That Thing I Used To Do

Do you remember that thing I used to do? That thing called running? Yeah, after three months of not running or working out at all, I decided to go for a run last week. Of course it was hot, it's summer time in Florida. I only went for a mile and a half and I walked toward the end. It was good to get back out there. Even though I was so sore the next day it was unbelievable. For crying out loud, I went for less than two miles.

Now that I've established I am in no physical condition I've decided to start training... again. I am so out of shape I have trouble thinking of myself as a long distance runner.  I'm starting back at the basics, which I should be used to doing by now. I have to build back up my base mileage. I know the hard work I'm going to have to put in and I know somewhere along the way I'll fall in love with running again.  Historically, I'm not very good at sticking with a training schedule, but I always start with good intentions.

I have registered for a couple of races as motivation to stick with the plan. I have the  Cocoa Beach Half Marathon at the end of October, the Space Coast Half Marathon at the end of November, and a half marathon in Mobile, Alabama at the beginning of January.  Here's to getting back out there and creating a healthy routine so that I don't become a lazy old lady.

Part 3 of 3: A Wedding, Marriage, and a Gut Check

A Gut Check:

Why do I have to be cynical? Why can't I be a romantic? Why do I have to be skeptical of love? Why can't I find it easy to believe when others say that they are "in love". Dang, that phrase makes me cringe. Although I don't mind singing along with it in songs.. hmmm.

I have never been close to being in love. Perhaps I'm scared of the idea. Honestly, how can I call bullshit on love when I have never experienced it? I will try to stop judging other people's "love" out loud until I experience falling in love for myself. It won't be anytime soon. I might not understand it, but I think everybody loves differently. Maybe it's just that I don't want everyone else's kind of love. I may just have to find someone that will love to my far fetched expectations.

It's difficult to change my mindset. I'm hoping it will be liberating though.

Part 2 of 3: A Wedding , Marriage, and a Gut Check

Marriage:

Yes, here I go again. There are two definite opinions I have that make me feel like a heartless asshole. Just because it isn't for me doesn't mean it isn't for you.

1. I do not like animals as pets. It's a big commitment. They're stinky, they're a lot of work, and basically you love them and then they die... it's heartbreaking. I've only ever had one pet that I truly loved and when she died, I told myself it's not worth the pain of death. Great, now I'm crying just thinking about her. Anyways, I am currently an anti-pet person. I will not have any pets of my own in the near future.
2.  I do not understand marriage and why people get married. That is probably because I do not understand love.  It's a huge commitment. Spouses can be stinky, they're a lot of work, and basically you love them and then one of you die... It's heartbreaking. It always seems like one person in the union is constantly giving more than the other.

I do not have the confidence in myself to be able to fulfill my would be role as wife. I can be a selfish, heartless, asshole and so the thought of a wife's role in marriage makes me itch. Despite of the fact that I also think I am one heck of a good person and I think good ladies like me are hard to find, so the flip side is that I would have a difficult time believing any man could fulfill his duty to me as a husband... And I just wouldn't accept anything except balance. 

Being a finance major, I do see the financial benefits in marriage and that might make it worth considering.  After reading the above post, even I am somewhat confused on marriage and my views on marriage. I know I don't understand marriage and that is probably why I'm confused. This post does pretty much describe my view at this point in time though.

Part 1 of 3 - A Wedding, Marriage, and a Gut Check

A Wedding:

As you know I attended a lovely wedding in Alabama this past weekend. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, but I was a little confused at the ceremony! It was a Catholic wedding and the ceremony lasted an hour and fifteen minutes. I'm not Catholic and although I don't regularly go to church, I'm no stranger to Sunday morning Baptist church service. During the ceremony the 200 + guests would stand, sit, kneel, sit, stand, kneel stand, kneel, sit, stand, sit... Most of the time I was wondering how almost everyone knew what to do and when to do it? The audience would pray and/or shout back words toward the pastor/priest/father (I don't know what the dude is called that was conducting the union).  Anyways the guy looked like the one kid from the movie Sandlot.How did those folks know what to say and what the heck were they saying?  The only thing I knew was the Lord's Prayer.

If you know me, you know I'm very skeptical of marriage and weddings. I was completely lost when the look alike guy from Sandlot began praying in Latin... for like ten minutes. I sat there baffled because I was not understanding the prayer.

My cynicism was confirmed when he cited the Bible verses that feed my dislike of marriage because of the misunderstanding this part of Scripture creates: Ephesians 5:22 - 33. More on that in blog part 2 of 3.

After the wedding, the reception was held at a mansion with buffet style food and drink rooms, a dancing room that also had the wedding cake (that seemed like a dangerous placement to me), tables and chairs scattered throughout the mansion and outside, and even a photo booth. I had a great time with mom. I enjoyed dancing and the wedding cake was incredible.

Wish Me Luck

I have an interview tomorrow with an amazing company, Wharton-Smith, Inc. Construction Group. They have provided general contracting solutions for Atlantis in the Bahamas, Manta at SeaWorld, and Bright House Networks Stadium at UCF to name a few. I'll be interviewing for a payroll assistant position.  I'm super excited for the opportunity to meet with the payroll supervisor tomorrow afternoon. I am going to put my best foot forward.

A Whole Weekend Off

This weekend off was exactly what I needed. Sure, I didn't fill out as many job apps as I would have liked to, but I think I owed myself one weekend of a little laziness. Plus, I felt sick all of last week with a sore throat, runny nose, and pounding headaches. I cleaned my room, did laundry, searched for jobs, dyed my hair, lounged by the pool, tried on my rocking hot outfit for the wedding next weekend and took three hour naps!  It was grand!!!

Seriously, I think I could sleep forever. No matter how long my nap is or how many hours of sleep I get at night I never have a problem falling asleep. I never think I'm not tired enough to sleep. Friday and Saturday night I got about 12 hours of sleep each night. I didn't set an alarm to wake up, I just decided to stay awake when I woke to pee out of obligation to have a somewhat productive day. I took a three hour nap this afternoon from about 4pm to 7pm and here it is almost 9pm and I'm ready for bed.

For the most part, Crohn's disease has been behaving itself. Although I did experience some slight stomach pain last week, but that easily could have been from Aunt Flow. It's been so nice not having to deal with pain. I actually think my pain tolerance has gone down since I'm not used to handling it every day. No pain is good, but I hate how it makes me feel weak when I do encounter pain because I'm not accustomed to it like I was.

Even though I haven't been experiencing pain, Crohn's is still present. I know because I pooped about nine times yesterday and last week I was pooping about five times a day. At first, I blamed my period; however, when it continued I started to blame Crohn's. What the heck, how can I poop nine times in a day and think it's okay? Because I feel okay that's how. It does worry me a little though. If it keeps up, I know I'll start losing weight again and that's never fun. I'm a solid 140 lbs, not the 150 lbs I've been trying to get back to since the beginning of the year, but I'll take it.

Mental Chaos

Well, Sunday was my last day with Classic Mazda East. I finished May with 15 car sales! I hit and exceeded a bunch of sales goals and earned a bunch of bonuses, which is awesome! Honestly, over time I think I became good at selling cars. I don't mean to sound arrogant when I say that they will certainly be missing me now that I'm gone.  Why would I quit something I'm kind of good at? I'll have to dive into that answer later. I just know that I am happier now than I was prior to Sunday.

I originally thought I was going to be jobless until I found another job; however, my dad's company has been so slammed that I have picked up shifts with him all week and for the foreseeable future. At least until I can find a job where I can utilize my educational background.  I know I should be focusing on finding another job, but I could barely stand the idea of not working and not earning money. I'll be job searching and filling out applications on the weekends in order to hopefully schedule interviews during the week. So far, I don't have any job prospects, but I'm hopeful. After all, there is no motivation quite like working with family again to find a different job. I'm grateful to be working back with my dad, but I did not miss working so closely with my family.

At times my self talk gets me down because I hate that I just graduated college and I'm still working for my dad. Was it all for nothing?  Will I ever be independent? Will I have my shit together by the time I'm 30?

At times my self talk gets me pumped and makes me believe that I am going to find success. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm charming, and I'm a hard worker. I should just take time off work to write an hour worth of a stand up comedic routine and try to tour comedy clubs and college campuses.

I am looking forward to the weekend because it will be my first weekend off in four months. Plus, it's two days off in a row. You bet your ass I have naps scheduled for this weekend. I'd love to go for a run too, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I've got to ease back into getting myself back to being me.

I'm even going on vacation in nine days. I'll be heading to Alabama with my mom to go to a family friend's daughter's wedding. I can't wait to get on the dance floor!  This is the family who graciously let us stay with them on our road trip back from Texas when I was super sick.