Fart in a Bottle

Kim has been in town for the past week and she leaves to go home tomorrow. I wish we had more time to spend together. At dinner tonight with my family, I reminisced about the meltdown I had the last time she was in town and how far I have come since then. During Kim's last visit, I was just about a month into recovery from my first surgery. When she hugged me before she left to go to the airport, I lost it. I sobbed about how overwhelmed I felt with the stoma and ostomy. I cried because recovery was hard and it sucked. Tears also found my face-cheeks because I knew I was going to miss her. I was a mess. I felt defeated even though surgery went better than expected.

My family was shocked to learn that I had been overwhelmed and emotional about the surgery and ostomy. Is that a testament to my ability to keep things bottled up?  They couldn't have known I struggled coping with my new reality if I didn't tell them. For having uncontrollable bowels at times, I sure know how to keep shit to myself. My instincts were to avoid feelings, bury them, and hope they went away. For the most part, it worked. My emotional maturity is questionable. I don't know what it was about that moment with Kim that cracked the bottle with the things. Once she left, I collected myself and put the things back in the proverbial bottle.

I hugged Kim goodbye tonight and I didn't have a meltdown. There weren't any feelings I was suppressing either. I am a lot stronger emotionally and physically than I was a few months ago. I can't wait to see her in August!!!

I think if I trapped a fart in a bottle and I left it in there long enough, eventually it would not stink when I opened the bottle. I also think if I bottle up feelings long enough, eventually they will lose their potency when/if the bottle gets cracked. I could probably afford to get better at expressing myself. But then again, I think my "fart in a bottle" analogy is pretty fucking expressive. It could also be absolute bullshit.

Sub-Two or Bust

I signed up for the summer/fall season of MarathonFest!

When I joined MarathonFest in the summer/fall of 2016 to train for the NYC Marathon, I was rushed to get to 10 miles after my minor surgery in April of 2016. Desperately trying to feel better, I switched from Cimzia to Remicade during that time as well. I basically had two months to go from being out of shape to being able to run 10 miles in order to keep up with the the NYC training schedule once the season started in 2016.

I want to do it differently this time around. I don't want to be rushed. I plan on sticking with half marathons this season and at the moment I'm only registered for one. Rather than starting when the season starts in June, I currently plan to build most of my running base outside of MarathonFest for the next few months. I want to get faster so that I will be able to join a faster pace group.  I'm aiming to start running with them regularly in September when my mileage increases for half marathon training. My goal for the OUC Half Marathon in December is to finish in under two hours. That means I would need to average a 9:09 pace for 13.1 miles. I can only run one mile at that pace. In fact, my first mile today was a 9:04. (my second mile was a 9:47). I have a little over six months to train hard and build the endurance it will take to maintain the pace during my first mile today for twelve more miles. This seems realistic, right?

When I achieve a sub-two hour half marathon, I will seriously consider committing to train to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I hate commitment, but this kind of excites me!

Hello from the Other Side

I fell a little behind (haha "behind") on blogging. I had my post-op follow-up appointment at the Cleveland Clinic on April 9, 2018. They lifted all of my physical and dietary restrictions and I do not have to go back unless I have major issues! The wound where Scarlett used to be has completely scared over. I finished all three of my Remicade loading doses and I am officially on the eight week schedule. According to my gastro, we no longer have to monitor the stricture I had closest to my rectum because it's not there anymore! That means fewer rectal exams!!! For the most part, I am doing well. Shitty days are to be expected and thankfully they have been few and far between.