SimonMed called me this morning to reschedule my barium enema appointment because their imaging machine was not working. Thankfully, they called before I started taking laxatives for the prep. They wanted to reschedule for the end of this week, but with work, the charity event, and Taylor coming into town, I rescheduled it for Monday, July 31st instead.
A huge sense of relief came over me after I rescheduled my appointment. I could breathe a little deeper...until anxiety hit me again. My nerves are on edge. I have that weighted feeling in my chest and gut that won't go away. I think it's fear. I'm afraid my self diagnosis is correct. I'm terrified the solution is going to require surgery. I'm worried surgery/recovery is going to interfere with my running schedule. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have to say goodbye to the good(ish) days far sooner than I had hoped. I am mentally preparing for the worst and it's freaking me out.
I've started rationalizing the idea that I could postpone surgery, if surgery is required, until January after all of my races. This would also give more time to reach my out of pocket max and I get five more sick PTO days at work at the beginning of the year. So far, my doctors don't seem to be in any hurry to figure this shit out. If they can take their sweet time in figuring out what's going on, it must not be that serious. By the time I get "answers", it's going to be mid August. I know it's naïve to think I am actually going to get answers. With chronic illness, most of the time I think the doctors are guessing just as much as I am.
