I Will Keep Going

The week I have ahead of me is daunting.  Despite my intentions not to, I am stressing about my upcoming week.  My sisters listen to a podcast and one of many phrases it's known for is "This is terrible. Keep going." Although I'm taking it out of the podcast's context, I am using the phrase as my motto for the week. There's no point in lying to myself about how shitty this week is likely to be.  It's going to be a terrible week, but I am determined to keep going. I am not in the mood to see the bright side of things this week.

On Monday, July 24th, I will begin the preparation for my Barium Enema. The prep consists of a clear liquid diet, drinking two 10oz bottles of magnesium citrate, and taking two ducolax tablets. I will be leaving work around 2PM to go home and start the magnesium citrate and ducolax  part of the prep.

On Tuesday, July 25th, my friend, Lynn, is picking me up in the morning and taking me to my Barium Enema. I am still thankful for how amazingly caring my new running friends are. I couldn't have hand picked a better group of people. This is the day I am most stressed about. Even though I won't get the results of this test until August 11th, I'm nervous because this test should be able to provide answers as to why feces are in my urine and why gas is passing through my urethra. I'm not a doctor, but in my opinion I think it's a fistula causing a problem and the solution is going to require surgery.  During the Barium Enema, I may experience a feeling of fullness, moderate to severe cramping, the urge for a bowel movement, and general discomfort. Yes, I'm awake for the procedure. Now, you can understand why I didn't want to lie to myself about this week being terrible. Hopefully, afterwards I'll feel okay to go to work because I have a lot to get done there.

I don't really know how I will feel during the days following the Barium Enema, but life hasn't really provided me the time to rest. I will be working my ass off at work to make up time so that I can save my sick time in case I need to use it for surgery. I was invited to a prestigious Water for People, Everyone Forever charity event after work on Thursday. Their Mission: "Water For People exists to promote the development of high-quality drinking water and sanitation services, accessible to all, and sustained by strong communities, businesses, and governments." It's a great networking opportunity that I couldn't turn down. Literally, I felt obligated to go. If it was any other week, I would be excited. However, since it's this week, I just hope I feel well enough to enjoy it and take advantage of it. The company I work for is well known for its work in water/wastewater, so we donated generously to the Water for People mission at the same sponsorship level as OUC. My company hand selects a limited number of attendees from our company to represent us at the charity event and network with other like minded individuals in our community.

Taylor is coming into town the same night as the charity event. I am just way too stressed this week, so I gave up on trying to buffer between my mom and her. I am not going to be home when she arrives.  I know it's hard on her when my mom is openly rude and unhospitable, but I just don't have the energy to shelter her from my mom. I should be more excited about Taylor's visit, but the other events of this week along with my mom are stressing me out.  Don't take it personally if my mom doesn't like you, I know I don't take it personally. In fact, I would say I've grown accustomed to my mom not liking me. My mom is also unpredictable, so maybe she'll have an uncharacteristically nice day. My words of advice: avoid conflict, ignore ignorance, kill her with kindness even if its fake. I get to hang with Taylor after work on Friday and after my run on Saturday! I'm going to try to be good company and enjoy our time together. Although, at the moment my head is elsewhere.

On Monday, July 31st, I have an office appointment with my gastro, which I have a feeling will be a pointless appointment. My perspective of my gastro is that he is only good to write prescriptions, not to provide answers or care. I look forward to being disappointed and frustrated after this appointment because healthcare sucks.

Be Kind

Even though I have been through and continue to go through some pain in the ass shit, literally, I have taken a step back recently to count my blessings.  People all around us are suffering and the truth is that we never really know what anyone is going through. When you're going through shit, don't you put on a brave face? Don't you post significantly more positive posts on social media than posts about real life struggles? 

It's easy to be more absorbed in your own problems than in other people's issues. After all, you are the protagonist of your troubles. If you don't attend to your own conflicts in life, who will? Can anyone honestly understand what you're going through?  This very notion should be the principle in which we empathize with others. Somehow the isolation of suffering is what can connect us to each other.

I'm sure you know the wish I would wish if I had one wish to wish: I wish the world would be freed from its suffering. Be kind; be the reason someone else believes there is good in this world.

Health Care Sucks

Gastro:
My gastro is out of town for three weeks in July.  I didn't really like my gastro before. Now, I'm just frustrated by how slow and unresponsive the office is. After I messaged my nurse about my symptoms, my appointment with my colorectal specialist, and requesting to schedule a colonoscopy, the scheduling department called me and made me schedule an office visit before they will schedule a colonoscopy. The first available office appointment was on Monday, July 31st. My gastro nurse never contacted me to check-up on me or to clarify my symptoms. From the office appointment, I guess I'll schedule a colonoscopy. Honestly, I don't even care about the colonoscopy anymore because I know that's not going to help with anything. In fact, I'm tempted to cancel the office appointment just so that I don't have to deal with their bullshit.

As a side note, I found out today from my Remicade nurse that Remicade will pay for tests twice a year to test my blood to measure how much medication is in my veins. This test usually costs around $2,700, so I've never done it. The test is beneficial because it would allow us to see if the reason for increased symptoms is because of a lower amount of medication in my system than what is recommended. If that's the case, we would raise the dose or decrease the infusion intervals. If I don't have any answers by my next infusion appointment, my nurse might order me to get the test.

Colorectal Specialist:
My specialist isn't the one that performs the barium enema, so I have to go to an outpatient center. The outpatient center couldn't get me in until Tuesday, July 25th. I believe the results of the barium enema will provide answers. Who am I kidding? There are never any clear answers when dealing with Crohn's disease. It should at least provide better answers than a colonoscopy would. I also scheduled a follow-up appointment with my colorectal specialist on Friday, August 11th to get the results of the barium enema.

Best case scenario, I am a month away from getting answers.
 

Crohn's is Back!

I have not been looking forward to writing this post. I kept postponing it in the hopes symptoms would cease. Crohn's is back! There we go, I said it. While my doctors never said I was in remission, I was doing extremely well and it certainly felt like Crohn's was in remission. For the past few weeks, I've been experiencing blood and mucus in my stool along with going to the bathroom more frequently. Occasional pain, but thankfully the pain has been manageable. Fatigue is showing its ugly head. Tiredness is haunting me.  Running is hard.

The scariest part for me are the new symptoms I am also experiencing.  I've been passing fecal matter in my urine and passing gas through my urethra. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!!!  What if the good days are over? I am going to be astonished if this does not require surgery.

I saw my colorectal specialist on Friday. Although I didn't get any answers, we did make a plan. I'm going to be scheduling a colonoscopy with my gastro so that we can take a better look at the active disease and then use the findings to discuss and re-evaluate medication options. I'm also going to be scheduling a barium enema with my colorectal specialist where we will use the contrast in the barium to see the structure of my large intestine on x-rays where we're looking for abnormalities like fistulas leading into my urethra.

A lot of my running friends have science backgrounds, so it's nice to get input from them. I have been very open about Crohn's with my new friends, which is liberating and terrifying at the same time. My friends, new and old, have been amazingly supportive and understanding. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life that care about me and motivate me to seek answers.  A newer friend offered to go with me to appointments and I think I'm going to take her up on it once I schedule my colonoscopy and barium enema. Someone thought I had lost 15 lbs. in the past two weeks. Even though I haven't been weighing myself regularly, I think I've only lost 5 - 7 lbs. and I don't think it's that obvious I have lost weight.

I'll keep you posted...

Hopeless Fountain Kingdom

I first started listening to Halsey on YouTube in the fall of 2015. By coincidence, her debut album, Badlands, was released around that same time.  I was in a really dark place fighting depression and Crohn's disease and I found comfort in this concept album that was about people being trapped in a post apocalyptic society surrounded by desert land that keeps them there...knowing they should desperately try to escape, yet finding a weird sense of comfort there. Halsey created this world around the Badlands, which I used as a metaphor for my life.  I've never felt more connected to music, nor have I felt so understood by music before.

This Friday, Halsey's new album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom comes out!!! In true Halsey fashion, this is also a concept album.  She describes Hopeless Fountain Kingdom as a purgatory kind of like LOST. You know, my favorite TV show of all time! In the Rolling Stone Music Now podcast featuring Halsey, the Badlands are described as being the mortal realm above the Hopeless Fountain Kingdom. While I've listened to the songs that have been released from the album (I'll post links below), I am most excited to be able to listen to all of the songs on Hopeless Fountain Kingdom in order so that I can piece together the concept and interpret the story being told for myself. I've already got tickets for her HFK Tour and I can't wait to see her bring the Hopeless Fountain Kingdom to life! If you're looking for me, I'll be getting lost in the Hopeless Fountain Kingdom.

There are definitely Romeo and Juliet vibes in her "Now or Never" music video: https://youtu.be/kzQTc0-iBX8

No doubt she can sing in the stripped version of "Eyes Closed": https://youtu.be/joN23n_e5hk

"To be touched / To be loved / To feel anything at all"  - Halsey ft. Lauren Jauregui "Strangers": https://youtu.be/e3hjpNuvapQ

Kim is Leaving to Chase Her Dreams

I have a tissue box sitting next me, and it's not just because I'm fighting a cold. I know by the end of composing this post I will lose my composure and tears will soak my cheeks.

Kim leaves this week to move to Virginia to attend the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program at Murphy Deming College of Health Sciences. Her classes begin in one week! I have no doubt that she is ready for this next chapter. She has the drive, determination, and passion to make her dreams of becoming a physical therapist come true. She is super intelligent.  She is willing to challenge herself to work hard because she expects the best out of herself. I have deep admiration and respect for the woman she is and the woman she wants to become. I believe her in her dreams!

Out of all of my sisters, Kim understands me the best. She may be younger than me, but there is a maturity to our relationship that I don't have with other family members. We can be brutally honest with each other and still respect each others' opinions and advice. We can disagree without raising our voices. More importantly, we can disagree and still actively listen to what the other one is saying. I value her perspective on life. We are always there to support each other. I love hanging out and talking with her and I equally love sitting in silence with her. She has the best smile and the most additive laugh I've ever heard. She makes me a better person. When I grow up, I want to be like her.

I'm going to miss her like crazy. I compare this feeling to mourning my good health and Taylor moving away. I know life will go on, but I also know it's going to be different. There's going to be a void, there's going to be an adjustment, and there's going to be a period of feeling lost without her.

I am so proud of Kim for being fearless in chasing after what she wants out of life! I think she is going to blossom during this next chapter of her life, and I'm excited to see her become the woman she wants to be! Go kick ass, baby sis! I love you and remember... https://youtu.be/5tepYJno7rU

My Maid of Honor Speech

My Maid of Honor Speech went something like this...

Hello everyone!

For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Lauren and Taylor is my best friend.

I want to take a moment to thank Taylor for entrusting me to be her Maid of Honor.

When I first met Taylor in 2011 in Meteorology class at Valencia College, I thought she was peculiar. I honestly had no idea she was going to be as important to me as she is today. You see, I had a free period before Meteorology, so I sat on the floor in the hallway outside of the classroom listening to music while I waited for the Professor to open the room.  Along came Taylor, she walked right up, sat down next to me, and started talking. Umm, hello… could she not see I had headphones in listening to music clearly not wanting to be disturbed?  After rolling my eyes, I hesitantly took out one earbud to hear her. 

Once the Professor unlocked the classroom, I found a seat. Guess what she did?  In a classroom filled with empty seats, she sat right next me. She didn’t even leave an empty curtesy seat between us. As the Professor introduced himself and went over the syllabus, Taylor persistently tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention to talk to me some more. I didn’t know what to do, so I grabbed a pack of gum out of my backpack and offered her a piece in the hopes it would get her to stop talking. It didn’t.

A couple of weeks later, she invited me to her birthday party at Blueman Group. At this point, I thought she was a super friendly person that invites strangers to her birthday parties. Although I still didn’t feel like I knew her, I accepted her invitation because I wanted to see Blueman Group.  I will never live down the fact that I didn’t get her a birthday card.

We began regularly eating lunch together at school and hanging out afterwards. We went on adventures; we planked, went pumpkin picking, and paintballing. Before I knew it, Taylor was my best friend. Now we are stuck like glue. It’s no secret that Taylor and I are completely different and yet the same. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. She’s a girly girl and I’m a tomboy, yet we both watch “Say Yes to the Dress” when she has the remote control. She drives slower and I drive faster, but we both get to where we are going. She’s married and I’m single, yet we both used to have a cat.

Flash forward to today. Taylor is the most amazing woman I know. She has a heart of gold.  She loves selflessly. She’s ambitious; she works hard to make her dreams come true. She’s dependable; you can always count on her to be there whenever you need her.  She’s also spirited; and Kenny I know you know how incredible your beautiful bride is…after all, you put a ring on it! 

The first time I met Kenny was in 2012. While Taylor and I were roommates a super tall guy visited.  During his visit, the three of us went to Universal Studios.  A few things stand out to me from that day. Kenny made Taylor smile, a lot. Throughout the day at Universal they had stolen many glances at each other. It was crowded, but they couldn’t lose me because thankfully tall people are where you meet when you get lost in a crowd.  Kenneth, I know you will take care of my bestie. Remember, I know where you live.

I know I’m supposed to offer up some relationship advice. But, I’m single and I like cats, so… here goes nothing.

Kenny, never stop being her prince charming. Pamper her and make her happy. When everything else in the world is uncertain, be her rock. Challenge her to be a better person. Don’t be afraid to compromise. Encourage her to step outside her comfort zone. Love her unconditionally; you are the sparkle in her eyes.

Taylor, never stop dating him. Spoil him and make him dinner. When everything in the world is negative, be his positive light. Challenge him to be a better man. Don’t be afraid to compromise.  Be his best friend. Love him unconditionally; don’t lose that sparkle in your eyes.

As we raise our glasses to toast the bride and groom I’d like to ask Taylor and Kenny to take a moment and look into each other’s eyes. Take it in and take a breath. Remember tonight; remember tonight for it is the beginning of always. Here’s to the Mr. and Mrs.