Update: I finally got Cimzia approved through my insurance... again! Go me!!!
"How are you?" When that question is directed at me, it has got to be the most confusing question that exists in the English language. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, counselors, and co-workers alike inquire about my well being. All at different levels, of course. Nonetheless, it's up to me to figure out how I am, which is tricky.
How am I? Would "I don't know" be an acceptable answer without leading to more inquisitive questioning? How am I compared to what exactly? My "normal" seems to constantly be fluctuating. Most days, I'm not sure if my body is telling me the truth or if I am perhaps misinterpreting it all together. I don't trust my body. How can I? The bloody thing attacks itself. Hell, I was so used to constant pain in my stomach for a while that when I burned my hand pulling something out the oven a few weeks ago it didn't even hurt. It felt like a light pinch that went away quickly, but the blistering skin on my palm told another story. Burning your hand should hurt, right? I just figured the pain the burn caused must have been minimal compared to the other pain I had been experiencing, so my body didn't have a big reaction to it.
How am I? In this very moment, I'm convinced that I'm doing better. What exactly am I doing better than? I think I'm doing better than I was doing over the past three months or so because I have more energy, my bowels have been somewhat okay (there's always room for improvement, but isn't that case with most things in life?), I haven't felt pain in about two weeks, and I actually want to hang out with people. I even went for a run this week and it was beyond amazing. Sure, I'm totally out of shape and I was breathing heavy, but I didn't struggle to breath like I did during my last attempts that made me swear off running for a while. Last month I was certain Cimzia stopped working, but now I'm unsure what to think. I'm supposed to be getting lab work done in February that will tell me how I really am.
How am I? I'm pretty sure I'm still anemic because I stopped taking iron pills. I can't wait for my dr. to lecture me about that. I just couldn't handle being constipated all the time. I'm pretty sure my stricture is still super tight even though I'm hopeful my appointment with my colorectal on February 12th goes better than the last time I saw her. It's to the point where I'm actually wishing the scope for the sigmoidoscopy will fit past my stricture so that we can take a look at the disease on the screen. In order for that to happen, my doctor has to be able to get her finger up my ass, which was an agonizing problem last time even with lube. Yeah, so that's my birthday wish... being able to get fingered in the ass. Maybe I need to find a special someone that would finger my ass regularly between visits with my doctor to keep my stricture loose. Doesn't that sound like a good blurb to put on a dating website? I would do it myself, but giving myself enemas is nearly impossible as it is. It's traumatizing and I'd much rather someone else torture me than me having to do the horrific thing myself. I've always said if someone likes it in the ass, that's a sure fire way to tell they don't have Crohn's disease.
Oh, by the way, my sisters say that I must be feeling better because my humor is coming back.
