be. I'm not sure how worried I should be about this because I know my levels have been this low before.

The C-Reactive Protein test is interesting because it measures general levels of inflammation in my body. Crohn's must be hard at work inflaming everything. I'm surprised I'm not having more issues.

Visits with My Gastro and Colorectal Specialist

My gastroenterologist visit on Thursday went well. I weighed in at 148lbs, which made me super happy! I've come a long way since December/January. The doc quizzed me about my bowel movements, which I had no real complaints about. I'm been pooping without pain, I typically have been going about 4 times a day, and the stool has been formed. He then asked about my stricture. The thing about my stricture is that the only reasons I know I have it are because my stool is super thin and because they tell me it's something we need to keep an eye on. In my experience, I have learned that I cannot accurately tell you "how my stricture is doing" because I do not put my finger or anything else up my ass to see how tight the stricture is and I'm not good at observing my stool getting thinner over time. I only feel it when my colon and rectal specialist uses her finger to loosen the stricture. Anyways, I told my gastro that I didn't think the stricture had gotten any worse. He said I looked healthy, but went on to say, "Since you have a history of severe Crohn's disease we need to make sure you are seeing Dr. M. regularly." Dr. M. is my colon and rectal specialist. My gastro only looks at my ass if I have a colonoscopy, so he sends me to Dr. M. for regular ass observation. I really only use my gastro to get prescriptions even though Dr. M. has given me prescriptions in the past. I talked with my gastro about my lack of energy and possible depression and he ordered me to get some lab work done to see if I'm anemic.  He thinks that's most likely wants causing the lack of energy and even plays a role in leading to depression. I'll likely have to start taking iron pills or get an iron infusion to help with the anemia.

My colon and rectal specialist visit on Friday was pretty much a visit from Hell. Again, I weighed in at 148lbs. It had been a year since my last visit and I'm supposed to be going every 3 months. Every visit the doc loosens my stricture with her finger and sure it's uncomfortable, but I would never have described it as painful before. Well, this time I was in so much pain as she was loosening it that I had to have her stop. Then I had decide if she was going to try again or if I wanted anesthesia. Of course, I wanted anesthesia, but that's expensive so I held my breath and told her to try again. The pain I felt can't be put into words. My mom was in the room and it almost brought her to tears for her to see me in so much pain. My doc was able to loosen it, but she said that she wasn't going to use the scope because that would likely hurt and certainly make me sore the next day. She lectured me about seeing her every 3 months because my rectum is in "bad shape." That scares me. In the back of mind, I know I'll likely be pooping in a bag at some point in my life and as much as I joke about it I really don't want that to happen. Hopefully, when I go back in 3 months, my rectum will be big enough for the scope so we can see what the disease is doing.

If I was a good patient, I would research the heck out Crohn's and strictures, but I can't bring myself to do it. The few times I have tried to find information I soon stopped because I don't want those other patients' stories to be my future. My Crohn's isn't that bad, right? I'm sure that makes me an idiot because that also means that I'm solely in the hands of my doctors with no real opinion on what to do about my condition of my own. Perhaps I should care more, but I don't... I can't. That absolutely makes me a guinea pig because I just do whatever my doctors tell me to do most of the time. I had a friend ask me if "they are blowing [...the stricture] up with a balloon?" I might get around to looking up what that means one day, but at the moment I'm content not knowing. I'm in chronic denial.