Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I am not the least bit sad to see you go. You were a lot like a fly-over state. You offered some cool views, but really it was mostly boring while waiting for you to pass by. Perhaps it's because I was too busy adult-ing.  The highlights you left me are as follows:

1. I mustered up the guts to quit working for my dad to sell cars. When I look back at selling cars, I think that it's proof that I really can do anything I set my mind to. It was a great experience. I just disliked the hours and the way they worked me to the bone. All the while I was still going to school.
2.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude from UCF with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration as a finance major!!! It's still hard for me to believe that I did it! This accomplishment is HUGE in my book of life. It may sound dumb, but there are days when I miss going to school.
3. I had the courage to quit selling cars without any job prospects. Thankfully, my dad's company was busy enough to hire me until I found my current job as Payroll Assistant. I consider this job my first "real" job out of college. I'm learning so much. I'm blessed to work for such an amazing company with a super awesome workforce.
4. I took myself off of my parents' health insurance plan and got my own insurance through work. This was and still is a big deal to me because health insurance is my lifeline.
5. I started a 401K through work. I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say this excites me because I think it really is a step in the right direction to prepare for my future. 
6. I had my first MRI and it sucked, but it didn't suck as bad as a colonoscopy would have. I heard those words I hate hearing from my doctor: Crohn's is active. In response, I started doing Cimzia injections every three weeks instead of every four weeks to help determine if it's still working. I know what I think.
7. I started going to counseling for the first time in my life. I didn't realize the layers of mental complexity Crohn's is affecting/creating. My feelings are valid. Even though I could be saving the money I'm spending on counseling, I think investing in my mental state is a wise decision.
8. [Edit: I added this one because it somehow slipped my mind yesterday. I financed my dream car and I'm still in love. The Mustang totally exceeded my expectations!]

I spent most of 2015 working and reaching goals I set for myself many years ago. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It feels like I'm sleep walking though life at the moment though.

IBD Stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease

IBD Awareness week ends tonight and here's my lousy attempt at telling you a few things that I wish more folks understood about me and Crohn's disease.

Tasks that seem easy to you may take all my energy to complete and/or leave me sore for days. I try hard to maintain normalcy, but sometimes I can't keep up. Examples: Showering, doing my hair, doing my makeup, looking alive/normal, doing laundry, cooking, washing dishes, and walking up stairs.

It's more than a physical disease. It fucks me up mentally, too. Don't be mad when I don't remember things, when I have a poor/dark/negative outlook, or when I have low self esteem.  If I could flip a switch to change it, I would. I wouldn't choose to be this way. 

Unless if I ask for it, I do not want your advice. If you give me unsolicited advice, please don't keep drowning me with your opinions. You're not helping. Say your peace and move on. I heard you the first time.


Breaking news: I have been considering finding a counselor. I promise, I'm not just doing this to find another couch to nap on. I've just been getting other people's opinions at this point before I start looking for one and figuring out if this is something I want to do. I don't think I'm coping as well as I used to with Crohn's. I've become too emotional and I feel weighted down by the burden of this disease. I have lost my ambition.  I would love to learn to better cope with it. I feel no shame in considering seeking professional help.  I have some supporters. I also have some that feel that me seeing a counselor indicates that our relationship is failing and I could use relationships in place of therapy by talking more openly about what's on my mind. That whole opening up thing...yeah, I'm not very good at that because of the fear of judgment and more opinions that I probably don't want to hear. So, what are your thoughts on this topic? Yay or nay? Positives and negatives? Should I keep considering it?

Busy Week Ahead

After I stopped taking my iron supplements last week, I started taking multiple double doses of Senokot laxative tablets. It seemed like it took forever for it to work... it took at least 5 days. I finally had a bowel movement on Friday. I've had a few more since then, but I want more! I was constipated for almost a week and half, but because my belly was so empty prior to becoming constipated it didn't get too sore, thankfully. Once I feel like my bowels have become regular I'll start taking the iron again. Whatever regular means these days...

This week is going to be a super busy week. I'll likely be working overtime on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because its accounting's close week for the month of November and because we have two payroll runs this week. My supervisor and I will be busting our butts in payroll during normal hours and staying late to help accounting for close. On Friday, I'm scheduled for a vacation day. On my day off, I'm going to go to Universal and IOA with Kelly. I'm just hoping that I feel well enough when the time comes and that I'll have the energy to last all day. I know I can push through a half marathon, but my will power is not the same when it comes to theme parks.