It sounds crazy, but up until about August 2012 my emotions were pretty much non existent. I mean it was so bad that not one tear escaped my eyes when my childhood dog died. People's emotions used to baffle me and now it's my own emotions causing the confusion. Once I had the huge Crohn's flare of 2012 things started to change. I struggled through some of my most painful days and I also battled through depression. Sometimes it's easy to forget that others didn't go through it and don't completely understand how it changed me. I think the chemical balance in me changed and I came out feeling very different.
I find myself being less critical of others because I am better able to empathize with them. I no longer run from crying and tears, I embrace them. Perhaps it's part of healing or it's my transformation to being normal. I think it's my journey through the 2012 flare that really opened my heart to others and even myself. The boat I find myself in now is that my sisters continue to treat me like my thick skin hasn't been worn down. At times they criticize me and I try to ignore the hurt I feel from their words. Their stabbing words never used to inflict pain, so it's weird for me that they do now. It's annoying! If I cry, they'll think I'm still depressed. Maybe I am. If I ask them to stop being mean, their augment is that I've been just as sharp with my words in the past. It's probably true, but I know I haven't been since the end of 2012. So, I try to let it roll off my back and focus on embracing this change that is making me so gosh darn sensitive. I can't expect them to understand this change after 24 years when I'm still trying to understand it myself. I can't convince them I've changed, it's something they are going to have to observe and conclude for themselves.
Tears falling from my eyes is something I'm adjusting to. This used to never happen. When I'm watching a sad movie or TV show and I catch a tear falling on my cheek, I wipe it away and shake my head because I had no control over it. It was going to fall whether I wanted it to or not. For example, I knew this character Bonnie in the Vampire Diaries was dead for at least three episodes before the other characters actually found out and had her very emotional funeral. I cried like a baby in Bonnie's funeral scene. It's a frickin' fictional character that I knew was dead for three weeks before her funeral! My eyes didn't care, they cried so hard I had trouble breathing. It was ridiculous! I'll cry if I hear a touching song. I get emotional crossing finish lines at races. Tears find my cheeks so often that I can't keep track. This is my new normal.
In the future, I want to learn to better communicate my emotions and have a better understanding of the emotions of others. I want to be better at comforting someone going through a sensitive situation. I want to focus on lifting others up with my words and when I have to be critical to be so with empathy. I want my family and friends to associate the words sensitive, empathetic and caring with me. Though it's annoying, I have learned to cry. The best of all is that I have learned to be okay with it.
