I have a confession: I may have been a coward today. Even though I have been expecting a call for 27 days from my colorectal specialist to schedule my bowel resection surgery , I did not have the courage to answer my phone when the scheduling lady called me. When I looked at the caller ID, my heart sank and my hands started to shake. I couldn't answer it.
Sure, I'm still waiting on a prior authorization from my insurance to get a second surgical opinion with the guy my new gastro referred me to. That sounds like a good plan to waste more time. Plus, I'm still waiting on the results from the drug level and antibody test. I can't schedule surgery without knowing how much time I have to let Remicade evacuate my body so that no medicine is in my system at the time of surgery. I mean, I know my target surgery dates are far enough out for it not to matter yet, but they don't know that.
A part of me wants to call my colorectal office back to schedule the surgery and get it over with. BOOM. DONE. It would be a lot easier than having to wait around for the prior authorization that might never come or driving down to the Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion and possibly even surgery. It would simplify things by not giving me any more options to weigh. If I scheduled surgery with my current colorectal and did not get a second surgical opinion, I wouldn't have to contemplate my options any longer. I think a lot of people would judge me for not getting a second surgical opinion. I also might regret not getting a second surgical opinion, and that's why I'm still moving forward to get one. When I schedule surgery for bowel resection, I want to be as confident as I can be about it.
I haven't cried about needing a bowel resection since the first 48 hours I got the news. As hard as I took the news I have somehow accepted it. Don't let my brave face fool you, it still scares the shit out of me! But, there's no way I believe I'm a coward.
