Unreliable Memory

                     My memory is not reliable.  I can remember my bus number from kindergarten, but I have trouble remembering if I locked the door this morning when I left my place.  The calender app on my phone helps me not to lose my mind when it gets lost. I struggle to remember simple things, yet somehow I am pretty good at remembering to put events and important things in my calender to aid my slow memory. My doctors never seem too concerned about it, or anything really. They contribute my bad memory to poor vitamin absorption in my intestines. My inflamed and scarred intestines don't absorb nutrients like they should. Sometimes I hate my guts. Plus, I really don't think my doctors believe how bad my memory is.

                      Days of the week are foreign to me. Especially, if I have to recall which day an event took place. Was it yesterday or last week? What day was yesterday? When I meet new people, I text myself their name with a few facts I learned about them so that I can look it up before we talk again so it doesn't seem like I wasn't listening. I question things like did I unplug my straightener and did I plug in the crock pot that's supposed to be cooking my lunch? I don't know. School has definitely gotten more difficult since recovering from my big flare of 2012. Studying is a chore because memorizing is not a reliable option, so I make an effort to understand, learn and know the information.

                      I've caught myself with tooth paste on my toothbrush standing in my bathroom wondering what I was doing. It's sounds stupid and it is because I forgot I was about to brush my teeth. I've caught myself driving on the interstate, forgetting where I'm going and missing my exit and the next exits after that. I'm sure there are plenty other examples like this that aren't coming to mind. I'm thankful that when most of these episodes happen I'm the only one they affect. Occasionally, an episode happens and I end up looking like a total idiot. When I went to the testing center to take my exam this week, I had a momentary lapse and I couldn't remember which exam I was there to take. At the testing center, they swiped my student I.D., checked my calculator and then asked which class it was for to check me into my exam. The catch is that I have to tell them which exam I'm there to take. I spent the past three days studying for this exam and for the life of me I couldn't remember which class I was there to take the exam for. This caused suspicion that I was there to try to take an exam for someone else, so I had to provide proof that I was the person on my student I.D. I showed them my driver's licence and a credit card with my name on it. They were speechless that I didn't know which exam I was there to take. "Are you sure you're ready for this exam, ma'am?"  After what seemed like an eternity of getting judgmental looks from the staff, it finally occurred to me that I was there to take ECO 3411 exam 1. As I walked to my assigned computer to take the exam I prayed that I knew the material better than I knew which class the exam was for.

Nerding Out

                      After the Dopey Challenge weekend, I proudly sported my Goofy Challenge shirt when I went to class the next day.  The UCF football team and band were in the Disney parade marathon Sunday, so all the students that went saw the finishers walking, or hobbling around the park sporting their medals from the marathon and challenges. I'm a friendly person, but I don't talk to a lot of people at school. It caught me off guard when numerous people noticed my shirt and inquired if I indeed ran the marathon. The shirt was like a guy magnet! I loved every minute of it!  I liked the attention for my incredible achievement, but I loved moving the conversation to running in general.

                     The professor that teaches the class before mine saw my shirt and asked how long it took to train for the Goofy. That's the kind of question that will totally get me to nerd out about running. I tried to contain myself although I'm not sure I succeeded. When she left the classroom, my classmates overheard that I ran a marathon the day before and they were completely fascinated by such a feat. A couple girls reminisced about struggling to finish a 5k. A guy admitted that I must be a beast. All the chatter before class was about whether anyone thought they could run a marathon. It was great! Every Monday that professor asks me if I ran a marathon over the weekend. On February 3rd hopefully I'll be able to say YES! 

                    As I was leaving class in my Goofy shirt this guy stopped me and said he overheard my conversation about finishing Dopey. I'm pretty sure everyone in class heard it. I mean I basically broadcasted it! Anyway, his name is Gabriel and he is new to running. He has questions like how often to hydrate during a run. I found myself nerding out again talking about my love, running! It didn't seem to phase him though. Whether he was flirting never crossed my mind because I was too eager to tell him the basics of running. It's been two weeks now and after every class we talk about running. He's motivated, but it makes me a little uneasy when he mentions he wants to lose weight. I can't agree or disagree, so I just stick to advising on what I know, running. He's never done a race before, so it's exciting to know he's a race virgin. He might not be able to say that by the end of the semester. The only other person I talk about running this much with is my sister, Kim.

Basketball

 

              I went to see a friend's basketball game tonight! My memory isn't good enough for me to remember if I ever coached Bekah or not. However, I do remember playing basketball with her older sister, Heather (the girl with the green scarf). Somehow I also remember coaching Kimmi and Allison (the two girls sitting behind me).  It was great to see those familiar faces! 

 

Bekah's Fan Club

                Bekah's team won by one point! They were down most of the game and didn't take the lead for the first time until 2:12 left in the fourth quarter!  It was beyond amazing! I haven't seen Bekah play in years, so to see how much she has grown and excelled as a player was pretty cool. She's no doubt a baller!

                Basketball was my first love. Likewise it was also my first breakup. After high school, I didn't know if I would ever get over it. It took a few years, but I finally stopped missing it. I think I filled the void by taking up running, which I fell head of heels for. I still love the sport of basketball, but now I love it as a spectator and a retired player. My ego allows me to believe I still have game. My heart tells me my game has come and gone. When I watch a game, I probably over analyze everything. I like to see what kind of defense each team is playing and how the offense adjusts to the defense and vice-versa. I like to observe the referees to see whether they call a soft or hard game. As a player you are playing the refs just as much as you're playing the other team so you have to know what you can get away with. I like to see the coaches use timeouts strategically and then see the team come out and execute. I love seeing teams make adjustments to take advantage of the other team's weakness. In my head, I try to find the weaknesses. In my head, I give players pointers like how to correct the form on their shot or give advice on how to predict traps. I also talk to myself about the coaches and how they should be using time management in close games. The points, steals, rebounds and assists are just the icing on the cake that most spectators will focus on, but the game of basketball is so much more than that to me! Sure, I care about the big things. I also care about the little details that go unnoticed to an untrained eye. I've got it bad. I still love it!

The End is Near

           The first month of the new year is almost over! It seems like 2014 is already flying by. I'll be another year older next month and I've never been more focused on my future than I am right now. I believe they call it the "senior itch." I'm ready to be done with school  As long as I pass my three classes this semester I'll only have six classes left to take in order to graduate with my B.S.B.A. in Finance! I am beyond ready to be finished with school and begin the next chapter in my life.

           When class registration opens, I'll be able to register for the last six classes I need. One of the benefits of having a G.P.A. higher than 3.5 is that I get to register for up to three semesters out while others can only register for one. Most of the classes I have left to take are electives which range from real estate, advanced international business, business negotiations, etc... so I'm flexible in that I'll have many class options to choose from that will work with my schedule. My goal is to register for three or four classes in the summer and two or three classes in the fall so that I can graduate in December 2014! I'm ready! I just hope that I can get all the classes I need when it comes time to register in order to graduate in December.

             As for the next chapter I've been throwing around two ideas. The first is finding a decent entry level job in a field related to finance. The second is moving somewhere out west. Obviously, the major reason I went to college in the first place was to become more employable in order to better support myself in life and pursue dreams of adventure. Now that the end is in sight I am craving an adventure of a lifetime! It's like I'm homesick for a place I don't even know that exists yet. I have gotten feedback from friends and family about me moving across country. There are natural concerns and things to consider before committing to such a huge decision, but more on that in another post. I was pleasantly surprised at how much positive feedback I received. Others were as excited as I am about the idea of a true adventure! If not now, when? I think the answer to this question is likely to be never.  Last year as I was flying home from Las Vegas I looked out the window of the plane to see the sun setting behind me and the Grand Canyon under my feet.  The day was over and I felt like I was leaving a world of  unknown adventure behind me. It's hard to explain, but I don't get that feeling where I call home now.

No Class Left Behind

          I made it through my first day of classes this semester. My three classes are each going to be challenging in their own way. Financial Models will require a lot of study time to get all the homework done every week and to learn how to formulate complicated equations in Excel to build my own financial model throughout the semester. Quantitative Tools II will be tough because integrating the economics and statistical methods will take some brain power to sort the numbers and their meaning.  My other class is a business law class taught by a lawyer. Need I say more. The case studies are already numerous and the kicker is that he doesn't use power points for his lecture. The exams will be based on his lectures, not the book so I'm going to have to be very diligent at taking notes and trying to compare what he's going over and finding it in the book for better clarification. I know I can finish this semester well as long as I don't get behind with all of the coursework and as long as I put forth the effort for all three classes. My motto this semester is no class left behind.

I Have Learned to Cry

                It sounds crazy, but up until about August 2012 my emotions were pretty much non existent. I mean it was so bad that not one tear escaped my eyes when my childhood dog died. People's emotions used to baffle me and now it's my own emotions causing the confusion. Once I had the huge Crohn's flare of 2012 things started to change. I struggled through some of my most painful days and I also battled through depression. Sometimes it's easy to forget that others didn't go through it and don't completely understand how it changed me. I think the chemical balance in me changed and I came out feeling very different.

                I find myself being less critical of others because I am better able to empathize with them. I no longer run from crying and tears, I embrace them. Perhaps it's part of healing or it's my transformation to being normal. I think it's my journey through the 2012 flare that really opened my heart to others and even myself. The boat I find myself in now is that my sisters continue to treat me like my thick skin hasn't been worn down. At times they criticize me and I try to ignore the hurt I feel from their words. Their stabbing words never used to inflict pain, so it's weird for me that they do now. It's annoying! If I cry, they'll think I'm still depressed. Maybe I am. If I ask them to stop being mean, their augment is that I've been just as sharp with my words in the past. It's probably true, but I know I haven't been since the end of 2012. So, I try to let it roll off my back and focus on embracing this change that is making me so gosh darn sensitive. I can't expect them to understand this change after 24 years when I'm still trying to understand it myself. I can't convince them I've changed, it's something they are going to have to observe and conclude for themselves.

               Tears falling from my eyes is something I'm adjusting to. This used to never happen. When I'm watching a sad movie or TV show and I catch a tear falling on my cheek, I wipe it away and shake my head because I had no control over it.  It was going to fall whether I wanted it to or not. For example, I knew this character Bonnie in the Vampire Diaries was dead for at least three episodes before the other characters actually found out and had her very emotional funeral. I cried like a baby in Bonnie's funeral scene. It's a frickin' fictional character that I knew was dead for three weeks before her funeral! My eyes didn't care, they cried so hard I had trouble breathing. It was ridiculous! I'll cry if I hear a touching song. I get emotional crossing finish lines at races. Tears find my cheeks so often that I can't keep track. This is my new normal.

                In the future, I want to learn to better communicate my emotions and have a better understanding of the emotions of others. I want to be better at comforting someone going through a sensitive situation. I want to focus on lifting others up with my words and when I have to be critical to be so with empathy. I want my family and friends to associate the words sensitive, empathetic and caring with me. Though it's annoying, I have learned to cry. The best of all is that I have learned to be okay with it.
                 

I Strongly Dislike Robots

          Every month I get a call from robots at Optum Rx reminding me to refill my Cimzia prescription. "Your call may be monitored for quality assurance." Regardless of whether I stay on the line and order the refill or call back to order it, the first thing I have to do is tell a robot my birthday, zip code, and phone number.

          It's comical because the robot always misunderstands me and wants me to repeat what I said even though I'll have to repeat it two additional times once I get a human on the line to verify it's me placing the order on my "file." I've thought of possible solutions. I can't change pharmacies because my insurance forces me to use Optum Rx in order to get coverage on my prescription. I can't go without insurance because that will soon be against the law and plus this drug is about $3,600 a month. I've tried typing in the info using the key pad on my touch screen phone, but I usually end up with a typo and then I have to start over. My solution is to be as rude as possible to the robot! As soon as it starts asking for my info, I cut it off and say something like, "Why should I tell you, I'll just have to repeat it again to your humans." If you don't believe me, ask my sister.

          Without hesitation the robot responds with something like "I'm sorry I don't understand human, let me connect you with an Optum Rx representative. "

          Score, I out smarted the robot and get put on hold to wait for the next available rep! In the meantime, while I'm on hold I talk about how much I dislike Optum Rx and all of the nonsense the robotic system is. I want those mysterious folks monitoring my call to know how much time is wasted while trying to communicate with a robot.  By this point I've decided that the calls are probably monitored by robots and they have marked my file up and down with notes. The notes would read: "Put this customer on hold often for no reason." "She's a robot hater so make sure to make her repeat her info at least twice."  After some time on hold, I then proceed to tell the human rep my info and then they put me on a longer hold to transfer me to the specialty department.

          I strike up another one sided, hostile conversation with the robotic monitors before having to spill my info again to the human specialty department. The specialty department always wants additional info like my address and the name of the doctor that prescribed my prescription so that they can look up my "file," but only after they put me on another hold. If they're so special, why do they need more info than the first rep to look up my file? I think it's because the robots are undergoing a slow takeover of that department, or the human saw the notes in my file. On average it can take anywhere between 10 to 15 minutes on the phone to complete my order. I usually don't even talk that long on the phone with my mom.

           As much as I joke about the robots I strongly dislike them and how impersonal they make everything. Maybe if they were smarter or dumb enough to understand me I would like them. Perhaps I'm just not smart enough to understand them. No matter, I know there has to be a better, more effective way for Optum Rx to handle refills.